To ask how to handle this without a massive argument

[Verbena23]

I know my DH is being a t*t but how do I tell him to sort it out without causing more stress and arguments…

So DH has been signed off work for stress for the last month and is now doing a phased return. He talks about it all the time and I listen and try and support him in various ways. I always ask how his day has been and listen whilst he tells me how tired he is and how no one at work understands him etc…. 3 weeks ago my DM received a crushing diagnosis: given around 6months to a year to live and is becoming increasingly ill and disabled. I am devastated. DH never asks how I’m doing, how my day has been or how my mum is (I try and visit at least 3 times a week which is tricky with work and young kids). If he sees me upset he pretends not to notice. He’s always avoided visiting my family and he’s still doing it: usually says he is too tired and makes me feel bad about asking him to come. When we do visit together he’s rude - never asks how my mum is, barely talks to them. He’s always been like this but I really hoped he’d up his game given that she’s dying. Maybe IABU - a leopard can’t change its spots :(

I’m so sorry for your situation, this is hard on you. The fact you think it might cause an argument speaks volumes. Why are you putting up with this? You deserve support and love. Want to send you the biggest hug. I would just confront him about it, there’s no other way really

Sorry for the sad news and what your mums going through.

As for him, he sounds like a right arse. I don’t think he will change. He’s only interested in himself, his feelings and other peoples sympathy for him. It’s all about him. Could be because he’s on the spectrum and doesn’t understand what’s expected in certain circumstances instances - however most people push themselves to learn how to behave. So should he.

He’s not interested in your feelings or anyone else’s. You can’t make him actually care if he doesn’t.

Is he good to you in other ways? Does he bring anything positive to your life? Is he a keeper?

What a selfish prick.

Just be honest with him. “I’m so supportive with you and you never ask about me and my feelings and experiences. I need you to start asking me and start caring.”

Well as this is AIBU I will say YABU.
Yhe only thing you can do is tell him what you have said above in a level headed way and give him the chance to change. I doubt he will though.

Honestly you will burn yourself into the ground trying to support his mental health whilst receiving no support for your own mental health.

It sounds like you need to focus on yourself at the minute so you can support your mother in a way you can live with after her passing.

If he needs more support for his mental health, perhaps he can seek counselling.

For you, do you have friends or others who you could reach out to for support since you can't rely on him? Or a support group for families?

I'm sorry you're going through this. Please please protect your mental health as a priority.

I'm so sorry op 💐

I was in a relationship where I had to constantly think how to avoid arguments, even when I was going through stuff I was always worrying in case it upset him, he was selfish, thoughtless and rude too.

Turns out it was actually abusive and WA helped me leave. I didn't realise how bad it was until I was out of it.

You shouldn't always feel like you're walking in eggshells, especially at the moment.

I would seek support from WA, even do the freedom programme online if you're not ready to take that step it's pretty eye opening.

You don't want to be spending this time worrying about some fucking selfish prick who isn't worrying about you at all. You need to surround yourself with good people who will support you.

Sorry Op, not helpful I know but I read your thread and was bloody annoyed straight away. He wants you to listen to his troubles and be sympathetic (over nothing much really) but can't be kind when your DP is dying? I so want to kick his arse for you, nasty unkind man

@44PumpLane yes, friends have been great and work has been really supportive - I think what highlighted the problem for me was when a colleague gave me a hug because I was upset and I realised my husband hadn’t actually done that at all.

he is having CBT but I think it is just targeted at work stress.

I have suggested marriage counselling and he is open to that - he knows we have problems in our marriage and prior to mum getting ill I had told him how frustrated I get at him not considering the impact of his behaviour on me and children but this latest stuff with my mum is a new low. I’m so disappointed in him I don’t know how to even start talking to him about it.

He sounds very self absorbed and generally not very thoughtful or kind given what you’re going through. I think he knows he’s a dickhead the way he doesn’t want to visit your mum as he knows he’s not a good person. So sad for you re your mum I hope you’ve got some lovely friends to talk to and I would brave the argument as he’s being awful, he’s supposed to love you.

Someone once told me “you cannot expect YOU from other people” and I think that applies here. You’ve been amazing. You’ve also been an example he could follow, if he had the compassion and desire to think “hmm she really supported me, and that made me feel cared for, how can I be better?”
but he didn’t, and he hasn’t.

I think the one thing you can do in order to be a reasonable communicator is to express ONCE- just once - what you need.
“it would have me feel so cared for and supported if you would consider saying/ asking X, Y, Z.”

but it can tend to become yet another mental load chore If you wind up having to make charts and hang reminders for him to consider your well being.

it’s all exhausting, and I really feel for you, OP. 💐💐

I’d have to tell him straight up.
Yeah, he’s having work stress (been there, got the t-shirt) but you’re having a very different kind of stress (also been there and had that fucking t-shirt, so I’m sorry for what you’re going through Op). But it’s not acceptable for him to be so selfish, and fucking rude.
YANBU at all.

