to be grumpy with strangers asking questions

[toddlertamer20]

Hi,
Sorry another 'wheelchair' post here. I honestly don't know if this is just me being over sensitive and grumpy (and made worse by this heat) or if people are just plain rude.
I am a wheelchair user. I mainly use an electric wheelchair (not a mobility scooter) or sometimes a manual one. I get a lot of children staring at my wheelchair and some ask questions - that is absolutlet fine, I answer them happily.
But then I get adults who IMO are just being rude and nosey and it's starting to irritate me so much. These are a few examples:

1. someone was looking over at me over and over again while I was having a coffee with my sister in Costa. He eventually gets up and comes to our table and says to my sister 'can I pray for her?'. Where I get that the thought was there, it annoyed me that he interrupted our conversation and also didn't speak to me....but spoke to my sister instead as she is able bodied.
2. Woman on the bus had several shopping bags and a shopping trolley and squeezed them all into the wheelchair space and the trolley rammed into my legs. I flinched. She seemed very shocked and apologised straight away, but then said 'Oh! you can feel your legs? why aren't you walking then?'...
3. I was with a friend I hadn't seen in ages, we were walking/wheeling along slowly, deep in conversation. A woman is walking in the opposite direction to us and passes us on the pavement. As she does she kind of hesitates and turns back and says 'excuse me' To be honest I thought she was going to ask us directions. But no. she comes out with 'Can I ask you a very a very personal question?' At this point I knew what was coming so I just carried on slowly wheeling forward. My friend hadn't realised and said 'ok what?' and she then says 'why is she in the wheelchair and how long has she been in it for?'. My friend was obviously taken aback by this....and king of stuttered and said that would be up to me. I just kind or called backwards ' sorry I have to get somewhere I'm late'.

I feel irritated by people. I mean i am happy to talk to people, openly tell pepple why i am in my chair etc. but when i am having a private conversation or a meal or a coffee etc i find it just really rude and annoying that people think that because I look different, they can intterupt me.But now it's playing on my mind if maybe I am being too touchy. I know they are just curious/want to help and I am in general a friendly person. I suppose I struggle to find a reply that isn't rude. Other times, like I said, I'm more than happy to talk to people. I actually love children asking me questions as it means they will grow up knowing the answers. But am being unreasonable not wanting constant rude questions....should I just reply politely and get over myself?

@ThursdayFreedom I did. Thanks for noticing

You're not remotely unreasonable - not sure whats going on in the minds of the 4% who chose YABU!

Mobility aids and how you use them seem to have a very strong influence over peoples view of you, at least I have found this to be the case.

Using a mobility scooter - scowls, mutters, dirty looks - judgement that I am using it because I am too fat and lazy to walk.

Manual chair, active style, self propelled - smiles, offers of help, but also pretending not to see me - like the time a castor tyre came off and I was sat on the pavement trying to fix it, on the verge of tears as I did not have a way of fixing it and my phone was dead. Everyone everyone walking past, looked away. (My DP eventually came looking when I failed to meet him where we'd agreed).

Manual chair - pushed by someone else - lots of talking to the pusher not me, offers of prayer, disgusting comments about my size hissed or shouted at me...

Powerchair - I am now invisible, I've been asked where my responsible adult is, assumed I am numb from the neck down (so its fine for their bicycle to smash repeatedly into my chair, jolting me)... fat related abuse again. People also look REALLY hard for someone else to speak to, resulting in folk behind me in a queue being asked stuff, and having to explain they are total strangers and not with me!

I've also had kids think my powerchair is cool (yes, yes it fucking is), tell their parents they want one (haha, squirm time!)... ask questions without bias or judgement, just curiosity.

Honestly the thing that upsets me most is when children are yanked out of my way (often when they were never in my way) and hissed at or told off for simply existing within a 10ft radius - because the parent is embarrassed that their child may have stared or got in the way or might ask a question.

