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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Changed my mind about joint holiday

48 replies

Ohitsajollyholiday · 24/06/2023 00:24

Please help as I’m in a proper quandary.

For the last couple of years, have gone on summer holidays with my 2DC, BF and BFs 2 DC.

It has been lovely, the kids all get along well and we’ve had fun.

This year we didn’t book a holiday as I was made redundant and didn’t want to commit to the cost as didn’t know long it would take me to get a job.

My DB and DSIL invited us to go and visit them (they live in a coastal town three hours away), which I gladly took them up on as it gave me a chance to see them and Dniece as well as getting a break.

The invitation included BF and his DC, but as the time gets closer I am feeling more and more like I don’t want them to come.

I’ve been having a few doubts about BF’s commitment to the relationship anyway - won’t discuss our future, doesn’t include me in family things on his side, etc. plus I’ve been finding his younger DC hard work as when we’re all together, he constantly wants ME to help him / watch him do this / play with him / get this for him - it’s a LOT.

AIBU just to go on this visit with my DC? I feel awkward about involving BF with my wider family when he doesn’t do that with me and his family, plus I feel like I won’t get much of a break with his DS constantly demanding my attention.

I know I sound like a cow, and tbh BF is probably better off without me!

OP posts:
TeaKitten · 24/06/2023 00:30

Not sure why you are focusing on this holiday really, you should be focusing on ending the relationship. Holiday issue would resolve itself then atleast.

SomePeopleAreNice · 24/06/2023 00:31

Is the quandary really about the holiday or should it be about whether you break up with him?

With the holiday might it be an idea to make up an excuse for him not to come? Its not great lying but maybe in this case it would save a lot of upset.

Are his kids excited about the holiday? I might find it hard to disappoint them.

Olderandolder · 24/06/2023 00:34

His DS may be clingy because he senses the end and wants to stay with you?

Clymene · 24/06/2023 00:35

Of course he doesn't need to come. Was he expecting to come? Does he know about it?

Original poster
Ohitsajollyholiday · 24/06/2023 00:36

@TeaKitten yes, you’re probably right. I will sound like a real saddo, I know, but part of my change of mind is down to the fact that I don’t want to spend my holiday comparing my relationship with my brother’s. They are an amazing couple who have both overcome a lot of heartache and are now building a lovely life together. I’m comparison, my relationship feels very shallow, and it upsets me to feel like that.

@SomePeopleAreNice it’s not 100% of one of his DC will come anyway as they are 16 and on the fence about it.

OP posts:
Takenoprisoner · 24/06/2023 00:37

Go with just your dc. Take time out to think about your relationship. It's time to downgrade the relationship to casual or dating, if not ending it. Which you really should be considering.

Original poster
Ohitsajollyholiday · 24/06/2023 00:37

@Clymene yes, he knows - he was there when I was FaceTiming my DB and DSIL and they mentioned it.

OP posts:
RichardsGear · 24/06/2023 00:38

I think it would be hard to disinvite them from the holiday without having a wider discussion about where things are going, which might be a refreshing change from what you have said!
You could just say I think I'm going to just take my kids, and see what his response is. He might not even seem bothered, which will then lead on to another discussion.

Original poster
Ohitsajollyholiday · 24/06/2023 00:38

@Olderandolder that makes me feel sad 😞

OP posts:
pizzaHeart · 24/06/2023 00:38

YANBU, it’s better to go just you and kids to spend some quality time with your DN. Also all of you visiting would be quite a big group so much more difficult for your DB and his wife.
I wouldn’t tell your BF though that he was invited. And I wouldn’t tell him my real reasons atm.

Original poster
Ohitsajollyholiday · 24/06/2023 00:39

@Takenoprisoner I think you’re right

OP posts:
Original poster
Ohitsajollyholiday · 24/06/2023 00:41

@RichardsGear perhaps I should force a discussion - he’s awful at talking things through, gets very upset and then says exactly the right things to make me hang on and see how things go…

OP posts:
Original poster
Ohitsajollyholiday · 24/06/2023 00:42

@pizzaHeart they have a big place and DSIL is used to a large ‘brood’, but the thought of it is making me feel very claustrophobic!

