All women I know are in my situation

[growli]

Pretty useless DH. They're left to look after the kids. Called nags if they complain.

It mostly falls on them. The marriages are pretty rubbish.

I've posted here so many times about my issues with my H and my lifestyle with small kids.

I always get told I need to divorce. I get told that there are other men out there who aren't as useless with their children.

In real life, every woman I know, faces something similar. Mainly responsible for everything to do with kids and house, works full time most of the time too.

Husband works hard, but doesn't contribute to looking after the kids or household. Complains of not enough sex.

The women I know are highly educated and in successful careers. We all feel stitched up. We were told if we study hard and are in successful careers, we wouldn't end up being slaves to our husbands and children.

What happened to the men our parents raised ? For them to expect women to still be like their mothers ? Doing everything for kids and family.

Mothers and mothers in law in general ( even though they raised us to be successful career women with choices ) don't have a whole lot of sympathy as it seems a raise to the bottom and ' how much harder ' it was for them.

I realise I'm generalising

Women need to stop trying to do it all, men are quite happy for them to do so. I have raised two sons completely alone, now they are older l no longer cook or clean up after them, I've told them just because I'm a woman doesn't mean l enjoy doing cooking and cleaning anymore than they do. I am going through the menopause, so l need to rest to ensure l can do my physical job properly. The eldest one ropes his girlfriend in, she tells me she enjoys cleaning her own bedroom and ensuite, and she probably does judge me but l couldn't give a dam, l did it for years when they were younger and l never got a break , so as far as I'm concerned they are more than capable of doing it now.
Women are too willing to carry the load, I' m trying to raise independent young men, l told sons girlfriend this but she's more than happy, (for now) to do what he should be doing. This is how women make a rod for their own backs.

Not normal for me. My husband and I both work FT and he does more than 50/50. Most families I know too. I wouldn’t put up with it any other way.

Gosh. Only on page one and already women are being blamed for the fact their husbands are lazy fuck arses. Must be great being a man. Even when you are objectively being shit, you don’t have to take the blame. Everyone will blame the woman instead.

It isn't a question of whose 'fault' it is. The question has been asked in an open forum under the general observation of 'all the women I know are in this situation'. But all women are not in this position. And even if they were, there's no compulsion for them to remain in that situation. The solution lies in your hands only: you can't control others' behaviour but you can control your responses, and set your own boundaries about what you and and are not willing to tolerate.

If you want to be passive in the face of this attitude - which I'd regard as nothing short of contemptuous toward women - that's your lookout. Doing this, or complaining into cyberspace, or seeking empathy on the internet to the tune of 'poor us, aren't they all awful' might be very enjoyable but will do nothing practicable whatsoever to address the issue.

Just what is it you want other women to say?

That's really sad for you OP. I couldn't be in a relationship with a man who held me in such low regard.

My husband definitely does his fair share. My friends are all equally split with their OHs (or single).

The only relationships I know like this are relations, and the women in those partnership need to be seen as the "SuperMum" taking on everything. They actually want to be the homemaker while the husband goes out to work/does nothing.

@Walkaround my standards are pretty low. It’s not weaponised competence that has been an issue in my life!

It’s not that my STBXH can’t do things or doesn’t do them well enough. It’s that he won’t. He views everything as my job. Including (now we are separated and divorcing) outright saying ‘it must be hard being the default parent; you have to be the one looking after the children’. This wasn’t actually the realisation it could be; he was reflecting that he’d decided he was going away for the week and that wasn’t something a ‘default parent’ can just do. He wasn’t actually realising that I do all the work, because he is so utterly self-centred that he thinks that’s how it should be.

Sheer male entitlement. And, of course, he hid that until I was pregnant. There wasn’t really the opportunity to find out that he’d just decide I was on maternity leave so all household duties were mine until I was in the situation. He couldn’t even pretend he was financially supporting me, as I was getting full pay at that point. But this man who insisted (and insists again) that he’s so tidy and does all the work, would just leave a trail of destruction behind him
and expect me to clean it. Then get arsed if I made a point of not tidying up his breakfast stuff for him. Apparently I was being petty.

It is the case that lots of men really do just, deep down, believe it’s women’s work.

This is exactly how it always is. It’s why we evolved for the women to be the homemakers of society. Can you embrace it by quitting or radically reducing your hours at work? That way you can love and appreciate your DH for providing for your family and he can love and appreciate you for taking care of the home and children.

It was my reality, OP. Back then, there was no Mumsnet to consult. Had I known what I know now, I would have left after having my first child. The rot set in when he refused to ever get up for the early mornings at weekends. He, apparently, could listen to our child crying more than I could and I was too worn down by then to argue. We had three children together. There were some good times as well as bad, but he was also a bully and eventually, I had little choice but to leave him.

I often think back to my childhood and the assumption that women were now equal (or would be shortly) and feel angry that I was sold such a lie. In my profession, which now has more women than men, men still dominate, still earn higher wages and are more likely to be promoted.

It’s taken me years to reach a point where I will now stand up for myself and won’t put up with being bullied, but events from the last year, when I refused to be bullied by a man, but ended up shafted by the system anyway, which supported him over me, have left me feeling powerless, yet again.

I sometimes think it would have been easier to grow up in the full knowledge that I couldn’t expect too much from life, because of my sex. I am sure many women succeed in spite of the inequality that pervades almost everything, but that still doesn’t make it easier.

😂😂😂😂😂😂

I earned more than my ex and when his industry went into recession and there was no work I had to go back to work and he had to take over the kids. We did have a cleaner and help with childcare.

