All women I know are in my situation

[growli]

Pretty useless DH. They're left to look after the kids. Called nags if they complain.

It mostly falls on them. The marriages are pretty rubbish.

I've posted here so many times about my issues with my H and my lifestyle with small kids.

I always get told I need to divorce. I get told that there are other men out there who aren't as useless with their children.

In real life, every woman I know, faces something similar. Mainly responsible for everything to do with kids and house, works full time most of the time too.

Husband works hard, but doesn't contribute to looking after the kids or household. Complains of not enough sex.

The women I know are highly educated and in successful careers. We all feel stitched up. We were told if we study hard and are in successful careers, we wouldn't end up being slaves to our husbands and children.

What happened to the men our parents raised ? For them to expect women to still be like their mothers ? Doing everything for kids and family.

Mothers and mothers in law in general ( even though they raised us to be successful career women with choices ) don't have a whole lot of sympathy as it seems a raise to the bottom and ' how much harder ' it was for them.

I realise I'm generalising

I’m going to stop thinking my husband is a bit of a prick after reading this thread.

We’ve never once in 13 years argued about housework or childcare. He just does stuff. I just do stuff too. We are a team with the house and children. He does all the shopping, a huge bulk of the cooking, DIY, garden. The only thing that is “my job” entirely is putting the clean washing away as he’s incapable of recognising who’s clothes are who’s and it annoys me.

I am SAHM and he works but when he’s not at work, he’s right in there doing all the things that need doing. He even does 20-30 hours of overtime a month after we’ve all gone to bed and all that money goes into a “family” account for things for the children like days out, clothes etc. He doesn’t use any of it himself.

I don’t get the mental load stuff that people talk about either. I don’t feel like I am responsible for everything to do with the house and the children at all and I am certainly not responsible for anything to do with my husbands life.

I’m really, really sorry for all those who are having a hard time. Grown men should act like grown ups and just do what needs doing.

I couldn’t live with a man who acted like a child and needed to be told what to do.

I too suspect this is the situation in many cases. Is this a ‘new’ phenomenon? Are women just differently hardwired to men to want children (at any cost) I wonder or is it that society no longer makes men feel proud to be a good father and partner? Society still puts women under a lot of pressure to find a partner and have children. If you have children, unless you have relatively low outgoings or a high salary relative to your outgoings you become, to an extent, dependent on a man. That’s why women end up putting up with this rubbish. I don’t think many simply accept it. I think there are probably arguments up and down the country about this but the man usually is safe in the knowledge that his contribution maintains the status quo. Maybe it was different when benefits were more generous and a mother knew she could have secure social housing and an income while her children were at school if she decided to kick Mr Useless to the curb? That’s not the answer tho, having the state fulfilling the role of a responsible man!

If my husband called me a nag, I'm afraid he'd wake up with a horse's head under the duvet.

Leave.
Being a single parent is so much easier than life with my exDH. You wouldn't believe the weight that is lifted.

And I've met a decent man since that but I don't think there's many out there.

Yeah it is rubbish. Honestly - although not without its challenges - it is much better to be a single parent than to tolerate this nonsense. At least you are free from feeling taken advantage of and carrying another adult or having to concern yourself with them behaving like another dependent child. And also can be financially secure and know that nobody else can screw that up for you at any point they choose and make your lose your home, etc.

There is a reason why very many women - once they've been through divorce and come out the other side - end up much happier and decide to stay single, or at the very least never cohabit or mix finances with a man again.

Mine would never call me a nag - it’s the other way round in our house. The more he nags, the more determined I become not to do whatever he’s nagging about.

@ILikeToSleepALot I do believe this is the main reason behind it. I don't know any men who actively wanted children or could provide a good reason for having them. They're not wired to be obsessed with it as some women are.

But it's the done thing and the women in their lives want it so they go along with it. It's pretty obvious the ones who are shit dads would rather not have bothered - not sure why their partners live in denial over it.

While I don’t disagree that being a single parent is better than living with my STBXH, the fact we share a son is still a considerable source of stress in my life.

I can understand why many women do just stay and put up with shit, but not nasty, men - and why many marriages break up when the kids leave home. At that point, being single is just all improvement.

Habits are formed during maternity leave and it rarely shifts again

Some of these posts are depressing. If a man is shit, it must be a woman’s fault for putting up with it, apparently.

It's not the woman's fault for putting up with it but that's completely different to pandering to, and enabling this behavior. 🙄

We all need to take responsibility for the way we allow others to treat us. Not just men but all people in our lives.

My OH definitely doesn't fit the stereotype and more than does his fair share. His mother worked full time from when he started school, which was quite unusual in the late 1970s and I get the impression she was always a rather reluctant housewife. I do still sometimes get the impression that she thinks that I should be doing more because she had to, but that's probably my own internalised guilt (thanks patriarchy!). I feel lucky because I see many of my friends struggling with useless partners, and I am hoping that we are a generation away from more equal relationships. It probably comes down to how we raise our sons and whether they learn that the status quo is unacceptable.

That's interesting.

I think the fact that so many men completely walk out of their children's lives post-relationship breakdown, or are happy to have just minimal contact with them, tells me this must be true.

I do sometimes wonder if it’s the priorities many women have when picking a partner, many successful women seem to want equally successful men career wise. But I think women have a much better ability to give themselves to multiple things.

I wanted a kind man who would be a good husband and father, someone who would care for his family more than his career/hobbies. Which is what I prioritised

my dad was a similar kind of man. There’s plenty out there, they just might not earn as much.

I’m in the process of leaving my partner for this reason. I carry the financial weight of the household, and organise all of the payment of bills, as well as shopping and do all the housework. It has been a daily battle since we moved in together to get him to do anything and any love has gone because I am so exhausted.

