For not catering..

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A couple of weeks ago we planned a bbq with some friends, bbq was last night.
Yesterday morning, I saw one of the couples and the friend tells me she is no longer eating dairy produce. This is ontop of being vegetarian and not eating gluten.
The gluten is due to intolerance, not coeliac.
Vegetarian as she doesn't like meat.
Now no dairy as she thinks it's making her hayfever worse.
Previously I have accommodated the diet requirements.

This time I asked her to bring something suitable for her to eat that
I was doing sides of salad and jacket potatoes to go with bbq food and could she bring something for herself to go with it.
Could I have found a 'main' element? Yes. But tbh it's more work, I'd already done the shop and didn't want to have to go out again.
She said it was rude of me to ask her to bring something separate. I said she was welcome to the salad and potatoes.
Bbq starts, the husband turns up solo. She had decided to not come.
I got a stroppy text of her which I ignored. Another friend put a pic on fb which she commented 'wish I could have come'

So...wibu?

YANBU. I'm a common-or-garden vegetarian and I always offer to bring something myself unless I know the host or a member of their family is vegetarian and they'll be catering for that anyway.

I do prefer a bit of the BBQ that hasn't had meat on it yet though, I don't want little bits of beefburger stuck to my beanburger.

I have dietary requirements, (lactose mainly and some diary) I just tell them to cook whatever they want and I will either find something to eat, or bring my own

i have friends who have coeliac disease and yes I cater for them, and yes I normally eat cauldron vegetarian sausages anyway, but that’s all I would cater for for veggies

I had the opposite issue once.

I invited a friend and her newish DH for dinner, knew they were vegetarian and had eaten veggie meals at theirs.

So I cooked all veggie food, only to be told as they sat down to dinner that her DH didn’t eat onion, garlic and few other veggies.

Technically my fault for not asking beforehand, but we’d been friends since school, I wish I’d been warned.

YANBU There were lots of things she could've eaten, but she chose to act like a stroppy teenager and then had the cheek to call YOU rude

obviously YANBU to have not rustled up something extra at no notice. I always offer to bring my own, and I actually prefer it when people say yes please. It's just basic guesting to offer when you have dietary restrictions.

YABU to sneer at the whole intolerance thing. For some people intolerance means 3 days of awful diarrhoea or vomiting.

So not so much a vegetarian as an 'I fill up on unhealthy carbs'

YANBU

She can still have jacket potato and salad. Yes, rather short on protein, but at didn't give you enough notice to expect you to have protein that is vegetarian, gluten free AND dairy free. That would require thought and preparation. Whereas she presumably knows what protein she can have and will have it in the house.

I have allergies and I'm a pain to cater for. Always happy to bring something or just eat my main meal at another time of day.

YABU to sneer at the whole intolerance thing. For some people intolerance means 3 days of awful diarrhoea or vomiting.

If that was the case you think the friend might have made informing the OP a priority. If I had food intolerance which made me that unwell I would be sure to let anyone catering for me know and in fact I would probably insist on taking my own food to be on the safe side.

Where has OP sneered at intolerances?

I’m intolerant to gluten and dairy too but as far as I can see OP has been plenty accommodating, but refuses to be a mug.

I have intolerances I'd happily bring my own rather than be ill.

I’m not sure how you worded the initial reply to her but I would have done something like

Hey X! Sorry to hear your not eating dairy on top of your other dietary requirements. I’ve already done the shop for the bbq now, here is what i’ll be serving - a,b,c,d,e, and so on. If non of these options are suitable please feel free to bring along what you’d like to eat, I’m sure you’ll appreciate I’ve no time now to go to the shop again, looking forward to seeing you’

if anyone has anything shitty to say back to that then it’s alllll on them. The fact her doing came anyway makes me think she really is the issue here.

Seems a bit redundant…

I have an intolerance which I am embarrassed to tell people about as I don't have a proper diagnosis of allergy or similar.

