All women I know are in my situation

[growli]

Pretty useless DH. They're left to look after the kids. Called nags if they complain.

It mostly falls on them. The marriages are pretty rubbish.

I've posted here so many times about my issues with my H and my lifestyle with small kids.

I always get told I need to divorce. I get told that there are other men out there who aren't as useless with their children.

In real life, every woman I know, faces something similar. Mainly responsible for everything to do with kids and house, works full time most of the time too.

Husband works hard, but doesn't contribute to looking after the kids or household. Complains of not enough sex.

The women I know are highly educated and in successful careers. We all feel stitched up. We were told if we study hard and are in successful careers, we wouldn't end up being slaves to our husbands and children.

What happened to the men our parents raised ? For them to expect women to still be like their mothers ? Doing everything for kids and family.

Mothers and mothers in law in general ( even though they raised us to be successful career women with choices ) don't have a whole lot of sympathy as it seems a raise to the bottom and ' how much harder ' it was for them.

I realise I'm generalising

I don't think anyone is despising women for having useless husbands. However there does seem to be a lot of resignation on this thread, some of it probably due to a false belief that all men are the same. Whenever anyone makes any sort of practical suggestion they're told they are blaming the women. But we all know the people to blame for crap men are the men themselves. The thing is they're not going to change if their partners just carry on accepting an unfair share of the load and being called a "nag" like they're married to Andy Capp. OP describes herself as a "slave" to her husband but actually she's not a slave- she's a person with agency who earns her own money and no doubt would manage better on her own than having to wait on a lazy misogynist. So what's she still doing there?

In my experience they don’t / won’t / refuse to change
i tried the ‘refuse to do it ‘ thing - he still did nothing just complained that I was a nag
he’d just cause a row and storm off if he thought I was going to ask him to do anything around the house and come back hours later
so I went out and left him to it - my return was a furious husband who I later found out had gone out and left our child alone at home
when I divorced him he actually used this against me

They might do a fair amount of childcare but none of them have gone part time due to childcare and children.

I know a couple - both teachers - where he went part time because she didn't want to. He said the hardest part was not being welcomed into mother and baby groups or being viewed with suspicion because he 'let' his wife work full time rather than 'letting' her go part time.

All of these were from women because he didn't encounter many SAHDs.

There's needs to be a whole societal shift.

Not letting men get away with not paying maintenance or not seeing their children after a relationship ends would be a start. Society doesn't value ends role in the aily other than as the provider. That's not me saying - the poor menz! But, if we are not going to hold men to account, it is going to fall onto women.

It's not the case for me or my close friends I went to uni with (we all have our own careers). My husband and I both work ft and have 3 young children, my husband does more than his share, if anything it's me who needs to do more! He does all the cooking, food shopping, he does a lot of running around with the kids, sorts out utilities, house maintenance, anything related to the cars etc etc. He's an all rounder. He also baths and puts the kids to bed. He'll remind me of school things if I've forgot anything. I still nag him for leaving the washing to me 🤣 and the bulk of the cleaning, but bar breastfeeding and getting up with the youngest in the night sometimes that's pretty much all my jobs. We are 75/25 😆 he's been short changed! He's a great dad too, our children worship him. I wouldn't have married him if I sensed he wouldn't pull his weight.

His dad is very much the same, he never rests and will do everything to make his mums life easier. Before he retired he'd get up at 5am and do the dishwasher and make his mum's breakfast then leave for work at 7am (taking her a cup of tea in bed before he left!), she'd get up at 7am to her breakfast ready on the side and a clean tidy kitchen everything put away. My husband made me my breakfast as a surprise this morning actually, scrambled egg on toast 😁, nothing amazing but it was nice. I'll remember this thread when I nag him, he's a good egg really!

Nope. This is none of the women I know.

Infact my Dh is the polar opposite. My Dh is the driver, he makes things happen, gets up early and gets all his jobs done before I've even woken up.

Blaming his mother is going too far if he's an adult with a fully functioning brain. He's entirely responsible for his own idleness, if that's what the problem is.

You are right OP and MN are so quick to say LTB.

However , I decided I wasn't going to be one of those women anymore. So came up with a plan with DH about how household chores should be shared more equally and he has gotten better. Needs reminding every now and then but it is better.

YANBU

And all the statistics and studies back this up.

Sometimes I get lonely and for a moment a vit sad about being single (I never met a good, compatible man) but knowing what many relationships are actually like women, I just sigh out of relief and carry on my happy and free life.

It truly sounds so awful most of the time.
And I always wondered is this the reason married women get so angry at single women.

Things were much better for me as a doctor 30 years ago.
My generation of men came of age as gentle hippies, not macho types.
DH used to come to my hospital after his day at work, and cook my dinner in the doctors’ mess kitchen. When I was on call for an 80 hour shift Fri to Mon, he even made me Sunday roasts.
When I had our first baby, he took 2 weeks annual leave (no paternity leave in those days) and changed every single nappy, saying that as I had to do the feeding, he’d do the other end. He would bath our baby and toddler every night after work, and walk the floor with them if teething at 2am.
He was a fab cook, doing curries, Chinese and Indonesian dishes, and took a fair share of housework, even the grim bits like cleaning loos.
When he sadly died at 36, I had to be shown how to put petrol in my car - he had always fuelled it for me, and taken it for all servicing. He was an absolute star of a partner, and I still grieve him, 31 years after his death.

This has not been my experience either. I think people seem to be getting very caught up on the idea of whose "fault" this is. Of course its noone's "fault" if their husband turns out to be a lazy, uncaring twat, but it is their responsibility to decide whether its something they can live with for the next few decades or not and so they leave. Barring abuse, and not being physically able to leave, we are all responsible for our own happiness and if we arent taking responsibility for that, then who on earth will?