OP posts:
Takenoprisoner · 24/06/2023 00:45

Ohitsajollyholiday · 24/06/2023 00:41

@RichardsGear perhaps I should force a discussion - he’s awful at talking things through, gets very upset and then says exactly the right things to make me hang on and see how things go…

So he's just stringing you along by saying the right things....

Also, don't stay in a relationship that makes you sad to be around others, ie, your db and sil.

Original poster
Ohitsajollyholiday · 24/06/2023 00:50

@Takenoprisoner its not a bad relationship, he just shows me no motivation to build a shared life together. That’s fine for him, if all he wants is a shallow relationship, but it’s a big stumbling block for me as I want more. I really need to consider things…

OP posts:
pizzaHeart · 24/06/2023 00:56

Ohitsajollyholiday · 24/06/2023 00:42

@pizzaHeart they have a big place and DSIL is used to a large ‘brood’, but the thought of it is making me feel very claustrophobic!

I would still soften your reasoning and wouldn’t tell him about your comparison with DB and his wife.
You could always tell that DB was just polite when invited him but in reality atm DB and DSIl would prefer scale down the visits.

Original poster
Ohitsajollyholiday · 24/06/2023 01:02

@pizzaHeart that’s a nice way of phrasing it, thank you. DB has just got a new puppy so perhaps that could be an additional ‘soft’ reason for changing plans…

OP posts:
whynotwhatknot · 24/06/2023 01:14

I gather you dont live together-you dont have to do every single holiday together especially if youre visiting family

Gymnopedie · 24/06/2023 01:18

Ohitsajollyholiday · 24/06/2023 01:02

@pizzaHeart that’s a nice way of phrasing it, thank you. DB has just got a new puppy so perhaps that could be an additional ‘soft’ reason for changing plans…

I wouldn't use what pizzaHeart said because it's putting the blame on DB and SIL, and while they might not mind it could get messy depending on how DP takes it.

The fact that he doesn't involve you in his family is reason enough. 'I'm going to take the DCs to [brother's] on my own. I think you're right, we should each spend some time separately with our own families.' He can hardly argue with that, can he? (And if he does he's a hypocrite, even more reason to get rid.)

MysteryBelle · 24/06/2023 01:32

Of course it’s ok for you to just take your dc and go to your brother’s. Sounds like you need a break from bf to think things over. He is using you for child minding and he is not committed to you.

MysteryBelle · 24/06/2023 01:35

You don’t have to give him a reason. ‘I’m taking my dc and spending some time with my brother and sil.’

No matter what he says, don’t explain. Just repeat that one sentence. Let him stew. Your dilemma will solve itself one way or the other.

Original poster
Ohitsajollyholiday · 24/06/2023 01:38

@whynotwhatknot true - it’s just that this will be my only holiday this year and BFs assumption would be that we’d spend it together, based on previous years

@Gymnopedie good point about potential awkwardness, will think on. That’s exactly how I feel in terms of each other’s families, just not sure it sounds petty?

@MysteryBelle I do need some clarity, and as you’ve suggested, I do feel like a bit of a convenience to BF

OP posts:
Original poster
Ohitsajollyholiday · 24/06/2023 01:40

@MysteryBelle I hear you, I just know he will be incredibly hurt

OP posts:
snitzelvoncrumb · 24/06/2023 03:15

I would be honest with him. Let him know you don’t think you are on the same page relationship wise. Tell him you just want some space to think and don’t want him to join you this time on holiday.

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 24/06/2023 04:06

Don’t use your brother or sil in your reason, that isn’t fair on them. Disinviting them at this stage is quite harsh unless you are ending the relationship, it doesn’t give them much time to plan something else. I think you need to decide if you want to continue with the relationship and if you do accept that you invited them and go with it.