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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Annoyed at my dad and BIL for going out with ex

31 replies

Str3bor · 25/06/2023 13:36

So bit of background, I have been split from my ex for 3 years together for 19 years before that and have 2 kids together. We are both with other people now but it is not very amicable and my ex is quite bitter.

my parents still see my ex mainly due to the kids, he will sometimes pick them up from there etc as my son will go out with his mates and call into my parents. My dad also still does jobs for my ex to help him out. All of it annoys me but I can live with it.

My issue is that my ex recently asked my dad to go out for a drink with him to say thanks for helping him, my BIL was also asked, my dad agreed and told me but asked me not to tell my partner. I told my dad I think it’s completely inappropriate, we have been separated for 3 years now, never went for a drink with him in the 19 years we were together but now they are going out, I feel like it’s a betrayal and I don’t understand why they all feel the need to suddenly start socialising. I also feel sly on my partner and I know if he knew if would bother him and it would affect how he felt about them which I don’t want.

AIBU to be annoyed?

Why can’t my ex just buy my dad some beers as a thanks like most people would do especially and he’s never been out with him ever before.

OP posts:
Doyoumind · 25/06/2023 13:42

I'm sure some people will tell you YABU but I think if they know you aren't comfortable with it, they shouldn't have done it.

mycatsanutter · 25/06/2023 13:54

Why would it bother your partner though ?

Dreamer8 · 25/06/2023 14:02

It wouldnt bother me. I'd be happy that everyone is still managing to have a good relationship/co-parenting/grandparenting. I'd much rather this scenario then everyone not getting along.

Kitkatfiend31 · 25/06/2023 14:05

It is difficult for you I know but not your choice. They can do what they like. Remaining amicable if there are kids involved is a good thing for the kids to see. And it is nothing to do with your partner.

I8toys · 25/06/2023 14:06

Is the ex doing it because it annoys you and would cause problems?

dudsville · 25/06/2023 14:09

As you have children together your ex will always be family. My ex and I do not have children together and he and my father remained friendly until I told my father that when I told ex it was over he threatened suicide, twice. We lost a family member to suicide so that finally ended that contact.

Onelifeonly · 25/06/2023 14:10

I understand it is annoying for you but they are entitled to do this - it won't affect you directly and doesn't harm you. I am concerned why your partner shouldn't know about it though? What has it got to do with them? Are they controlling?

7Worfs · 25/06/2023 14:10

That depends on the reason you split up - if ex cheated or was abusive, it is a betrayal. If it was just the relationship dying out gradually and there was no drama, it’s fine to remain friendly.

BiscuitsandPuffin · 25/06/2023 14:12

You say your ex is quite bitter (of what? Did you cheat?) but it actually sounds like he's trying to get over it and do better by improving his relationship with your family, and you're resentful of this. I also don't get why your partner would care what three randomers he barely knows did on a day off or why you and your family feel you can't tell him something so trivial.

ProfessorXtra · 25/06/2023 14:16

I get why you feel you do. I felt like you did when I split with exh and my parents maintained an amicable relationship with him.

But honestly, in the long run it’s made things slightly easier.

In law relationships (wether actually married or a ltr) is tricky. You bring someone into your families lives and expect them to treat them as family. Then when the relationship is over you want everyone to forget the relationship they built with them. But for the kids, it’s actually better if everyone gets along well.

Createausername1970 · 25/06/2023 14:22

It would irritate me but he is your kids, dad and eventually your kids will grow up and decide on their own family dynamics, so I would have thought it is better for everyone to be amicable and able to socialise when the need arises. But I would still be irked.

Dont know what the issue is with your current partner though?

Screwballs · 25/06/2023 14:25

I think it's hard to expect your family to welcome someone into their lives for nearly twenty years then expect them to turn their backs. It's one drink, he's not coming round on the weekly for Sunday dinner. Let it go, it really doesn't matter.

GoodChat · 25/06/2023 14:29

I don't see the difference between your dad doing jobs for him and going for a drink with him.

MollysBrolly · 25/06/2023 15:00

Why should you be able to tell anyone who they can see?
It's your ex, he's friendly with your dad/bil why can't they continue their friendships.

saltrocking · 25/06/2023 15:10

I wouldn't like it either op.

