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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

27 year old son still at home, unemployed, alcoholic

31 replies

MumOfOlderKids · 23/06/2023 06:52

My some moved back home a year ago after being fired from several jobs and unable to afford his rent. For months he appeared to be trying to get himself back on track and find a new job but for the last six months, he has
been going out and getting so drunk he can barely walk. We have argued so much- he has a history of depression and constantly threatens to KHS. When he is not drunk, he is rude and unkind to me but pleasant to my DH. He is claiming government handouts. My DH and I gave him an ultimatum to go to the doctors for his depression which he did. He takes the tablets and then drinks himself to oblivion. DH and I are at breaking point. I do not know my son anymore. Son has nowhere else to go but I want him to go.

OP posts:
WeightInLine · 23/06/2023 06:54

This is so hard for you.

Why do you think your son is like this?

Willmafrockfit · 23/06/2023 06:55

are they any other relatives that could talk to him?

Wolfiefan · 23/06/2023 06:56

Sounds like he has to go. I understand you don’t want to make him homeless but if he’s behaving like this then I don’t see a choice. You can’t cure him.

Caradonna · 23/06/2023 06:57

Could he have adhd - I know this comes up all the time but there is a tendency to drink/ smoke/ take drugs for the dopamine hit - or is there some past trauma.
I had a family member who drank- the GP surprised me by calling it self medicating. Though it didn't feel like that to me who had to live with him.

BungalowBuyer · 23/06/2023 06:57

Will he go into rehab?

chosenone · 23/06/2023 07:07

Tread carefully, but create clear boundaries. My relative is similar and lives with my parents and he is 45!

Read up on enabling, releasing with love, the 3 C’s, often the family need support living with an addict. Seek professional help asap.

Have a conversation when he is sober, you and your DH, when you are equipped with the information you need. Explain that you both have the right to live free from addiction and you are giving him until a certain date to get support and housing. If he threatens to KHS be aware that this too is a form of manipulation, along with a cry for help. My relative has been saying it since he was a teenager.

He has to want to get clean and that is the hardest part. If the council house him it might be his rock bottom, it might not , but for you releasing with love may be the only option. Huge sympathies, it’s an awful situation.

Sapphire387 · 23/06/2023 07:13

Caradonna · 23/06/2023 06:57

Could he have adhd - I know this comes up all the time but there is a tendency to drink/ smoke/ take drugs for the dopamine hit - or is there some past trauma.
I had a family member who drank- the GP surprised me by calling it self medicating. Though it didn't feel like that to me who had to live with him.

There are plenty of alcoholics without ADHD, and plenty of us with ADHD who do not turn to alcohol. Please can we not jump to ADHD as a first conclusion?

OP - I believe another ultimatum is necessary. Either he stops drinking / gets help with his alcohol problem, or he leaves. Alcoholics often destroy the lives of those around them, as well as their own.

I know, he is your son and this is heartbreaking, but it is awful for you to live with being treated so badly by him.

Willmafrockfit · 23/06/2023 07:14

The three C's of addiction are:
“I didn't cause it” “I can't cure it” “I can't control it

LlynTegid · 23/06/2023 07:17

There is an organisation for relatives of alcoholics, cannot recall the name, suggest you seek their advice.

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 23/06/2023 07:22

Caradonna · 23/06/2023 06:57

Could he have adhd - I know this comes up all the time but there is a tendency to drink/ smoke/ take drugs for the dopamine hit - or is there some past trauma.
I had a family member who drank- the GP surprised me by calling it self medicating. Though it didn't feel like that to me who had to live with him.

For Gods sake 🙄 ADHD is used alot with regards to problematic men on MN these days isn't it?
OP, give him his notice, even get him into a flat if you can afford but get him out. Do not be held to ransom for the rest of your life otherwise its wasted.

