to be grumpy with strangers asking questions

[toddlertamer20]

Hi,
Sorry another 'wheelchair' post here. I honestly don't know if this is just me being over sensitive and grumpy (and made worse by this heat) or if people are just plain rude.
I am a wheelchair user. I mainly use an electric wheelchair (not a mobility scooter) or sometimes a manual one. I get a lot of children staring at my wheelchair and some ask questions - that is absolutlet fine, I answer them happily.
But then I get adults who IMO are just being rude and nosey and it's starting to irritate me so much. These are a few examples:

1. someone was looking over at me over and over again while I was having a coffee with my sister in Costa. He eventually gets up and comes to our table and says to my sister 'can I pray for her?'. Where I get that the thought was there, it annoyed me that he interrupted our conversation and also didn't speak to me....but spoke to my sister instead as she is able bodied.
2. Woman on the bus had several shopping bags and a shopping trolley and squeezed them all into the wheelchair space and the trolley rammed into my legs. I flinched. She seemed very shocked and apologised straight away, but then said 'Oh! you can feel your legs? why aren't you walking then?'...
3. I was with a friend I hadn't seen in ages, we were walking/wheeling along slowly, deep in conversation. A woman is walking in the opposite direction to us and passes us on the pavement. As she does she kind of hesitates and turns back and says 'excuse me' To be honest I thought she was going to ask us directions. But no. she comes out with 'Can I ask you a very a very personal question?' At this point I knew what was coming so I just carried on slowly wheeling forward. My friend hadn't realised and said 'ok what?' and she then says 'why is she in the wheelchair and how long has she been in it for?'. My friend was obviously taken aback by this....and king of stuttered and said that would be up to me. I just kind or called backwards ' sorry I have to get somewhere I'm late'.

I feel irritated by people. I mean i am happy to talk to people, openly tell pepple why i am in my chair etc. but when i am having a private conversation or a meal or a coffee etc i find it just really rude and annoying that people think that because I look different, they can intterupt me.But now it's playing on my mind if maybe I am being too touchy. I know they are just curious/want to help and I am in general a friendly person. I suppose I struggle to find a reply that isn't rude. Other times, like I said, I'm more than happy to talk to people. I actually love children asking me questions as it means they will grow up knowing the answers. But am being unreasonable not wanting constant rude questions....should I just reply politely and get over myself?

@Mommyofvikings

what a sweet caring child. Why would you make her feel bad for asking that so caringly??

Wow there are some staggeringly rude people about. You are not being grumpy to be annoyed about these kind of questions at all.

I don't think you owe these idiots good manners, mind your own business is a perfectly reasonable response.

To the man asking if he can pray for you, "no you may not, please leave us alone".

I'm an electric wheelchair user, too OP. I'm actually an ambulant wheelchair user so I have some ability to walk still. THAT bamboozles people. Check out someone called Nina Tame on Instagram- she's fabulous.

I usually find telling rude adults that my reasons for using the wheelchair are mine and mine alone sufficient. If they are persisting then I find pointing out how rude they are being also a good one. Anyone who thinks it's acceptable to touch my chair is in danger of getting their toes squashed.

As for children who ask, it's almost always through genuine curiosity. I personally tell them that my legs don't work very well so my wheels help me to go places.

Sorry to hear you've had a lot of flak. Why is it that people assume that you're going to be happy to share private medical medical information with them.

How awful. Your post drives home the fact that one really can't imagine what life is like for another. I'm shocked that randoms ask you these questions but you're not. I'm sorry this happens to you.

My elderly mother was a wheelchair user.

When we were out and about together, when a stranger asked me stupid questions about mum and/or her wheelchair (and it did happen) I used to look them straight in the face and reply “I have no idea, why don’t you ask her yourself?”.

They usually scuttled off, suitably chastened.

This. She is 5 years old, and was not being rude, but had the empathy to ask if the lady was ok. Now would be a good time to educate her, not tell her off.

YANBU; all these people were being very rude!

Been reading Nina Tame on instagram - it blows my mind that adults aak these kind of dumb questions!

@ThursdayFreedom I didn't intentionally make her feel bad. I explained to her that she shouldn't just ask people questions. The lady she asked could've been offended. I told her to ask me first and I would try to explain to her incase she upset the lady or whoever next time.

I hugged her and told her not to be upset and she carried on with her day. You can't be too careful these days. I saw a child ask a man in the supermarket why he had sticks and the guy shouted at him. Why would I knowingly put my child in a situation where a stranger could shout at her for an innocent question? Surely that would upset her more?

I don't know why anyone would think I told her off? I never said that. I said I explained that it could be rude to ask people questions.

You guys are reaching.

Thank you!

Oh you get used to this very quickly. If anyone is with my I would say about 70 percent of people talk to the person I am with. It used to wind me right up but it happens so much I just ignore it now. It used to be a lot worse before I had my electric wheelchair. When I had someone pushing me...they would ALWAYS speak to the person pushing my chair.