I'd have thought this was one thread in which the NAMALT response would provide reassurance for those asking whether men were all as bad! That a life of drudgery, whether you work or not, really isn't inevitable because you happen to have a uterus. And that there's actually a way out of this predicament if you find yourself in it, rather than just complaining about it and assuming it's the same for everyone.

Every day's a learning day on MN!

all the statistics and studies back this up.

Studies show that men on average do less around the house than women. They don't show that all men do less, nor that all men react like misogynist bullies when asked to do a bit more. You are allowed to have higher standards for yourself!

That is a load of crap!! Women do not form friendships on the basis of shared stories of useless dick husbands! I did not know a friend of many years was having problems in her marriage until late last year, and they're now separating. You wouldn't even know mostly as women are more likely to cover things up.

As for this 'magic formula' that you can somehow turn a lazy arse of a man into a decent human being - well I would like to know how you do that, because I am damned if I know!!

Do you think men show their true colours straight away? No. The relationship is fun and it works. I think it's when children come along that things can change. we were together 14 years before having our first, and that's when I realised he wasn't going to pull his weight in the way I'd hoped. I also think my standards changed in terms of cleaning, tidying etc. He didn't give a fuck.

It's societal. Women are expected to be the default parent, women are more likely to go part time or be a SAHP and men usually go back to work after just 2 weeks so of course the woman ends up the one who can settle the baby easier.

My husband isn't how you describe at all.

No my DH is not like this. He loves cleaning! He’s spent the morning making the bathroom sparkle. 😂

Not the case in my situation or my older Dsis. My friends are not so close so I've no idea what happens behind closed doors. My younger dsis is in that situation although she's not very well educated and her job is not professional.

I'm pretty happy with my situation, I'm a sahm, well educated but happier to spend time with dc while they're young than be at work. DH works ft out of the house, he does all morning school runs and laundry, and pulls his weight in the evenings and at weekends when he's not at work. Clears up and washes pans after dinner (cooked by me before he gets home). Weekends are spent all of us together as a family, pulling together to share nice experiences with our dcs. I do a lot of the mental load but then I'm also better at it and to some extent I enjoy that aspect of organising our family life.

My DH loves cleaning too. 😂

Yep! And society lets them.

My husband is better than most men in terms of contributing to the house and our children. But why is that the benchmark? It should be measured against my labour and responsibilities- which far exceed his. 😡

I'm not super surprised to read your OP, I do know loads of women in similar situations. But I do also know women like me with fantastic partners who are even more amazing dads. I don't think people do need to put with men who don't pull their weight. There's not even any point really is there other than financial, most of the women I know with husbands/partners that are useless fathers the woman doesn't work/doesn't have professional qualifications etc and that seems to me to be the reason they won't leave, cos they like the financial lifestyle they have and they'd be in a drastically different situation other (like relying on welfare benefits situation as opposed to living in a huge house brunching whenever they want and buying designer clothes on their husbands credit card). The families I know where the women work have more equal relationships Ive noticed. Of course again small sample size and generalising obviously.

My dh works shifts so was the one to do swimming / ballet / pta cake sale etc after school during the week. He wasn’t just in the minority (as a man doing these things) he was literally the only man and a massive novelty as a result

how many of us are the ones who get the phone call when your kids have banged their heads / forgotten their lunchbox despite the fact we’re chairing a board meeting and have explicitly told the school that the dad should be the primary contact

dh is ok around the house. A bit irrational and unaware when choosing what needs doing and what can wait but the whole of society is implicated in perpetuating this set up.

If its your reality do something about it. You rant about it which I can understand but what are you actually doing about it? You've been told to leave him as ultimately thats the only way you will stop feeling like this but you haven't yet.

It's certainly not my reality. My dad worked long hours but very much had a view of everyone putting in effort towards making our home special. My mum cooked so he'd do dishes. She'd do bedtimes because he worked long hours and he did mornings with is so she could have a longer lie in. It wasn't always 50:50 as he wasn't home as much as she was but when he was home he did his fair share. She wouldn't have settled for anything less. I won't either. Dh has always been an equal partner and if not I wouldn't have married him but I was in a good job prior to meeting him and happy in myself. We are asian and I'm well aware my dh is considered an atypical dh as is my dad. My brother is self sufficient and I aim for my son to be too. I have been told several times that dh is good at taking care of the kids and my response is why wouldn't he be? They are his kids, he isn't looking after them, he's parenting not doing me a favour. Had his behaviour changes after dd1 arrived I wouldn't have gone on to have ds. I'm not in favour of adding to my woes but thankfully he's the same as he has always been, very supportive and a team player.

At some point you have to take responsibility for allowing yourself to be treated this way.

It makes me feel lucky to be a single mum.

That said, my ex is useless. Refuses to share child care, shows no interest in the children, regularly misses child maintenance payments.

I have zero support from him, and there are times when I just need that shoulder to cry on.
(The cat got a drenching last night with my tears). 😭🙀

Yes, my DD (15) said this to me last week.

Along with depressing things about the use of Porn by all the boys in her class.

H1 total waste of space, I regret everything about our relationship except my DTs who are now 18, he last saw them 13.5 years ago & never paid a penny in maintenance.
H2 partner in every sense of the word. Farther to 4 children (DTs chose to call him Dad) who he treats equally.

Things ebb & flow over time but we know how important it is to make time for us - a walk & a chat, a long dinner together, a stolen weekday off work.

I know how lucky we are.