Willmafrockfit · 23/06/2023 07:30

Al anon
and Al anon for families

Willmafrockfit · 23/06/2023 07:31

on Al Anon IS for families

NeedToChangeName · 23/06/2023 07:52

No easy solutions, but much sympathy. It's an awful situation for you

Would volunteering be an option?

endofthelinefinally · 23/06/2023 08:56

Everything I am about to say is based on very painful personal experience.

ADHD is a common factor associated with addiction. It is definitely worth exploring because a diagnosis can be very important in getting support and help. That doesn't mean that every person with ADHD will develop addiction problems, or that every alcoholic has ADHD.
There is a genetic component to alcoholism and addictive personality.
Has there been trauma in your son's life that might have contributed to his behaviour?
When did it start?
If there is any way you can persuade him to attend AA/go into rehab?
Does he have any friends?
Al Anon will be a good support and source of advice for you.
Do you think he understands that he will die if he doesn't get help?
Is he suicidal?
Is there anyone he would talk to?
You don't have to answer these questions on here, but give them some serious thought.
I am so sorry. It is an awful situation. Flowers

Dotjones · 23/06/2023 09:01

I'm assuming KHS means kill himself. If I've misunderstood ignore this post but if he's threatening suicide it should be taken seriously especially in someone with substance abuse problems and mental illness. It's not "manipulation" as one PP put it. Contrary to popular belief one of the biggest indicators of potential suicide is someone talking about it. Have you considered trying to get him sectioned? It might be what he needs, a break from his current routine and environment.

endofthelinefinally · 23/06/2023 09:04

Do you think something really bad has happened to him?
Something he can't talk about?

DisquietintheRanks · 23/06/2023 09:11

The first thing to do would be to start charging him rent/money for food and bills. He'll drink an awful lot less if he's got £15/ week to play with.

Then talk to him. Will he get help with the drinking? What does he want to do next?

Make it clear that, if he continues to live with you, there are minimum standards of behaviour you'll accept - and mean it.

You can ask him to leave but, if you do, he'll almost certainly end up street homeless unless friends/family will take him in. Doesn't mean you shouldn't have that as an option but be realistic about the consequences for all of you.

Lovetotravel123 · 23/06/2023 09:13

Definitely try to attend Al Anon for families of alcoholics. There are online options so you can find a time to suit you if you can’t get to a face to face meeting.

FOJN · 23/06/2023 09:18

It's not "manipulation" as one PP put it. Contrary to popular belief one of the biggest indicators of potential suicide is someone talking about it.

The indicators which should raise concerns are much more specific than that so please stop trying to guilt or frighten the OP.

As a PP said the OP hasn't caused these problems and can't fix them. She can continue to enable her son by protecting him from consequences which could prove more harmful to him in the long run.

You have given him a cushion, he has taken no action to improve his own situation and he is difficult to live with. Tell him he has to leave.

Al Anon is an organisation which supports the friends and family of alcoholics. They hold in person and on line meetings. The are groups are attended by people who have been where you are.

https://al-anonuk.org.uk/

Al-Anon UK | For families & friends of alcoholics

Al-Anon Family Groups are for the families & friends of alcoholics who share their experience, strength & hope in order to solve their common problems.

https://al-anonuk.org.uk

Thepeopleversuswork · 23/06/2023 09:19

I am really sorry, I don't really have any suggestions but just so sorry for you this must be unbelievably tough.

Original poster
MumOfOlderKids · 23/06/2023 11:15

Possibly- I have ADHD. He doesn’t really have any of the other symptoms of ADHD though

OP posts:
Original poster
MumOfOlderKids · 23/06/2023 11:18

I have tried talking to him about this and we’ve tried counselling- he pushes back from everyone and everything. He is unkind about his siblings. He can’t hold down a relationship :(

OP posts:
Original poster
MumOfOlderKids · 23/06/2023 11:18

:(

OP posts:
Original poster
MumOfOlderKids · 23/06/2023 11:21

His older sister has tried but she is met with sullenness that I would associate with a teenager. He doesn’t want to open up at all.

OP posts:
DriftingDora · 28/12/2023 19:56

Where's he getting the money from to drink himself to oblivion?

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