Tbh I haven’t read a word that suggests you’re a shit mum. What comes through is you’re right in the middle of one of the most demanding stages and under constant solo pressure. Agree with what a lot of people have said about how partners don’t necessarily make parenthood easier. Involved, keen ones do but they’re not always that (see ten million threads of proof on here).
This is more about how you feel than how you’re doing with your baby. He’s fine, everything you’ve said about him is standard 8m.o stuff, they’re adorable, mad curious and immobile and frustrating. It’s nice to get a chance to miss them 😜
It sounds like you really need some headspace. You’re not alone in how you feel, so many of us remember that phase with a sort of mix of nostalgia and horror…I remember having a sort of breakdown one day because the only way I could get a bit of quiet was to walk DD for about four miles in her buggy. She wouldn’t sleep if she wasn’t moving. That felt like a win, going out a long walk, looking back I was fit but totally zombiefied.
Then at 10mo she cracked the trick of standing up in the sodding buggy. I was trapped in the middle of a huge housing estate about two miles from home and she kept on doing it (she was so slim she could twist her way out of the straps no matter how tightly they were adjusted). She was thrilled with herself and looking back it was cute and funny, but I clearly remember sitting stranded and ugly-crying thinking ‘fuck this I can’t do it, I’m failing.’ PND but also stress, too much is too much.
I think everyone has a point about not being the entertainment committee. I found the baby days isolating after a demanding career and found it hard to talk to my babies the way I saw other mums doing, a constant running commentary of Mummyese. I’d never heard of ‘performance parenting’ and I didn’t realise some of that stuff is for the other mothers (dgmw, I know it’s important and some people are great at it, I’ve got friends who are the patron saints of oooh look at the ducky but it didn’t come easily to me. It does get more natural when they start to talk back, to be fair). Comparison is the thief of joy and all that, anyway, we don’t need all to be Mr Tumble, just be present, smile at them and keep talking whenever you can. Talk total shite if need be, argue with the adult people on talk radio, tell DS where they’re all going wrong 🤪 Getting a babysitter for a bit might be a thought, even an hour or two alone time in the same house wouldn’t hurt.
Solidarity 👊 be kind to yourself, recognise this is a tough job and give yourself well-earned praise. Xxx