I don't want kids growing up thinking wheelchair users or anyone with a disability or obvious (or less obvious) difference is something to avoid and fear - but that IS what these parents reactions will teach them long term!

So, answers to questions kids might ask:

'Some peoples bodies don't work the way yours does, so they have to do things a bit differently'

'Some people find standing/walking very difficult or painful, the chair helps them do stuff'.

'Lets look up some stuff about wheelchairs and disability when we get home, as that person is busy right now'.

'It would be rude to ask as it's personal and private, but we can find out more from the internet/books when we get home'.

And if they have already dived in and asked, just apologise a normal amount as you would when kids do impulsive and possibly, accidentally, rude stuff to or in front of anyone else, and have a chat with your kid later on.

A few dont's though....

Don't sarcastically send your kid to ask because you're fed up of the questions, hoping I will educate your child. I might, if I feel that way out but I might be in a lot of pain or on some pretty hefty drugs. I can't promise my answer will be kid safe, age appriopriate or sensible. If you don't want your child told that a shark chewed my legs off and these legs are just fakes the fairies brought me to put my trousers on, so DON'T JUMP IN PUDDLES LIKE I DID.... Or just told to sod off.... don't do it!

Don't yank your kid away hissing 'DON'T STARE, GET OUT OF THE WAY'... because apart from making your kid really not want to look at, engage with or acknowledge us cripples, it also makes me feel like fucking shit, that I am the cause of your kids embarrassment or upset, that I am something to be avoided. Sounds over sensitive but on a trip round a supermarket this will happen 20 times or more on a busy day!

Don't - let your kid run under my wheels, just watch where they are. 200kg of wheelchair, plus me, will do some severe damage even at 2mph.

Don't tell your kid to stand outside the accessible (and outward opening) toilet door to wait for you (I heard the instruction!), because the only way I have to open it is to kick it hard and if your small child is standing there, hasn't heard the lock disengage, hasn't moved... even when I shout 'coming ooooout'... welll. That did end in tears unfortunately, mostly through shock though.

@DifficultBloodyWoman @Mommyofvikings I’m a wheelchair user, as is my mum (both power chairs). neither of us mind AT ALL when children ask questions- I’ve had everything from “why is that lady in a push chair?” To “how fast can you go?”, “can’t you walk?”, “how do you go to the shops”, “are you allowed out on your own” 😂 all sorts of questions.

It’s absolutely fine- children need to ask questions in order to learn, and grow into adults who understand disabilities.

People really do presume wheelchair users have learning difficulties and can’t function themselves.

My Aunty was in a wheelchair from her late teens until her death- when she was out shopping with my uncle (she had to have him with her to push her as she couldn’t self propel/control an electric chair), she would go to the make up counters for example and the staff would look over her head at my uncle and ask what she wanted… he always made a big show of saying “what do I bloody know about make up/perfume/ women’s clothing?! Why don’t you ask her!”

@Alltheclogs thank you for that. I didn't think people minded I just didn't want my child to offend anyone. I didn't tell her off regardless of what people think on here. I did, however, tell her it wasn't polite and can sometimes be rude to ask personal questions.

I have heard someone shouting at a child for asking why they had sticks. My girl is such a sweetheart, I wouldn't want her to be shouted at and be upset for having a genuine concern and asking what is, to her, an innocent question so I guess I was maybe over apologetic incase the lady was upset. I suppose I was also maybe too shocked at her asking incase it went the same way it did for the little boy.

I've learned something today. In future if she does have anything to ask I won't be as worried about her hurting someone's feelings or offending anyone.

😊

YANBU, people with disabilities are dehumanised to the extreme. I remember taking my Nan on holiday and we went to an Aquarium. We went to a sea lion show and obviously sat in the disabled area. Children actually used her wheelchair to step on the footrest for a better view!! And when I told them to get off I had a furious dad having a go at me! She’d also constantly get someone’s handbag smashing her in the face in busy areas.

