Annoyed at my dad and BIL for going out with ex

[Str3bor]

So bit of background, I have been split from my ex for 3 years together for 19 years before that and have 2 kids together. We are both with other people now but it is not very amicable and my ex is quite bitter.

my parents still see my ex mainly due to the kids, he will sometimes pick them up from there etc as my son will go out with his mates and call into my parents. My dad also still does jobs for my ex to help him out. All of it annoys me but I can live with it.

My issue is that my ex recently asked my dad to go out for a drink with him to say thanks for helping him, my BIL was also asked, my dad agreed and told me but asked me not to tell my partner. I told my dad I think it’s completely inappropriate, we have been separated for 3 years now, never went for a drink with him in the 19 years we were together but now they are going out, I feel like it’s a betrayal and I don’t understand why they all feel the need to suddenly start socialising. I also feel sly on my partner and I know if he knew if would bother him and it would affect how he felt about them which I don’t want.

AIBU to be annoyed?

Why can’t my ex just buy my dad some beers as a thanks like most people would do especially and he’s never been out with him ever before.

i’m not sure he cheated but he suffered from mental health problems over a long period of time, I supported him but he continued to push me away and blame me until it became unbearable, apparently I was the trigger, he hated me going out or doing anything, wanted to check my phone all the time even though I hadn’t done anything. I found out he had secretly been meeting another woman who he worked with to discuss his issues and marriage problems, he also used to do majority of school runs and I’d see him texting all the other mums which I found bizarre. But I am the bad guy because I ended it and he didn’t want it to end and I believe my parents may have that view aswell.

a few of my friends who have seen him have said he has talked about me to them and I don’t want him knowing anymore than he needs to so suppose I feel like he is using this as a way to get information.

Yes, FIL was a bit bemused when exBIL wanted to go out for a meal with him last time FIL was in town. They certainly never went out for meal together, ever, in the 15 years he was with SIL so why on earth would they now?

Of course, it was also in the period of the break up where BIL was still so so angry that SIL had finally ditched his lazy controlling ass and he was dropping all kinds of vague (and not so vague) threats and innuendos to anyone who would listen, mostly about SIL but also about the rest of us etc. It was pretty obvious he was going to try talk to FIL about his "concerns" about SIL.....

TWAT.

You've got to tell your partner, or it will blow up and be bigger than it has to be. Your ex has treated you badly, yet your Dad can socialise with him, that is a betrayal. It goes beyond sharing a relative. He could just have been busy for the foreseeable. This is a game play, I'd watch for what's coming next, don't let it be the damaging of your relationship because you are keeping secrets from your partner.

Although BIL could be going to be a witness to what is and isn't said.

i’m not sure he cheated but he suffered from mental health problems over a long period of time, I supported him but he continued to push me away and blame me until it became unbearable

Mmm, mental health problems is often just code for, "and excuse to treat someone badly" and where the MH is genuinely a problem, it's still not a justification for poor behaviour.

apparently I was the trigger, he hated me going out or doing anything, wanted to check my phone all the time even though I hadn’t done anything.
Classic controlling, gaslighting behaviour. Make it seem like it's YOUR responsibility to make HIM feel better. Bollocks to that. Also, often used as an excuse to....

I found out he had secretly been meeting another woman who he worked with to discuss his issues and marriage problems, he also used to do majority of school runs and I’d see him texting all the other mums which I found bizarre

Your children haven't divorced their dad. They are all still part of the family , you just aren't married to him anymore

It's the right thing to do , I'd they see each other and your dad has helped him. It's a drink to say thank you.

Please tell your father and brother not to discuss you though if I'm honest it would bother me but I think this is something you're going to have to suck up