I wouldn't have behaved like this in a million years. Depending on the situation eg how many people present and how well I knew the host I would have done one of:
-turn up and just eat whatever suitable bits happened to be there

• tell host well in advance

-bring my own bits/offer to bring something to share that works for me.

If I was a gluten free dairy free vegetarian I would assume I would need to take my own - that is a difficult combination to cater for as many vegan/vegetarian alternatives use wheat gluten as a protein source.

Sure but I think wording is important, if OP messaged back with an explanation as above the guest would be been unreasonable but if op has messaged back ‘we’ll i’ve got everything now so you’ll have to sort yourself out’ I would think guest would have reason to be a bit huffy, despite the meanings of the message being the same.

sounds a real drama queen i have various requirements but I am happy to take things along which I find other folk often enjoy too! I must admit tho jackets and salad I would be more than happy with

I don’t think op sneered just didn’t want to accommodate a last minute request. It’s annoying when people decide they are intolerant to something and don’t give advance notice like you are supposed to be psychic. I’m happy to cater for gluten free/ vegan friends. Less so for the faddy I’m only eating raw/ paleo/ olives/ whatever current fad is.

My last bbq someone told me on the day they were a pescatarian and they weren’t keen on veggie or vegan options. I ended up chucking a packet of prawns in the air fryer. She’d gone back to meat eating the next week.

DD and I have a tree nut allergy-hers is much worse and she has epi pens.

I am happy to just avoid dishes that have nuts and can usually find something but would much much rather bring something safe and not be an inconvenience to the hostess-especially the day of.

Of course she could have come-she just needed to bring something that met her specific needs.
I think very cheeky to announce on the morning of the bbq and then make passive aggressive facebook posts!

She was unreasonable to only let you know the morning of the bbq. Either she just made the decision so another day wouldn’t matter or else she knew in advance and could have told you sooner. Regardless, when you have a specific diet you become accustomed to having to work around it when eating out or bringing your own food.

My DH has a dairy and gluten intolerance..he always brings stuff with him . Especially rolls which are extortionately priced .
My neighbours are veggie and they bring stuff off their own back even though I insist they don't have to . She sounds like she's being hard work on purpose.

As someone who has a fussy family, I offer to bring suitable things. I'm there to socialise, not make someone's life harder!
The only thing I'm a bit funny about is that I prefer my veggie food not cooked on a BBQ but it's because it's either meat flavoured (hard to separate) or just crumbles into the coals so useless anyway.

I think it was unreasonable of her to expect you to be able to cater for a new dietary requirement if she only told you on the day! She could have picked up something plant based on the way or been fine with salad and potatoes.

She has what you provide or not. You said she was welcome to bring something and that’s fine too. The point is to see and chat with everyone surely not just the food.

An intolerance is still important to avoid and should be taken seriously.

she shouldn’t be telling you last minute though.

realistically, she should be willing to bring food. However, it is very disheartening to feel so unwelcome again and again when you have medical food restrictions. I have esoteric allergies and people just can’t be bothered. They will bend over backwards for philosophical diets, but can’t even begin to think about providing dishes that won’t have people reaching for epi-pens. It does make you decide to just decline some invites because you know people don’t really care about you joining in.

She's being precious and entitled. Feck her.

As an aside, I just wanted to point out that gluten intolerance can be bad. Like, rolling around in agony bad. If I accidentally have a few crumbs via eg shared butter it causes me literal days of pain, diarrhoea and sometimes a rash and migraine.

That said, I would never expect anyone to accommodate my needs and always take my own food to events (not least because I don't trust people not to accidentally cross contaminate with the crumbs!).

In this instance I would definitely message her and tell her she's being incredibly unreasonable to expect others to accommodate her needs at very short notice. She's being a div AND speaking to others as if you're in the wrong!

Cheeky sod.

Me too but I guess he probably wanted a decent meal for a change!!

She is completely unreasonable. It's not a medical diagnosis like a peanut allergy or coeliac disease and it was also very short notice.