Wow you are such a nice person . I couldn’t put up with people treating me like that ! I’m not sure what it is about wheelchairs that make people think you don’t have feelings . So horrible and not acceptable . Children are curious and maybe can be excused but adults …. They need to learn manners !!!!

I wouldn't tell her not to make comments, as questions from children are genuine curiosity as they have not seen it before. I would just explain age appropriately. I had a little girl who was about 4 asking her dad very loudly why I was in a Buggy. He was brilliant, he told her that some people have legs that don't work very well, so they have to sit in a chair with wheels a bit like a buggy. he explained it was called a wheelchair. She then pointed out that I had legs...why couldn't I walk. He again just told her that maybe they don't work very well but my ears still worked so maybe she should say hello to me. I loved that explanation as it felt like he was explaining to her that I was still human and just like her.

My young adult son spent a day in a wheelchair at a theme park after knee surgery and he was gobsmacked by the way he was treated - people only talking to his gf and asking her if he’d enjoyed the ride like he was a toddler.

I can’t imagine how you keep your cool OP and not just tell these ignorant twats to do one.

@Mommyofvikings

I was so embarrassed the other day when my 5 year old asked a lady if she was OK and if it hurts being in a wheelchair. Luckily the lady was lovely and just said sometimes sweetheart. I couldn't apologise more.

You were embarrassed & mortified. You couldn't apologise more - that's where posters are getting the impression of your negative response to your perfectly lovely 5 yo who is caring & sweet.

She didn't do anything wrong - as the woman concerned made clear. No need to make DD cry.

@toddlertamer20

These experiences are jaw-droppingly awful. You are to be commended for being calm so often in the face of this rudeness.

@EarringsandLipstick I didn't make her cry. She cried because the ladies legs didn't work. She said sorry for being rude (i still believe its rude to ask strangers personal questions). I was embarrassed and mortified she went up to a stranger and asked a question like that. I didn't expect it. Yes, I also apologised to the lady in the wheelchair. I would do it again if I had to.

Incase you are all missing it, I raised my gorgeous sweet girl to be the caring girl she is. I don't understand the attack on me for doing what I believed to be the right thing?

Had the lady been offended by my daughter and I didn't talk to her about it I'd be a bad parent.

So to clarify, she cried because she was sorry for the ladies legs not working NOT because I explained that sometimes some people don't like to be asked personal questions. Not because I explained to her that sometimes it's best to ask mommy first. Not ONE time did I "tell her off"

We had a chat about disabilities - I have MS and told her it's a bit like when I can't walk well and explained using my disability. We had a hug and she went outside and played with her toys. Hasn't mentioned it since. You're all acting like I've abused her for being inquisitive.

No doubt though, someone will pick this apart too. You can't win sometimes I guess. To the OP I was just saying that its understandable when kids ask but adults should know better. Hope what I said wasn't offensive to you.

YABU for being so polite in your title and post!!!

I must be terribly naive but I am genuinely shocked at the talking only to the other person examples. I didn't even know this was a thing that happens. Why??? Genuinely- do they associate wheelchair users with some sort of mental incompetence. It makes absolutely no sense!

I'm so sorry OP and other wheelchair users that you have to put up with this shit from able bodied people.

I agree that, aside from those who don't yet know any better, such as young children, it's rude to ask strangers personal questions without a very good reason for doing so (something more than idle curiosity).

YANBU to be irritated, OP! Your examples are shocking, and I must admit I'm surprised that so many people speak 'about' people in wheelchairs rather than to them, in their presence. While in some cases the person might not be able to speak for themselves, it's strange to automatically assume that to be true. Some people are sorely lacking in common sense. They may not be ill-intentioned, but dealing with that degree of ignorance everyday must sometimes be a strain.

Thank you!

YANBU, I have an autoimmune condition that is usually a hidden disability but when I suffered with weakness in my legs during a relapse and had to use a wheelchair for a few weeks it was astounding to me the rudeness and ignorance of some people

Oh no! The religious ones are especially awful.
I once had a woman tell her daughter in front of me, that God made a little mistake when 'He' made my baby (facial difference). And some faiths/cultures consider it divine punishment to have a different body.

I'd be tempted to tell anyone who asked that I was in a wheelchair because I was too lazy to walk or because I need it to claim benefits. Fuck em.

I've explained to her that it's rude to ask people questions like that and she cried

yep, sounds like you explained that really well.

I suspect every different disability gets different sets of standard bad behaviour from other people. I'm deaf, which is invisible so people don't realise until I don't answer them and not always then. The most extreme times were when I was sworn at and slapped for 'ignoring' someone I hadn't heard and when someone came up behind me and shoved me out of her way because I veered into her path. I don't walk very evenly because my balance is bad (related to the deafness) and hadn't heard her walking behind me.

The most common is I tell people who've stopped me in the street to ask directions that I'm deaf and ask them to repeat what they've said and get 'Oh, never mind!' Well if you can't be bothered to repeat something once, don't fucking ask in the first place.

HOWEVER, I really don't mind when children ask me things, and sometimes they have lots and lots of questions. Their parents get embarrassed but kids are just inquisitive and want to know what it's like being me. I don't mind that at all.