I am being a shit mum and it’s getting worse, don’t know what to do

[unjkel]

My partner left me when he found I was pregnant. This was despite having planned dc together for over two years. I have brought ds up entirely alone. He is 8 months now and I’ve literally never been apart from him. I’ve had my hair done etc now and then but he’s always been with me. I have supportive family but nobody who could physically look after ds.

For the first few months I have managed. However now he seems bored constantly. He’s much happier when we are around other people, he won’t sit for long playing now like he used to. He cries after fifteen mins and I know it’s because I’m not being entertaining or engaging. The worst part is I am exhausted, not physically but mentally. I struggle so much to entertain him and I feel awful because if I was with his father I would be refreshed wouldn’t I? I would be a better mum?

We’ve been up since six and he’s bored already. I don’t know how to face another day. I go to baby groups etc in the week and I see friends but at weekends I’m usually alone as people are with families. I start feeling irritated with ds as I haven’t had a moment, literally, to myself since he was born and how awful is that? It’s not his fault. I go back to work in October, it’s fixed for then as I agreed it last month and to be honest going back earlier wouldn’t help as then I’m faced with a hugely demanding job and this situation too. Feel so crap today.

I think it’s really hard keeping children entertained at home regardless of the wider family set up. My go to was messy play. Pop him on the kitchen floor with a pile of cooker spaghetti, cereal, sand or water in different tubs with various scoopers. Take him to all the playgroups, for walks, pop CBeebies on. It’s really exhausting entertaining when their attention span is so short, don’t feel bad.

Lone parent too since DD14 was 1.

The early years are the hardest, they are isolating. It gets easier, especially as they start talking etc.

I was also working full time so I prioritised sleep, I co slept until she was approaching primary school years. Would often go to bed at the same time, but sometimes just have a bath etc when she went down.

Going back to work was good for me, I got my identity back.

Weekends were hard, I used to just get us both up and out, park to feed the ducks or mall or anything really.

My DS was very clingy and whiny at that age. It's really tough.

Fresh air helps. Get them in the pram and walk for miles!

Yeah it is a difficult age for sure! I would pop him in a pram (not facing you) and go for long walks at weekends so he gets see lots of stuff.

Can your family not watch him at all?
dont you see them at the weekend?

aside from baby groups do you go out- I loved soft play at that age, walks,
even shopping- just get out and let your child see the world.

Could you pay a babysitter for half of Saturday? Go to bed, get out to see friends, whatever you need? This sounds horrendous, I'm so sorry your ex is a piece of shit. Does he ever see his child? You're absolutely not a shit mum x

It's exhausting at this age and honestly, it sounds like you're doing a great job.
Take advantage of the nicer weather and if you have a garden, try sitting out there and having some messy play time (tray of water or sand).
You don't need to be constantly entertaining him, it's fine for him to entertain himself a little at this age while you're supervising and getting on with something else. I often popped mine into the jumperoo which they loved.
X

Are there any gyms that offer creches near you?

Would he nap in the pram if you went out for a walk allowing you to have a coffee in peace somewhere on the way?

Don't assume that if you had stayed in the relationship things would be any better. You don't have to spend long on mumsnet to come across exhausted mums who don't get a break despite still living with the father of their children.

What's the childcare plan for October?

Swimming was always good as it totally exhausts them as it uses all their senses. Mine would sleep for hours after! Swings at the park, soft play. You would be amazed how many single parents you will come across when you are out at these places at the weekend. A basin of foamy water in the garden with little toys in it, also outside a big sheet of paper and loads of watered down paint or messy play with lots of foods with different textures, all followed by a nice long bath time. Absolutely do get out to the park or somewhere so as feeling isolated and being trapped indoors is the worst.

You don’t need to entertain him. Yes you can play with him etc. but he doesn’t need entertaining all the time. Let him slot into your life as you want to live it. Go about your day with your child, doing your own thing. Even going to the supermarket will be ‘fun’ for him. It’s ok for him to entertain himself too.

are you able to hire a babysitter once in a while to give you some time to yourself?

oh and you are absolutely NOT a shit mum.

It's very hard having to do it all by yourself.
I did have support but what helped was:
Meeting up with other Mums of babies of a similar age
Getting out of the house - going to every local event, eg market, summer fair, boot sale. Obviously walks to woods/park but also library/local shops.. I don't know if you drive but leaving the car at home and walking seemed to entertain the baby better, and people would stop and chat.
Music and dancing - you can do that in the house.
I know realistically nothing is going to change the fact that it is all on you for 24/7, unless you can change your living conditions - eg if you have a big enough home, get a lodger.. it will still be all on you but at least you'd have company. Can you stay with family for a few days here and there? Even having someone to entertain the baby for 5 minutes while you wash your hair can be a help. Could you afford to send him to a nursery/childminder for a few sessions a week?