I think I agree. It wouldn't feel sincere if you had to remind him to show an interest.

Say it once. Maybe by text on a day you know you won't see him for 12 hours. Give him time to reflect. Then leave the ball in his court.

In time, I think you'll probably reassess your marriage, for what you get out of it. But now probably isn't the time. You need all your energy to look after your mum and take care of yourself.

I'm so sorry you're going through this without the support of someone you should feel able to lean on.

Quite a few posters have touched on something that I’ve been thinking for a while: you can’t make someone care if they don’t. So what’s the point in causing an argument if I can’t change that fundamental fact.
what’s annoying is if the tables were turned and it was his mum I’d be so upset for her.

He’s always been like this

Then why on earth have you wasted so many years of your life with him?

He's a selfish, self-absorbed, malignant narcissist. Get fucking rid of him.

Trying to support someone with mental health is so draining, I live this hellish life also and i am rarely asked if I am ok or how I am doing. I have no advice for you, but know how you feel and I am sorry to hear about your mother x

@Aquamarine1029 yup. More fool me. Not sure I’m strong enough / have enough time to deal with separating at the moment but it is increasingly creeping up my to do list.

I think there are some really good insights on here already. I'm definitely going to remember the one 'you can't expect you from others'!

But and I think this is significant for me.... When you talk about somone not caring and can you make them care, do you want to spend your life with such a selfish self involved arse?

I can't imagine my partner or me getting news like that and not check in on each other or like give a shit. That's just such a low bar for a partner.

Also so sorry about your mum's diagnosis.

He sounds like he doesn't grasp empathy. You're being both supportive and empathetic towards him. He deflects when you're looking for the same from him. He either is desperately shallow or can't empathise.

From what you’ve said it does sound like he’s always been a selfish prick. I know MH issues can change people and make them extremely self-obsessed - a formerly caring and compassionate family member of mine changed into someone who would dominate every conversation about their depression and wasn’t able to consider anybody else - but this was a huge change from who they’d been before and it was very clear that the depression and then medication had changed their personality temporarily. Is your H likely to change or is this who you’re stuck with?

Stop asking how his day is, and stop trying to get him to engage with you, he obviously wont

Focus on you and helping your mum and looking after your kids, leave him to sort himself out

and if that means you go to your mums for an evening then go, leave the kids with him and let him cope

i would also start looking at separating, it’s not going to get better ,

I'm sorry about your mum 💐

I've been through similar with my husband. He's struggled with his mental health for a few years. Throughout it all I've been supportive and taken on far more of the responsibilities of being a parent and generally making sure we live in a decent environment with decent food.

We came out of lockdown to the news that my dad had MND so I spent most of 2020, all of 2021 and most of 2022 helping to care for him, on top of working full time and taking care of the children. He didn't step up once, or offer emotional/physical support. He didn't even stand next to me at the funeral.

I appreciate that everyone has their own problems, but there wasn't an ounce of care/concern/help for me through what is easily the worst thing I've ever had to endure...but I was still expected to support his emotional needs.

Honestly, a year on I'm a fucking mess. I have massive anxiety attacks and am struggling to keep my head above water in work. He could have made a difference, but chose not to even try. I'm not sure I can ever forgive him.

At the moment I'm hanging on because the eldest is at an important time of her education and I cannot afford to live in this area on my wages alone, so I'm putting on my mask and pretending everything is OK for my children. I can't wait to escape. Sadly the youngest will have to deal with leaving her school and friends behind because I can't do this for another 8 years. She'll have time to adjust before big exams though.

Don't accept anything less than what you deserve unless you have no choice. I'm sure being alone and going through what I went through would have been better than going through it with a spouse that didn't care. There's nothing that feels worse than feeling alone when you're laying next to someone who is meant to love you.

Wishing you all the strength and best wishes for your mum to have a dignified and comfortable time with you.

Christ men are bastards (namalt obv)

He’s draining you OP. Is he worth the agro? Your feelings matter too!

I had one like this. Started off okay but gradually everything was like Top Trumps. If I had a cold, he had flu. If I had stomach ache he had it and felt sick too (sometimes when it was period pains!). His Mum’s stroke trumped my Dad’s cancer…It’s draining. I could never do anything right and yet he’d say that if I criticised him! We split in the end. I just couldn’t do it any more. When he announced he’d met someone else, I genuinely thought Oh good, he has someone else to moan to now instead of me!
Think very carefully about your future. Yes, having MH issues is exhausting and draining but he only sounds like he only cares about himself.
I’m sorry about your Mum 💐 hope you can make the most of the time you have left together.

What happens if you start telling him how you are feeling?
I say to mine, look I just need you to listen and see how I'm feeling. I also find useful to text him my feelings and get it off my chest. I have friend who is a rock and tbh she is my go to for appropriate responses to emotional issues