Changed my mind about joint holiday

[Ohitsajollyholiday]

Please help as I’m in a proper quandary.

For the last couple of years, have gone on summer holidays with my 2DC, BF and BFs 2 DC.

It has been lovely, the kids all get along well and we’ve had fun.

This year we didn’t book a holiday as I was made redundant and didn’t want to commit to the cost as didn’t know long it would take me to get a job.

My DB and DSIL invited us to go and visit them (they live in a coastal town three hours away), which I gladly took them up on as it gave me a chance to see them and Dniece as well as getting a break.

The invitation included BF and his DC, but as the time gets closer I am feeling more and more like I don’t want them to come.

I’ve been having a few doubts about BF’s commitment to the relationship anyway - won’t discuss our future, doesn’t include me in family things on his side, etc. plus I’ve been finding his younger DC hard work as when we’re all together, he constantly wants ME to help him / watch him do this / play with him / get this for him - it’s a LOT.

AIBU just to go on this visit with my DC? I feel awkward about involving BF with my wider family when he doesn’t do that with me and his family, plus I feel like I won’t get much of a break with his DS constantly demanding my attention.

I know I sound like a cow, and tbh BF is probably better off without me!

Umm, he can fuck off wiht his being hurt. Try ‘with the trio to dbs, that will just be me and the kids. You don’t invite us to things on your side and I’ve decided I’m not interested in tolerating the double standards or pretending they don’t bother me. No, we don’t need to discuss this, it’s the actions that tell me what you think.’

I just know he will be incredibly hurt Inconvenienced - because his support system is crumbling.

You need to put your DC and yourself first

YANBU X

But he’s not worrying about hurting you when not inviting you to see his family.

put yourself and your dc first.

tell him you want to spend some family time with your dc you’ll see him and his kids when you get back.

don’t worry about him. He’s not worrying about you.

He probably will be very hurt, but you are hurting now. There is no worse lonliness than that felt from INSIDE a relationship.

Buy a ticket for something he works really want to go to, slap bang in the middle of the holiday. Tell him that Jo from work (someone that he doesn't know and will never meet, maybe a made up person) has a free ticket going. Would he like it? Of course it would mean he wouldn't be able to come on holiday...

This kinda depends on a) his willingness to go and b) how far away the holiday is c) whether or not you are willing to face up to being honest (which would be the best option) and d) how good you are at deceit.

Why on earth would she do that?

OP you need to be honest, yes he may feel hurt but haven't you felt that way when excluded?

As I said, it depends on how willing she is to face up to being honest. Which is the best option.

If she's not there yet, it's a possible and slightly devious way to get him to stay home instead.

I thought it was fairly obvious why I was suggesting it.

I would present it as a trip to visit family rather than a holiday. But if he's already been invited, that's trickier. I think you'll have to be upfront and say you've been hurt by his behaviour and want some time away from him to consider your position.

Just say you need a break because you are very stressed about the jobless situation, and obviously you have to take your children with you and whilst you are there, see how you feel about the relationship.
I find have step children a lot harder than I thought it would be.

He sounds like he's comfortable taking, and not giving.

I think inequity is a death knell for a relationship.

This.

I'm sick of women being expected to be nice all the bloody time. 'Don't disappoint his kids, don't break the Manchild's heart by disinviting him at this late stage.'
Is he showing you the same courtesy? Is he thinking of your feelings when he buggers off with his dc to his side of the family?

You know a discussion must be had. You might as well have it now. This situation has just sort of forced the issue.

He does sound very lame and it’s not a “good” relationship if he’s only getting what he wants (let me guess. Sex and childcare) and you’re not getting what you want. Rather than concoct a Mickey Mouse plot around it tell him what you want (moving in together? Meeting more of his family?) and if he goes ur dur maybe in five years face the fact he’s never coming around.

1. You don’t want his DC to come because you’ll be left with the childcare & entertaining them - on top of your own kids.
2. You don’t want bf to come because you resent his double standards, lack of commitment & leaving his childcare to you.
3. If you talk to him, he’ll say the right things but never follows through with it.

It sounds more like you’re trying to find a way to extricate yourself from this relationship. You said it’s your only holiday, is it his only holiday too? Are there any of his family events coming up that you & your DC aren’t invited to?

At the end of the day ‘I’m not happy with the way this relationship is going’ is a very valid reason for ending it. And the fact that you aren’t looking forward to spending more time with him shows that you should probably end it.

Why should he get a free holiday when he shuts youmout of his own family?

I agree with @Gymnopedie

The fact that he doesn't involve you in his family is reason enough. 'I'm going to take the DCs to [brother's] on my own. I think you're right, we should each spend some time separately with our own families.' He can hardly argue with that, can he? (And if he does he's a hypocrite, even more reason to get rid.)

It does sound like your BF (SO) is a taker re this relationship and a serious conversation needs to happen not including you on family things and expecting you to look after his DC when you’re on this break would really piss me off. Unless he changes I would want a break by myself without him and his DC and there’s nothing wrong with that. It may make you reevaluate your relationship more and make changes once you’re back.

I agree a discussion needs to be had. He's not putting in the effort that you are and unfortunately this isn't ok for you. You will be going to see your family on your own, as he does with his.

Don’t let him guilt trip you or throw a tantrum about this. If anything the way he behaves over this will show you more of how selfish, grabby and entitled he is. He’s not thinking of you being made redundant and your stress re that and seems to take you for granted.

He can want what he wants. You are allowed to want more. You will never have that with him and ,whilst you stay with him, you stop yourself finding it with someone else. Time to make some changes I think.

The reason he'll be upset is because he's losing out on a free holiday and will have to look after his own children.

My DHs children (grown up now) never lived with us. I saw my brother 3 times a year and he lived in another country. If we were going to him I didn’t take his kids with us. Tbh I didn’t even always take my own 🙊

If you’re questioning the longevity of your relationship don’t put yourself through the holiday/ is it with them x

I absolutely think you should be honest about why you don't want him to come. If he's 'incredibly hurt' then so be it. He's hurting you all the time by excluding you from his family events and not following through on his promises. Not to mention using you as childcare.