Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Advice on getting along with school mums

32 replies

anon116 · 25/06/2023 17:32

I have childhood PTSD so not always able to process or understand social norms. Please bear with me. I really want to get along with these school mums but don’t know how to!

I’ve really tried to become friends with some of the school mums. I have a superficial hi and pleasantary exchange with a lot. There’s one I thought we were getting close: she’s invited me to her house etc. recently she seems really off and I haven’t gone anything as far as I know. I’ve very low maintaince and quite a people pleaser so definitely nothing I think I’ve done.

how can I establish positive relationships with these women I will continue to see every weekday for the next several years?

OP posts:
Original poster
anon116 · 25/06/2023 18:48

Anyone?

OP posts:
TheSnowyOwl · 25/06/2023 18:50

Just keep smiling, saying hello and have a superficial conversation unless you actually want to establish friendships.

nutbrownhare15 · 25/06/2023 18:51

Ask them questions about themselves and their kids. Smile and make eye contact.and say hello. Not everyone will be interested so it's important to accept that and keep trying.

SleeplessinScarbourough · 25/06/2023 18:54

Maybe try approaching the parents that your DC are friends with and see if they want to have a coffee somewhere while your DC play
Look for opportunity to volunteer with other parents at school events
See if there’s a class WhatsApp group (or start one?)

Original poster
anon116 · 25/06/2023 18:54

How should I behave with the one who I was closest to but now feel she tries to avoid me?

OP posts:
FarTooHotForMe · 25/06/2023 18:56

Forget about her, carry on smiling at all the others and passing the time of day with them. Then think of it like dating, out of 30 parents there may be one you click with or maybe there won’t be.

cocog · 25/06/2023 18:58

Is she waiting for an invite to your home for coffee and cake/play date and you haven’t suggested it!

Ribena20 · 25/06/2023 19:00

Maybe you didn't follow up on her invite in the way she expected and feels snubbed?

Original poster
anon116 · 25/06/2023 19:02

@cocog i invited her but she didn’t respond. She replied a week later (the day which I suggested she come down) but by that time we had other plans made. I apologised and suggested a different date and she is still to respond! The date has passed which I suggested 2nd time around, she came to my sons party yesterday and was being really odd like didn’t make eye-contact and sat with other parents. I sat with them but she made no effort to chat to me.

OP posts:
DemonicCaveMaggot · 25/06/2023 19:04

Did you invite the other mother back to your house or out for a coffee? She might be worried that you don't like her.

Don't push too hard to be close friends with the other parents. If your DC and theirs get into a row or one starts picking on the other it can get very nasty if the parents' friendships are tangled up in the whole mess too.

I found volunteering at PTA events or volunteering to chaperone field trips was a good way to meet other parents.

Original poster
anon116 · 25/06/2023 19:05

@DemonicCaveMaggot yes I did. See previous post to this one .

OP posts:
Innocents4321 · 25/06/2023 19:16

You’ve had some great answers, be friendly, talk to everyone. You will see others standing alone- go talk to them. There will be common ground, homework, the next “day” outside clubs, child development, laughing at the silly things that happen. You could also try to make friends with other mums outside school.

My rules were- don’t bitch about anyone or join in bitchy chat; be cheerful, calm and practical. Don’t dump emotional baggage on acquaintances- unless they mention for example having no sleep and struggling.

Realise they might only ever be school gate buddies but that’s OK.

In most schools these days there will be working/sahm/rich/poor/social/antisocial/emos/faahionistas etc and the ONLY thing you have in common is kids the same age. So, don’t take it personally if not everyone likes you. You will find some friends by the end of the year. The struggles adults have at the school gate's really mirrors the struggles some kids also have.

HorribleNecktie · 25/06/2023 19:32

I think I I’d just ask her if I’d done anything to offend her.

OneFlipflopleft · 25/06/2023 21:43

HorribleNecktie · 25/06/2023 19:32

I think I I’d just ask her if I’d done anything to offend her.

