To ensure DC don't see cousins frequently?

[User2534]

My husband has 3 DB. One is NC/ very LC with him from before I met him - due to aggression, jail time, drug use and instability and the 10 year age gap. They see each other maybe once a year in passing.

This DB has a son, DN who isi6 yrs older than our eldest DC. Not his fault but he is really badly parented- he kicks his grandparents, has no boundaries, swears and is generally not very nice. GPs 'aren't allowed to reprimand him' as DB won't allow them to. He is completely uncontrollable and I only ever hear about him being horrible or disrespectful to someone. I don't want to encourage contact - we are happy with seeing DN 3xyearly. I feel sorry for DN but we aren't in a position to change anything for him given the aggression from DB and lack of contact.

Our DC have NC with DB as my husband doesn't have contact himself. I acknowledge it is hard for the GPs but not my problem. The GPs do 1 day childcare for us per fortnight. They have started to take our DC to see DN on 'their days' without permission.

I've told GPs that other than family occasions when we as parents are present, our DC don't need to spend time with DN - he is a lot older and he is a very poor role model. He treats the GP very badly and I don't want our DC seeing that modelled and doing that.

The GPs are understandably angry and I've acknowledged its hard for them but my priority are our DC. There are other 'parenting' issues with them as they have got used to not enforcing common decency with DN and almost encourage our DC to be badly behaved. I think being around DN exacerbates the problem.

AIBU?

You will have to find alternative child care.

Sounds like it's a slippery slope and I would be stopping the childcare arrangement going forwards.

I agree with posters above me. You'll have to take your child out of their care if you want control over who they are around.

It's your responsibility to find alternative childcare.

I can totally understand why you don't want too much contact- but you can't tell GP's what to do when they're providing you childcare, so you'll need to make alternative arrangements.

YANBU to want to avoid the contact but you need to find alternative childcare.

I don’t think you’re in a position to dictate the ground rules like that if you are not paying for childcare. I think you need to have that conversation with them about the big being bigger and potentially risky around your child. (It doesn’t sound like he’s have the impulse control to stop himself from lashing out if he’s angry, and your DS could make him resentful/jealous or be irritating because he’s a toddler.) You can ASK them not to take your kid out to see this boy, and if they don’t like it, you’ll need to pay for childcare. Also, are they minding this boy at the same time? That’s probably too much for them.

I’d be going NC with this nephew and finding alternative arrangements for childcare if the grandparents won’t keep your child away from him.

Find alternative childcare. You can’t dictate when they see their other gc, and they’ve made it clear they won’t respect your request. Safety issues are nonnegotiable for me.

Look after your own kids then instead of trying to dictate what the Grandparents can and cannot do. You are out of order.

My thoughts exactly

My mum did this when I was nc with my sister. She tried to do it secretly too.

I ended the childcare arrangement.

Pay for childcare.

YANBU, he doesn't sound like a good influence.

You need to find alternative childcare.

Yep, explain to them you will find other care.

I agree I wouldn't want my children around this person. But based on your description of grandparents I don't think I'd want them in charge of my children either.

I think dps parents will regret it and should focus on enjoying the time they have with each gc separately rather than this. In your place I’d stop sending the dc there.

Yanbu but you need alternative child care and go back to visiting grandparents when you’re all free

My mum is happy to do all the childcare.

DH wants his mum to have equal childcare time. I don't like the way they look after DC. They are desperate to do childcare to see them more frequently and I'm trying to find boundaries I can live with. DH's dad tags along on 'her' days as does his uncle.

If I could get DH to agree, I would find alternative childcare. My dad has even offered to pay for another nursery day alternate weeks.

This! ⬆️ No brainer.

We've had this situation and have asked that our children don't spend time with SILs child without us present.

GPs were a little put out but so far have respected our wishes. However, they don't provide childcare for us. Occasionally they will ask to have 1 or all of our DC for the day so it's really only these days impacted, and I don't think it's particularly hard for them to avoid.

I think where your children are concerned boundaries are non negotiable so in the nicest possible way if they aren't able to respect those then you will need to find alternative childcare. If it's only fortnightly surely it shouldn't be that difficult for them!

Given your dh is an arse i would ask what his solution is. When he has NOTHING

My view would be to suggest given its one day per fortnight you move "their day" to a weekend. Have them at yours but you and DH use the time to do garden weekly shop cleaning and laundry etc.

And as (almost) always.... you have a dh problem

YANBU but you can't control your DH's parents, so you need to find alternative childcare. Tbh this would be a good move anyway since they seem to have questionable parenting skills and poor judgement.

How old is DN, how old are your DC?

Maybe just put them in full time childcare as needed and keep GP time on both sides to ad-hoc or family time.

If I could get DH to agree, I would find alternative childcare. My dad has even offered to pay for another nursery day alternate weeks.

Your brother in law is not the issue.
His child is not the issue.
Your parents in law are not the issue.