Thanks for the posts. I feel terrible leaving him a nursery once a week, it feels too young. I think I would definitely feel better if I had a couple of days to myself a week, just to feel I had some life of my own again. I know that sounds awful. I worry about returning to work too in case I can’t cope and feel even more trapped but maybe it will have its up sides too.

I would say either book some childcare to give yourself a break if you can afford it or if not go back to work sooner. Could you then book enough childcare so you could work part time and have a break? Honestly you’ll be much happier and your little one will be happy in a good nursery and probably better starting now than autumn when all the nasty bugs abounding (although he’ll probably still get quite sick for first 2-3 months but hopefully not as much ) When your just at home weekends with him you’ll probably find you enjoy them a lot more and he probably won’t get so bored with all the stimulation he’s had at nursery all week

YOU'RE NOT A SHIT MUM!!!!

You are completely normal for finding this stage hard and isolating. Does he go to nursery once a week? Or do you mean you don't want to put him in there because you feel bad? Please don't feel bad, he will get used to it and love being around the other kids. And it will get him used to being away from you (and you him) ready for going back to work.

You aren't a shit mum, at all! And if it helps, if the dad was useless enough to leave when he found out you were pregnant then he certainly wouldn't be any support now and things wouldn't feel easier, in fact having to deal with an unsupportive partner and a baby is twice as exhausting.
You sound burnt out and fed up and both are completely understandable. I brought mine up alone aged 4 and less than a year and their youngest years were the hardest.
Nursery is a good thing so don't feel bad about it at all. What you need is a proper break.

do you have Home Start near you? They send volunteers out for weekly visits to families with children under 5 and you can self refer. It wouldn’t be at the weekend but would just give you that little bit of extra support that it sounds like you could do with

Also, can you see if the odd friend would meet up occasionally at the weekends? I get hat it’s ‘family time’ for some people but I’d have hated to think of a friend struggling and would happily have them over/meet up if they said they were finding things tough

Pps you mention supportive family. Is there really no one who could take DC off in the buggy for an hour to the park? Just being alone is so restorative!

You are doing a really good job. It's a really hard job entertaining them.

As a priority I would up his nursery to two days a week if you possibly can. If he needs more stimulation, then he's the right age for it, and it gives you some time out which you really need.

Right! I am sad to read this because there’s some things you need to know!

1. You are bloody AMAZING, you have raised a baby for 8 months ALONE! It is fucking hard doing this on mat leave when you have a supportive partner never mind alone. You have recovered from birth, the newborn phase and all those months, you’re brilliant!!!!!
2. Its ok to feel his way, we have all fell despair, like we’re not good enough or doing enough, it does get easier and you get more confidence in what you’re doing and you start to think, you know what I am good at this mum stuff!! I sometimes wish I could do the first year again with the mindset I have now.

Can you try getting out in the mornings for a walk? I used to do that with DS a lot at this age on mat leave, it was good for me and him. I also took bus rides to local towns and train rides. I used to feel trapped in doors and when we were out and about I would talk to DS about the world and what was going on, I’d even talk to him about my shopping like a looney.

You could leave the car at home if you drive so the day takes longer and you can interact with your baby more.

You don’t sound like a shit mum at all, the only thing you are not doing is cutting yourself some slack.

Your baby is not too young to spend a little time being looked after by professionals who will care for all his needs whilst you care for yours. Although your baby is your first priority, part of that is looking after yourself in order to be able to look after him. You definitely need a break and to do something for yourself. Without guilt for doing so ( this is hard!)

babies at this age are very difficult, it isn’t you.

can you ask any friends for help? Asking for help isn’t a weakness. X

I also did lone parenting from birth to 5 years old. I ended up moving nearer my family for 2 years (when he was 1) as I'd not had a break at all except for when I went swimming and he was in the crèche for an hour.
You need to create the illusion of free time
Put headphones in when walking with buggy
Do something nice for yourself when they are asleep not just chores
Call friends to connect with the adult world, invite them round or to a pub lunch or something.
The good news is it gets better

You sound like the exact opposite of a shit mum

I’m a SP but mine were older when I became a SP (5 and 8) and I can vouch for the fact that weekends were more isolating. It’s ‘family time’ and everywhere you go with dc, you felt surrounded by perfect families. Of course, none of them were actually perfect, each had their own issues and I used to remind myself that I had my problems but one thing I did have was peace!

We were our own unit, our own rules, our own journey and I was the driver. For me, SPhood was better than being with a partner where evert ‘perfect family outing’ was seething with resentment and conflict.

I don’t know an exact answer to making your weekends feel less isolating but I do think finding other SP out there could be one. You just ‘get’ each other, and there will be people out there!

You’re not a shit mum OP. Going back to work will be the making of you, you’ll see. You will have routine, stimulation, adult company and the chance to use your brain, which will make you appreciate time with your son more. If all I had in my day was home and mind-numbing baby groups, I’d go insane too.