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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum calling me fat on birthday

42 replies

Ladybug85789 · 24/06/2023 14:44

It is my birthday today mum has come around and asked me if I want a cake baking. It’s my 39th birthday I said no then she proceeded to say you really should lose weight this year she always criticises me
about my weight every time I see her which is every week really for the children’s sake. I do love her and she does a lot for me but even on my birthday! For reference I am a size 14 and 5ft 4 so I am overweight. I do have young children so I’m not always able to fit excercise in like I could pre children. I was a size 10 before children. She’s around a 14-16 herself but she’s 5ft 6 so looks better than me and my weight holds around the stomach. I do want to lose weight it’s just upsetting that she’s had to bring it up on my birthday aswell.

OP posts:
Topseyt123 · 24/06/2023 14:48

I'd pull her up on that every time and let her know how much it hurts.

I would be very happy if I could ever get back down to your size again. I'm sure you look fine.

Tinkerbyebye · 24/06/2023 14:50

Just tell her each and every time, you are being rude and I am leaving/ please leave immediately and do just that

mbosnz · 24/06/2023 14:50

That sucks. I'm so sorry your Mum was so negative and critical to you on your birthday.

I bet she'd blow a gasket if you told her she could afford to lose a few pounds herself - particularly on her birthday!

I've got to the point (it took 50 years), where I won't take rude comments like that from anyone - and that includes my mother. She might think she has the right to say what she likes to me - I disagree, and will tell her that she is being rude and inappropriate. If you wouldn't say it to a stranger or a friend, why would you say it to someone you purport to love? (And I really don't buy that 'it's coming from a place of love and concern crap'.)

Summerhillsquare · 24/06/2023 14:50

I'd be eating a big slice of cake, pointedly, in front of her. But then I don't care what my mother thinks!

Bivarb · 24/06/2023 14:52

Do you want to lose weight OP? If so I'd suggest you both diet together. I couldn't stop myself from putting a dig about her weight.

Maybe something like,
tinkly laugh "well that's a bit pot calling the kettle black isn't it?" and point to her stomach. "I guess us fatties could lose a few pounds eh? Shall we try Slimming World?"

Or you could tell her not to mention your weight again.

Stompythedinosaur · 24/06/2023 14:55

I think I'd suggest she really need to work on her manners this year.

Poppasocks · 24/06/2023 14:56

Tell her you must take after her!

DelphiniumBlue · 24/06/2023 14:57

"Mum, do you realise how upsetting it is for you to keep mentioning my weight, especially so on my birthday, and in the same breath as offering to bake a cake? Please don't call me fat again."

Amuseaboosh · 24/06/2023 15:00

My response would be:

'You could really do with learning not to be so critical, rude, hurtful, and unkind. But we can't have it all, can we.'

Only do what works for you, OP. You know what's best for you ubder your circumstances. You don't have to justify anything to anyone! And don't think it's ok for your mum to say these things to you because she 'does' a lot for you. She has no right.

AtrociousCircumstance · 24/06/2023 15:02

Every time she says anything, say ‘and the advice goes for you too mum, because you’ve been overweight for years.’

If she wants to bring it up then she can deal with it herself.

NB I don’t think anyone should be weight shamed but she needs to be made personally aware of the impact of her words.

mbosnz · 24/06/2023 15:04

I had a bit of an epiphany last year, when Mum told me she'd been size 12 all my life. So, when I was size 6-8, and she was size 12 - she was STILL bloody fat shaming me!

xogossipgirlxo · 24/06/2023 15:25

AtrociousCircumstance · 24/06/2023 15:02

Every time she says anything, say ‘and the advice goes for you too mum, because you’ve been overweight for years.’

If she wants to bring it up then she can deal with it herself.

NB I don’t think anyone should be weight shamed but she needs to be made personally aware of the impact of her words.