I also had a long commute so I wasn't physically there to do anything most of the time. I did weekend stuff though and over the years he did take up hobbies with his male friends at weekends so I was a bit isolated unless I organised social stuff. He always knew the kids appointments and school calendar etc. I didn't have to worry about that.

We divorced when the kids left as he didn't actually want to do anything with me at all at weekends, just his hobbies and my mum has a go at me about it saying he did everything you wanted so you could have your career. Er, no. I was working to pay for our lives, not selfishly having a career! And everything I wanted? What, a father looking after his children? He did that because I wanted it? It was economic reality.

Circumstances are what they are and I didn't plan it but earning more than the man does change the power balance a lot. There are some weird attitudes to roles but at least my sons grew up with a mum out working and dad in the kitchen. There weren't many dads doing it then.

Ultimately I didn't stay with him as golf twice a week and football in the pub just don't interest me and I don't see the point being married to someone I have no shared interests with and who prefers the company of his old pub mates to me.

Um. My husband is ex forces, there is nothing effeminate there, I can assure you, and there is nothing effeminate about doing your share. However he is also intelligent and not a neandrathol

if what you mean is you want a thick lazy arse, then enjoy.

It’s not my reality and would never have had children with him if it was.

Hes an equal partner, we both work FT and do our share.

I know a handful of shite husbands but I also know plenty of good ones

It’s a mix here, my brother and bil do equal and sometimes more because my sister and sil work in hospitals. Best friend’s dh is sahd, all are very much teams, actually bil and sil are the same but I’ll be honest all men have personalities that are a bit too anal for want of a better word iykwim (I hate that I said that but everything is about organisation or cleaning etc). I had a chat with db years ago and said parenting and adulting was so difficult and db told me to cop on and stop shouldering the burden of it all-that it’s meant to be a joint thing or what’s the point. We’re not quite where they are but I told dh I needed more and dh was shocked and disappointed that I felt like life had gotten so tough and he stepped up then even more since I went back to work but yes, it used to be bloody hard

I call bullshit on this 50/50 lot. Even when the men share pick off and drop off, they are not making the packed lunches, packing the bags,.responding to the party invites, keeping up with school notifications/events/trips, washing the uniform, making sure the homework is done, booking them into clubs, planning the school holidays, buying the clothes when they grow out of them, arranging the playdates... The mental and physical load is long and it is endless. Most men have no fucking idea . They pick up their kids a few times a week, load the dishwasher every so often and think they are gods gift to fatherhood.

Your situation is nothing like mine or the overwhelming majority of women that I know.

I said something similar to my DH when he was a boyfriend. We were staying with his parents in his home country and he was letting his mum do his laundry and make appointments for him (for a check up he needed to get that trip). I said when we are at our home in England you behave like a man and when you're here you're a little boy again. I don't find little boys sexy.

I don’t work but my husband does (full time). He still takes the oldest out after work for an hour or two most days (bike riding, swimming or to the park) and on the weekend although we usually all spend it together. He will sometimes help around the house. I’m very lucky.

Yes, they are.

Exactly but I was then told I was being mean. Meanwhile, none of those "poor you, men are all awful" posters couldnt come up with a single suggestion to fix it. Ok then, carry on being sad about it but that isnt going to change anything, its just a life time of unhappiness to look forward to.

Yes they are gods gift to fatherhood?!

Non of the women I know are in that situation. Change your expectations!

I admire your self awareness and honesty. But it's an alien perception to me.

When my husband hoovers, it says to me that he doesn't consider me a shitwork household appliance. It also stops me from being too tired to get hot when he's lifting weights. And I do definitely love it when he's actively parenting and being an involved and responsible father. Always found that attractive. I also couldn't find James Bond or Indiana Jones sexy if they were too useless to work a washing machine.

I also don't have any interest in being a martyr. Both my parents were martyrs in their own ways and it brought everyone down...it was the opposite of selfless self-sacrifice. I don't like it at all.

I'll admit my own taboo, though, that I do very much like that he earns significantly more than I do. I've also got some un-PC bedroom preferences. So I'm not pretending I have no lizard-brain preferences myself. They wouldn't be fulfilled by a man I found effeminate though.

If it works for you, then great. But the sheer number of distressed threads on here from women in that exact position, or who ended their marriages over it, does suggest that it's a serious issue.

He wouldn't appreciate it. They never do.

If it wasn't for the kids I would leave. But I'm a kid of divorce and hated it. Hated sitting with my depressed drunk dad by myself at weekends. My DH is useless but kind and happy with the kids. We are masters of our destiny that's true but also our kids destiny and that influences the decision. Some people on MN make it sound so simple.

I’m currently on annual leave on a 3 week yoga retreat without DH to allow me to unwind after a stressful few months at work and at home.

so far today I have:

• Explained to my DH how to pay electricity bill due today
• reminded him that the cats need sitting next week when he joins me, suggested a friend to ask to cats sit, and two backups, and given him a word by word script of what to instruct them
• Walked him through checking if the plants need to be watered and how to do it
• reminded him that the cleaning lady needs to be paid tomorrow and sent him a list of instructions for her to do when away
• noticed on my work phone that one of my reportees is chasing a payment that we no longer have budget for so texted my strategically incompetent male boss to actually inform the poor woman about the budget cut that came through 3 days ago.

And I swear to god I have one of the good ones.

That’s a massive generalisation.

My dh does all those things as much as I do, apart from arranging play dates as even though he’s the one who does the school run (he works from home and likes the short walk there with dd to chat without our toddler shouting over them), the other mothers tend to want to chat to me, so they just pass their numbers on to me.