Yes this! It happened to me. All love and happy and new friends. But no reply to my whatsapps, or other contact, I ended up feeling I got the cold shoulder. So I did, I asked her! Brrr. These are things I find very intimidating, I am a people pleaser too. But she answered no it is not me, it is her, she is horrible in replying to texts, and has a lot going on, and therapy, mental problems.
Didn't change anything, but at least I was able to let it go.
I would ask lightheartedly though, like 'o I send you a text, but got no reply. Hope I did not stand on your toes somehow, I tend to do that, I'm told, haha. And face to face, before entering school grounds. So there is no evidence of what you said and how you said it. In case your person is not as nice as my person was, and perhaps shows it to people or so.

Original poster
anon116 · 25/06/2023 21:45

@OneFlipflopleft i did ask her but response was very fake like she’s got a million things going on etc. but you know you can sense when something is off.

OP posts:
OneFlipflopleft · 25/06/2023 21:57

anon116 · 25/06/2023 21:45

@OneFlipflopleft i did ask her but response was very fake like she’s got a million things going on etc. but you know you can sense when something is off.

That's crap. Good for you that you dared asking. But her reply only made it worse. I think if you are sure nothing has happened, you can rely on your gut feeling and let it go anyway. She is probably one of those people that likes fishing, but loves the control she has when one does bite. Takes me back to teenage school days 😥

TaxDirector · 25/06/2023 22:12

What are your interests or hobbies? You stand a better chance at a real friendship if you share something in common & have something to chat about beyond school gate gossip

fairywhale · 25/06/2023 22:13

That one isn't interested. Probably will never find out why.

IShallAllowIt · 25/06/2023 22:15

anon116 · 25/06/2023 18:54

How should I behave with the one who I was closest to but now feel she tries to avoid me?

Just carry on with the hello's etc. I had a mum suddenly become off with me, we ended up walking in together most mornings, no idea what happened unless our kids fell out and I didn't know about it but they were only 4/5. I tend to just speak to all the mums and feel this works best.

exhaustedlongtime · 25/06/2023 23:44

Tbh it's probably best if you don't.

Most people use each other for favours.

I learnt my lesson this year!

AtrociousCircumstance · 25/06/2023 23:50

Try not to judge yourself via the whole situation. You may not click with anyone and that’s ok - just stay friendly and bright. If you feel outside of it all, and excluded, know that you won’t be the only one feeling peripheral and uncertain!

It’s luck too. A random selection of people. Just remember not to stress too much about it or beat yourself up. See what happens, be friendly, be on your own side. You don’t need the endorsement of this random set of people. As long as you stay positive and civil and support your DC’s friendships, then it’s all good.

With that specific mum, you can’t do anything else really, if you’ve asked if all is ok, and issued another invitation - again just be breezy with her when you see her.

junebirthdaygirl · 26/06/2023 00:20

I got on best when l decided not to bother any more. I think people back off if they get a hint of someone trying to hard. I was like that with my first but somehow decided l coulded be bothered putting in any effort and suddenly lots of people were talking to me. So not caring is the key , from my experience

FinallyHere · 26/06/2023 08:24

invited her but she didn’t respond. She replied a week later (the day which I suggested she come down) but by that time we had other plans made.

So from her point of view, you invited her and then changed your plans.

It is annoying when people forget to response but it was probably just a mistake on her part. I can see why she might be off with you because you invited her and then didn't stick to the arrangement.

You say that she is off with you now. Could you try a simple I'm so sorry our arrangement didn't work out, how do you feel about trying again. This time check in with her that she is ok and don't change your plans.

An initial hitch needed be the end of the friendship if you take responsibility and try again, those can develop into some of the best friendships.

MRex · 26/06/2023 08:37

I wouldn't have made other plans without confirming to someone first. It sounds like she's taken it as you being petty and deliberately being busy. She can't moan because she knows she didn't reply, but you've lost the ease. What would have been better would be a quick "Hi, I didn't hear back about Tuesday yet and we've been invited to X, can you confirm if you guys are coming over please? If not, how about 4th?" Anyway, it's done now. Did you offer her a range of alternative dates yet? The quickest way of getting past this is setting up another time.

Generally I'd say find a few people and keep a rolling set of play dates going. You don't know who you'll get on best with until you try.

Nowvoyager99 · 26/06/2023 08:44

Honestly I wouldn’t be looking to make actual friends from school gate acquaintances.

Just a friendly hello and chat about the weather, wasn’t your Chloe great in the school play, I hear you have new kittens. That’s all that’s required/normal.

If you’re looking to make new friendships then I would do that away from the playground.