I don’t know what the solution is other than calling people out but it’s completely unacceptable

It can be tricky- my son has asd so struggles to filter, and is extremely confident because it just doesn’t occur to him to worry about other people’s opinions of him… he once saw a teenager dressed as some sort of goth/anime character on a train and started pointing and saying wow that girl looks amazing! Look mum, look! Is she a girl? Maybe it’s a boy… I love her hair! Meanwhile the girl was going bright red and I was trying to shut him up/stop him pointing while he was totally baffled about why someone would mind being complimented 🤦‍♀️

Sometimes they open their mouths before you can do anything about it!

@Mommyofvikings

I've explained to her that it's rude to ask people questions like that and she cried bless her.

Well, you can see why we assumed you'd made her cry with your 'explanation' (which wasn't correct anyway, as she wasn't rude!).

You've changed the story to her crying because the woman's legs didn't work. But that wasn't what you put in your post 🤷🏻‍♀️

Its so hard to navigate the questions. I found the best response to why is that lady in a chair etc i would say 'well I don't know, you will have to ask her but I think she is busy now so maybe we'll ask later' giving the person the chance to be 'busy' or engage. Does this seem appropriate?

I will never forget the 'why does that man have a baby in his tummy' I literally could not think of a reply and was so embarrassed 😳

Thank you. I do agree a child’s comments are very different to an adults but I still want to make sure my DC doesn’t upset anyone if I can avoid it. Or, for that matter, I upset anyone by answering her questions or comments in public!

I’ve only known one permanent wheelchair user, and that was before kids were on my radar. I thought it was too rude to ask him why when we met and it never really came up in conversation. His wheelchair was never his defining feature.

Others have all been occasional wheelchair users as a result of cancer and respiratory issues.

@DifficultBloodyWoman sorry not rtft so don’t know if someone else has suggested the book ‘what happened to you’ by James catchpole. Brilliant book and talking point for kids.

Oh and the ‘my body, your body’ books. They have lots of different ones and talk about the differences in people in a lovely rhyming verse, the ‘legs’ book touches upon wheelchair users. We have the whole set and DS loves them

Wasn't rude in your opinion. I believe and always will believe its rude to ask a stranger a personal question. I didn't change my story. I went back to correct something and ended up missing bits but nit pick away lovely.

Your daughter sounds very sweet and I can understand that it's difficult to know when it's ok for even a child to ask a stranger personal questions. The wheel chair users on this thread seem to be ok with it but some other people might not be. After all no one has an obligation to present themselves as a learning opportunity or to share private information even with a child.

I don't think you were wrong for apologising or for asking if it's ok for your dd to ask some questions (though even that question might already be seen as intrusive).

My DD asked me yesterday why someone was using a disabled bay when she could see them walking and I explained to her the whole thing about how some disabilities (or their extent) aren't visible and that the person concerned and their doctors would know better if they need a blue badge or not than us. She was fine with that but I think if she had asked that person herself they might have felt rude.

Op, those people were incredibly rude and disrespectful especially the first two. I'm sorry you have to deal with that.

OP I'm sorry you have to deal with such appalling behaviour

1 - offensive & ignorant. Idve sent them off with a BIG flea in their ear. Hiw dare they talk across you, how dare they seek to interrupting your time with a friend to meet their need for validation & how dare they inflict their religious beliefs & practices on you, a stranger to them.

2 - thoughtless, ignorant & rude. "My health is none of your business" why doesn't she drive to the shops? Or order online? You don't ask because it's none of your business.

3 - the brass neck! Obviously intrusive & none of her business. No you can't ask random people personal questions, no I'm not answering a question you excuse in advance of asking & why are you interrupting our conversation? Why do you think your rude & intrusive question is more important than our time together chatting?

@DifficultBloodyWoman I recommend the book "What happened to you?" which has some suggestions and was also really great for my small children.