Single mum and finances, what would you risk here?

[whattodopp]

I don’t know what to do. Our child’s father works for the nhs in a relatively stable role and high salary. We are not on good terms but he obviously pays maintenance. I am thinking of going back to work part time so I can spend more time with dc. This would bring my salary down to 45k working three days a week, with maintenance of around 700 currently. I worry about relying on the maintenance given how terrible the system is and he has no obligation to pay if out of work, though I sense he would never give up his job (far too much of an ego for that!).

My current salary is much higher than 45k when I work 5 days and I wonder if I’m being reckless going down to three days when I am a single mum? Ds is only 13 months so I am new to this. I’m 33 if that is relevant. I wouldn’t want to do four days as you end up doing five in the industry I am in, but just not getting paid for it! So it’s 5 days or 3…

@jeaux90 he’s not a surgeon but could definitely move abroad. Which countries do have reciprocal arrangements?

@Pigsears no hate for it, just hate that he has abandoned his child. And I should be able to ‘rely’ on child maintenance given our child is as much his as mine, but that’s a whole other topic!

@BackT a what? I’m not boasting anything! My mortgage is 1k a month if that makes you feel any better

assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/947297/remo-countries-list.pdf

These do but when I looked into it in terms of legal fees it was going to cost a lot so decided to forge ahead with my career instead..

My decision paid off.

@jeaux90 thanks. Did this happen to
you? It’s a shame my ex can’t just be a decent human being but it seems beyond him so who knows what he is capable of next!

@jeaux90 it does seem like a lot do though which is good I suppose

I'm a single parent (by choice, no maintenance) of two and earn around that, in London. We do all right although I have more debt than I'd like, but I could also be more frugal than I am, so 🤷🏼‍♀️ (my shared ownership housing costs total £1500/mth, for context).

I can't afford to go part-time, but even still I haven't managed a promotion since my second mat leave 5 years ago! There have been major bottlenecks in my industry which is the main reason, but also my focus just hasn't been there.

I think I'd prefer 3 days in your position, although appreciate it depends on what the impact on your career and future earnings would be.

@whattodopp yes it did, he was in a country with a reciprocal agreement but it was the legal costs etc that put me off. I instead I legally went for a court order of residency and name change etc so that travel was easier.

I pushed on through the toddler years of my career and it definitely paid off but I was really in a different situation. My ex was extremely unreliable so definitely didn't want to account for anything he may (or mainly did not) provide. I wanted to focus on the financial independence, pension etc

@jeaux90 is he in the nhs then? I must be naive as I really didn’t think someone with a decent job like that would just leave their kids and go abroad. I think I’m going to plan for the absolute worst and see if I can manage on the 45k. I’d like to spend more time with my dc if it’s at all possible. I would hope I could increase hours again the future…

So you want to reduce your work hours but want him to keep working full-time so you can enjoy your children. He is not married to you anymore, he is free to reduce his hours, go back to university, get ill, take a career break, etc.

I knew you would pop up! 😂

OP isn’t asking for anything extra. It is her that will be on a reduced income and pension. Her that makes the sacrafice to spend more time with her child.

if he wants to do the same, then yes - her maintenance will fall. It’s a risk some of us take, but worth it

I think you are stalking me.

But they don't want the fathers to have more time with their children.

Forgive me - but where does the OP say or even remotely allude to that

This!

I don’t think I have ever come across a more hypocritical poster than @taxpayer1

you posted this on another thread

mI am reorganising my life to work as few hours as possible and get as much UC as I am entitled. I have sold my house ( I had negative equity anyways). I have moved to a rented flat in a nice leafy area in West London. I am requesting my employer to go 4 days a week first. Then to 3.

Sure rely on maintenance he pays... But should he also rely on you to remain in full time employment? And so it goes on....

I would not rely on his money to support a child I had with him- I wouldn't put myself knowingly into a position where I needed to rely financially on him- just because you have a child with him, doesn't mean you have to go down that path- sounds like you have a choice . It sounds like you have a well paid career. You can balance this and be a single mum. Of course I'd take the cash- but I wouldn't build my life around expecting it- because that gives him more control and power than he deserves.

The bit in your post where you describe him adding extra into pension as 'manipulative' makes you sound angry and bitter- which, if you believe he will do this and you have a choice to not be reliant on him, why take it? Do you want to be linked this way? Cause it sounds like you don't have to be.

You ask whether to do it..I wouldn't and haven't.

Very much this!
Such double standards

@whattodopp no he didn't work in the NHS and the situation was way more complicated anyway...but the point is I would never rely on the money given via maintenance, it's too out of my control.

I get you want to spend more time with your Dc but sometimes it's not financially sensible to go part time. It definitely wasn't for me. The last 6 years of my career have been game changing in terms of earnings, potential and position and I never would have got there part time.

the loading of pension contributions benefits no one but him

the reduction in OP’s working days benefits not only her but also their child

OP

Work out your finances without his contribution. If you can make that doable then drop to part time.

In context. I couldn't afford to drop to part time when I was a single mum on £32k a year (rent was £540pm)

But since I've moved in with my partner I have dropped. My children are older but it makes such a better work life balance.. and if needed I can pick up overtime

There is no need for all the hate, Mumsnet is a big place and we all come from different walks of life. A £45k salary in a more expensive part of the country won't stretch that far!

£1k a month in housing costs isn't much! You'd struggle to find a 2-bed flat to rent for that in my part of the SE, but you mention it as though it's loads.

It’s 1400-2200 for a two bed where I live . Average seems to be 1800. Crazy !

I think that it plays to the stigma and stereotype of being in receipt of maintenance when you have women like you OP who use the money specifically to go part time ....which is a luxury many can't afford

@taxpayer1 the ideal situation would be no maintenance and 50/50 care of dc. He’s opted out of that suggestion though, which leaves us where we are now.