In fact my ex abused me, my brother still wanted to be friends/ go out. It hurt me deeply.

If you're not comfortable with it then I don't think they should do it.

RedHelenB · 25/06/2023 15:19

The c9ncernung but is you're bothered about what you're current partner will think. That would be low down on miat peoples list of priorities. Yabu.

Original poster
Str3bor · 26/06/2023 14:12

Thanks for your responses, I suppose it is good they maintain a good relationship and appreciate the views about this.

I just find it odd they have never been out in all the time we were together and I felt awkward with my dad asking me not to tell my new partner, can only presume this is to save his feelings!?

my ex is really awkward, he is uncooperative, refuses to have his kids any extra than his 2 nights a week or swap days which I suppose is within his rights but things could be so much better, he won’t communicate with me about the kids and generally makes life more difficult than it needs to be! I suppose that’s what I find difficult that he can be like this and my parents both find it bizarre but still continue to have a relationship with him even though they disagree with what he does. I’m trying to set boundaries but my parents just overrule it and it’s very frustrating. I suppose I feel like they haven’t got my back as the whole thing gets to me sometimes.

OP posts:
Daisiesandprimroses · 26/06/2023 14:17

dont make it a bigger deal than it is. He is having a drink with them to say thanks, it doesn’t make them besties. They have ti have an amicable relationship for the kids, it’s fine, no biggie. He is still the kids father, he isn’t some pariah to be avoided. It’s not some big secret to tell your partner, it’s not you going for a drink, they helped him, he offered to buy them a pint to say thanks, it’s no big deal/

saraclara · 26/06/2023 14:23

Your dad and brother could potentially be a positive influence on him. It, as you say, your ex is inflexible and awkward with you about kid stuff, your dad and brother could maybe work on him if their relationship is good.

OhBling · 26/06/2023 14:26

Mmm, usually, I'd say that it's good if your parents are making an effort to maintain a good relationship with your ex, for the sake of the DC.

But the bit that has alarm bells ringing for me is that in the 19 years you were together he never went for a drink with your Dad. And to make it worse, your Dad clearly knows its weird because now he's asking you not to tell your new DP, who I assume also doesn't go out for drinks with your dad?

In which case, YANBU to think this is inappropriate. Why did you break up? Is your ex one of those men who has got a lovely little narrative set up in which you "left him and he doesn't know why and he loved you and tried to make you happy" when you know perfectly well you left him because he was a controlling wanker, or cheated or was abusive or whatever?

TiredButDancing · 26/06/2023 14:28

saraclara · 26/06/2023 14:23

Your dad and brother could potentially be a positive influence on him. It, as you say, your ex is inflexible and awkward with you about kid stuff, your dad and brother could maybe work on him if their relationship is good.

OR... the ex is using OP's dad and BIL to further manipulate and control the OP by ensuring that he gets to drop all kinds of little poisonous comments in their brains without them even realising it.

Finding ways to separate people from their loved ones, either physically or emotionally, is a pretty classic tactic from abusers.

Sigmama · 26/06/2023 14:43

Why is your dad even doing jobs for him

MortifiedSeptember · 26/06/2023 14:44

Them being good with each other is what is best for your dc. Ask your father not to tell you information he would want to be kept as a secret from your new partner. I would hope your father / bil are trying to be a good role model for your ex.

In the meanwhile, my ex and dm are becoming closer. Dm says she is doing it for the dc. "What would happen if you die suddenly? I would never be allowed to see my grandchildren without his approval. So I need to be on his good side." They have always had a good relationship, which makes me doubt her. Not to mention her timings.

littleripper · 26/06/2023 14:49

People have very different views on this but I am with you. In fact I have distanced myself from my eldest DB when he chose to maintain a relationship on social media with my youngest DBs ex. It's about loyalty to me.

FuckOffTom · 26/06/2023 14:51

For me, this depends on what type of person your ex is. If you suspect he is doing it to control/manipulate/gain info about you then YANBU.
My ex is like this, has tried to remain in contact with my family for solely this reason. We have had mutual friends fall out with him because they were certain he was only trying to hang out with them to get info on me. (This has totally come from them, I’ve always been careful not to discuss him with mutual friends as I didn’t want to make them feel uncomfortable)