Ex partner and kids

[MumofLandD]

Ex has kids half the time. DS (12) has a tracker on his phone. He also has end of year exams and has some anxiety around going to school mainly on Monday mornings.
Have seen this morning that ex and kids were out until gone midnight last night (Dd is 9) and DS has his sport this morning early.
So of course when ex drops the kids his evening they will be super tired and cranky and DS will.probably be anxious going to school tomorrow morning.
I'm all.for being out til midnight- just do it when you don't have the kids. Go home.earlier when you have them.
For context they were at at ex friends who I fell out with when we split up because I had had enough of ex's emotional abuse (calling me mental, controlling, that I should be.locked up and medicated) and she told me that she was a nice person and could see both sides of a story and helped him find a flat to rent.

I have a tracking app on my phone for both my kids. It doesn't give me notifications of when they arrive somewhere unless I have set it up to do that. Do you really need to know when they arrive at your ex's house. If it's going to upset you to this extent then you are probably better off switching it off and not knowing where they are with him.

Early night tonight and there's no problem. This has more to do with how you feel about your ex than anything else.

I saw the notification this morning and then yes I clicked on the notification to see where they had been and it shows the address.
I do not sit at home when he has them constantly looking my phone seeing where they are.
I'm actually a nice person and I love and care for my children immeasurably. I would do anything for them and I do do anything for them.
I am merely concerned that my DS has an exam tomorrow and was (presumably because I don't stalk him) up early this morning and will be tired for school tomorrow and be anxious anyway for his exam.
I just wanted opinions and added about my ex friend as I thought it was relevant as I was trying to work out if I was just being jealous.
By the way if you dm me I can give you my ex's number- he was damn good at gaslighting too. I think you two would get on.

I think you are probably right!

Lol I'm gas lighting now. Brilliant. Anything to shine the light elsewhere.

I am merely concerned that my DS has an exam tomorrow and was (presumably because I don't stalk him) up early this morning and will be tired for school tomorrow and be anxious anyway for his exam.

You can reframe the way you think about this. You’re assuming that because one thing happened (they stayed out late), others will follow (being overtired, being anxious, maybe not doing as well on the exam). This is called catastrophising (albeit fairly mild).

In reality the kids may be just fine and the anxiety no worse than it would have been anyway. But now you are likely to be scanning for anxiety and attributing it to tiredness, and blaming your ex.

Just make sure the kids have an earlier night tonight and that you give your DS any support he needs. No need to manufacture a drama when one does not necessarily exist.

Is he not tired from the 'sport' he played?

What are end of year exams? GCSE's? Mocks?

If he is 12 then it's just generic marked in school exams done at the end of each school year.

At twelve they're not important exams, an early night is all they need tonight. If you say anything you'll look exactly like they already think you are. Turn off the push notifications on the App too and don't look at it while they're with their dad. How would you feel if your ex tracked you?

You absolutely are.gaslighting.
You have accused me of "spying on your kids and trying to weaponise it". Untrue, not spying and not weaponising it. Came on here for opinions as to whether I am overreacting to seeing from a notification that my children had a late night.
You have said that my friend 'dared to sit on the fence rather than pick a side'. She did pick a side- his. I stated that.
You have insinuated that my children are not allowed to have fun when they are with me.
And then you have accused me of lying when I have explained about the notification 'And it wasn't just a notification was it?' 'Stop back tracking'- I'm not.

Signing off now.
Thanks to those who gave valid opinions.
I guess I am catastrophising and this reaction probably is more to do with my unresolved anger towards him. And perhaps my ex friend too, I am still very hurt by how that panned out.
Have a nice evening (mental note not to post on here again looking for some constructive criticism)

I say this kindly OP, but are you sure this isn’t about them bring at the ex-friends house? If they had been at his mum’s for example, perhaps you would feel differently? I promise I’m not having a go, it’s just something that stuck out in your first post

You absolutely were back tracking, you said yourself that you just get notifications, you said that twice, omitting the fact you then went digging to find out where they'd been. That is spying.

Re the friend, you specifically said "and she told me that she was a nice person and could see both sides of a story", how is seeing both sides of the story taking his side?! Helping him find a flat is just being helpful, you clearly stayed in the home otherwise she may have done the same for you. I assume she no longer talks to you because you got the hump with her for not being on your side.

Stop lashing out when you are the one seeking validation of your behaviour. And as for valid opinions, someone disagreeing with you does not invalidate their thoughts.

@Screwballs was right though....

Just leave OP alone- you are a bully.

OP, I’m personally of the view that it’s irresponsible to keep a 12 yr old and a 9 yr old out until half midnight unless for a special occasion. And especially bad if DS has an exam Monday morning.

Some posters will move heaven and earth to justify men’s irresponsible parenting and paint woman and bitter and jealous. Don’t let it get to you x

And how do you know it wasn't a special occasion? Is it only special if it's on mums time?

Anyway, so I'm a bully and I'm gaslighting. Any other names to chuck at me or do you have an actual argument that isn't "exdh isn't asking my permission to breath"?

So your 12 and 9 year old stayed up past 12am on a Saturday night once when they were with their dad?...

Yeah couldn't get worked up about that and no I don't think you can be angry.

This is proper batshit, tracking your ex's movements.

If I were him I'd be turning that phone off the second my DS arrived and not on again until he was back in your house.

I'm shocked your ex is OK with this. In fact by your communication style and personal attacks on PPs I'd make a decent bet the ex is unaware you are tracking him (through your ds).

Proper shitty and controlling behaviour by OP.

OP me and my kids have Life360 and I get these notifications. I don't use it to spy and I'm sure they don't either. As suggested, maybe get him to have a relaxing shower/bath and then early night. You can only control what you do, not your ex.

Just came on to say my DS is fine, not even tired ha ha ha.
Thanks to everyone who has called me batshit crazy, a stalker, a liar, etc.
Just to reiterate I don't stalk my ex, or even my child, I merely clicked on a notification this morning that informed that my child had completed a 3 mile drive at gone midnight to see where he'd been. Normally I ignore the notifications, except when he is on his way home from school or from.training or going to his friends house. Yes it's life360.
My original question was AIBU unreasonable to get annoyed? Not am I a shit mother/a stalker/bat shit crazy/terrible person/controlling ex?
Bye now

Where they were isn’t you adding ‘context’, it’s your sour grapes issue.

He doesn’t need to do what you want on his time. He’s just as much of an autonomous parent as you.

Poor kids!

I don’t think o could get worked up about a 12 year old who was up until 00.35 on a Saturday night with his dad.

Im guessing you think your ex-friend is your ex’s new girlfriend, OP?

Yes YABU.

You shouldn’t be checking up on your kids when they are with their Dad. No matter the reason.

Also agree this is about how you feel about your ex.

Both of mine are in bed early tonight after a late night last night with their Dad. It’s not the end of the world and I’m sure they’ll be fine by tomorrow

You mean the ex-friend who called OP controlling and unbalanced? 🤔