This. My mum was trying to be funny once when I was eating a biscuit (it was same day I bought wedding dress). She said "be careful, otherwise you might need to tailor this dress". I said she should watch her diet and she was so outraged she locked herself in her bedroom for 2 hours 😂Lesson learned (I hope).

Happy Birthday, OP 🤗

Sesimbra · 24/06/2023 15:29

What do you mean when you say you see her for the childrens sake?

If she is rude and deliberately upsets you, there's no need for her to see your DC so often is there?

I would distance myself as much as possible. Let her find someone else to pick on.

Mariposista · 24/06/2023 15:36

Bivarb · 24/06/2023 14:52

Do you want to lose weight OP? If so I'd suggest you both diet together. I couldn't stop myself from putting a dig about her weight.

Maybe something like,
tinkly laugh "well that's a bit pot calling the kettle black isn't it?" and point to her stomach. "I guess us fatties could lose a few pounds eh? Shall we try Slimming World?"

Or you could tell her not to mention your weight again.

This is a good idea.

pikkumyy77 · 24/06/2023 15:40

You still have young children and are recovering from pregnancy—what’s her excuse 20+ years on from her last pregnancy? Pull her up on it every time—its no worse on your birthday than any other day but its always rude and cruel.

Original poster
Ladybug85789 · 24/06/2023 16:06

Thing is I got dressed up as in a dress that made me feel I didn’t look so big and she was like oh you have become so huge back front everywhere. Anyway I will just focus to lose weight she’s always been really critical. Thanks for all the replies.xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Ladybug85789 · 24/06/2023 16:13

Also she’s Asian and I feel in her country where she is from it’s illegal to be overweight Lol

OP posts:
Sumthingsweet · 24/06/2023 16:26

That’s a bit mean which country is she from ? Mums do have a habit of analyzing everything . Mine sits in front of me and just stares and asks what happened here what’s that mark you use to have nice skin etc she also asks me how much I get paid and what my mortgage is - how much have I got left … what I’m cooking today etc I do find it really frustrating but I think she’s trying to form a mental pic of what my life is like lol and she wants every detail !!

Whichwhatnow · 24/06/2023 16:29

You have my sympathies OP. At my brother's recent wedding I made a real effort, got really nicely dressed up in a flattering (or so I thought!) dress, hair, make up etc (none of which I ever bother with really). As we were going into the Registry Office my mum looked at me and said something along the lines of 'wow, you've got SO BIG! You must be the biggest you've ever been!!!' Made me feel fabulous going in to the wedding with all SIL's glamorous friends and posing for photos etc.

Yeah thanks mum. It's not like I don't see you every week so you know exactly what size I am! I was only a size 12 too (and like your mum mine is about the same size!)

avocadotofu · 24/06/2023 16:32

First of all happy birthday! Secondly, your mum sounds mean and I think you should ask her to stop. My mom is very similar and it has such a negative impact on my self esteem. Calling her out on her behaviour has really helped and she doesn't do it as much anymore.

Amuseaboosh · 24/06/2023 16:32

Ladybug85789 · 24/06/2023 16:13

Also she’s Asian and I feel in her country where she is from it’s illegal to be overweight Lol

That adds A LOT of context. Fellow Asian here. You absolutely need to stand up for yourself. In her head, she's being helpful. Set her straight!

And love your body, it's achieved marvellous things.

RabbitsRock · 24/06/2023 16:32

Size 14 at your height is more than fine OP!

StarchySturgess1 · 24/06/2023 16:35

"Oh fuck off mum". Then change the subject.

Merryoldgoat · 24/06/2023 16:37

Your weight is irrelevant.

She is nasty and I would tell her I’m done with her until she stops being nasty.

Back21970 · 24/06/2023 16:40

My late mother was like this my whole life, I’ve never been bigger than a size 14.

If I responded apparently I was ‘too sensitive’

Be interesting to see her reaction if you jokingly commented on her weight as per some of the suggestions above 😂