I haven’t told my family yet as I need to get my ducks in a row. But I was surprised talking to my sister the other day about a mutual friend who has just had a baby - she was telling my how sad she was that this lady (partner at a city law firm) was crying to her that her husband who had insisted that he give up work to become a SAHP and now wants her to get a nanny to look after baby along side their cleaner so he can write his book… she just wants to stay at home with her baby- but they can’t afford that- and he has gone from contributing very little financially to nothing as well as now doing nothing round the house.

I thought it was just me that was the mug- but actually it turns out a few of my peers are in the same boat.

I wonder if now where it is socially acceptable for men to call themselves SAHP more are saying that that is what they will do- knowing that when they cut corners it wont matter because their high achieving wives wont let the kids go without a healthy tea, without clean clothes, or the homework checked…

I agree with you. I was raised to put the working men first. They got bigger portions, they got the TV, they choose how to spend the money, they got the best chair. My mother was raised the same, as was hers, as was hers ad infinitum. When my mother was very ill I once i was expected to clean, hoover, wash and even cook (but I didn't know how). I was 8yrs and the youngest of four but the only female. So aged 8 I was expected to run the house while 3 older brothers and father did fuck all. My dad was surprised and got very, very angry that I didnt know how to cook meals and he made damned sure i suffered for it. I was a good girl after that. I was horrified and so ashamed I had let my parents down when I was needed.

This was how I went into dating. My father didn't really care for kids so I was determined to do better and find someone who wanted kids. Oh how foolish I was. I didn't realise that him wanting kids meant the same as raising them. Same with a house. He wanted a house but not the drudgery. He wanted a house with a big garden....Guess who has to do that.

I had to give up work for various reasons. I've had no money of my own for twenty odd years and have to ask if we have enough so I can replace holey clothes. He won't get tradesmen in because he can do it, but then never has time or energy. TV/rest is more important or his car or motorbike. We are broke though. He spends on himself, usually without thought on how bills get paid. That's been a lifelong worry to me.

I get blamed for nagging him. Then I get blamed for not reminding him. I cannot win, I stand up to him and he shouts me down. His voice is louder than mine. This has been my entire life so it's not easy to walk away. It wasn't until I came on this forum that I found out my life is not normal, he is abusing me in many different ways. But he doesn't hit...so I'm lucky, right?

Not all men are like that, but the majority seem to be. My DH has a ‘big job’ but does more than his fair share of house and child care and a lot of the mental load so it’s possible. He is aware of what other men are like and actively strives not to be like that. It’s depressing how the many men are selfish arseholes.

My DH didn't have a SAHM but I did, as well as my father being one of these shit men.

From as long as I can remember, I knew that if I had children I wouldn't be a SAHM and I wouldn't have them with a man like my father.

I don’t relate to the OP’s description at all and it doesn’t reflect my siblings or close friends relationships either. Am sure there are plenty in the OPs position but there are lots of us who aren’t too.

My DH probably does more than 50% tbh. He gets up with the kids 4 put of 5 days, he has to be up while I work shifts so don't. He makes their lunches for school (I feel they're old enough to make them) and does the majority of the cooking. I do do all the admin, and I mean all which is time consuming with many kids, but we work well as a team. I feel like we both play to our strangths with what we do rather than trying to do an euql amount of everything.

That said I have had partners before and none of them were any good and all of them wouldnt even notice my exhaustion as they did very little at home.

I honestly see our marriage as teamwork. My husband works full time, I (happily) work part time. I do the bulk of childcare because of this but when my FH is home he is hands on and does bath turn, bed time, weekends etc.

We work together to find a balance that suits us both. Sorry this is not the case for you or your friends. That's shit!

My husband probably does more than me in the marriage! He cooks, does the food shop, pulls his weight with childcare, works full time. I'm the lazy one in the relationship! He's not perfect but I'm definitely lucky.

Some of these posts are depressing. If a man is shit, it must be a woman’s fault for putting up with it, apparently

we all have personal responsibility for the choices we make. And unless their is abuse or another reason , then it’s a choice to live like this… plenty of women are saying they’ve no experience of this and have an equitable relationship

i recall when I was dating my husband, early days, he asked me to iron his shirt, we were going out. I literally told him to go fuck himself. I’ve seen threads on here where women actually go to their partners home and friggen clean it before they leave. And then years later complain they are expected to do that stuff.

you are 50/50 from day 1. Inc paying your way from day 1 and until you are either on maternity or cease working. And you share the responsibilities equally. And you find a partner who is on board with that. And you don’t just do it anyway and make it habit and an expectation.

my husband does half. He is fine with everything, but hates emptying the dish washer. If it’s his turn, I leave it, and I will let dishes pile up if he doesn’t get round to it. I will mutter it’s your turn. But no I don’t step in and do any of it. I simply shove my dirty dishes in the sink and walk away.

Exactly!

It's like railing at the sun for not rising in the west v the east. One can only change oneself, not others. Take responsibility for one's own choices.

OH has always more than pulled his weight. If anyone was the problem it was me. I spent a lot of time working away during the week or commuting, he had a local job that he enjoyed and took on the role of dad. He loved being dad and looking after the girls. The downside was that they were definitely daddy's girls and whenever something was wrong it was dad they wanted not mum. As for the 'mental' load that just sorted itself out onto things he did and things I did. Big issue at times was holidays as he hates heat so if I wanted to go somewhere hot I went on my own.

We do have a single dad who's a friend and he just seems to get on with it so obviously men are just as capable when they need to be. I did suggest he remarry but he seems set against that.