To ask how to handle this without a massive argument

[Verbena23]

I know my DH is being a t*t but how do I tell him to sort it out without causing more stress and arguments…

So DH has been signed off work for stress for the last month and is now doing a phased return. He talks about it all the time and I listen and try and support him in various ways. I always ask how his day has been and listen whilst he tells me how tired he is and how no one at work understands him etc…. 3 weeks ago my DM received a crushing diagnosis: given around 6months to a year to live and is becoming increasingly ill and disabled. I am devastated. DH never asks how I’m doing, how my day has been or how my mum is (I try and visit at least 3 times a week which is tricky with work and young kids). If he sees me upset he pretends not to notice. He’s always avoided visiting my family and he’s still doing it: usually says he is too tired and makes me feel bad about asking him to come. When we do visit together he’s rude - never asks how my mum is, barely talks to them. He’s always been like this but I really hoped he’d up his game given that she’s dying. Maybe IABU - a leopard can’t change its spots :(

I'm going to hazard a guess that you and he don't really socialize with your friends as a couple,your friends find him rude,he's abit of a loner and he doesn't make an effort with you and the kids in regards to days out etc

My advice would be to forget everything related to your husband at the moment, and concentrate all your energy into making sure you spend time with your mum and take care of her if needs be.

don’t let him drain you emotionally during what is already an incredibly draining time, just be the best person you can be for your mum and kids and ignore him completely if you have to. You can’t be everything for everyone at a time like this so pick your priorities carefully.

I lost my mum quite quickly after her diagnosis and I felt I did everything I could to make her life nicer/easier at the end, while my DH did the same for me, that’s how it should be. he sounds horribly selfish.

my heart goes out to you OP.

@LittleLegsKeepGoing im so sorry to read your post - DM diagnosis is MND so it really resonated with me. I hope that you are able to see a way forward for you and the kids: sending lots of love.

@Duckingella yup - that describes us perfectly. 🙁

@Verbena23 I'm so sorry your DM has MND too. It's an evil thing that no one deserves. Thank you for the kind wishes for us, sending lots of love to you and your DM too

Just a few practical things:

1. Don't delay with any options for help/assistance because the wait times are awful. If it's offered, say yes. This goes for equipment, in person-support, adaptations...anything really.
2. If your DM has bulbar progression then speech and swallowing will soon be impossible. Getting a feeding tube sorted when she's still strong enough to endure the operation is incredibly important if she wants to fight back and get the speech team to provide communication assistive devices. Both of these things made a huge difference to dad's quality of life.
3. Doctors really don't like regularly prescribing steroids to help with breathing (honestly if I heard 'long term effects' once more I was going to be arrested!). If your DM needs the steroids you'll have to argue for them.
4. Panic attacks became a regular feature for dad towards the end, oddly this was something they were happy to throw drugs at so there is more support there
5. Dad's care needs were classed as medical, so whilst we didn't qualify for support with paying for carers he did qualify for assistance from the district nursing team for his feeds and medication (once on the tube). We wouldn't have been able to keep him home without their help...but stupidly the council would have had to pay for his entire care bill if he'd gone to a home. Makes no sense!
6. MNDA have tonnes of useful information on their website and they have local people in each area that can offer you advice

Please just focus on you, your DM and your children - lean on anyone who offers to help, even if it's just the offer of a cooked meal for you and the kids. It all helps. Your husband should be helping, but if he's not then he doesn't get to benefit from any of your emotional or physical energy. Take care