To ensure DC don't see cousins frequently?

[User2534]

My husband has 3 DB. One is NC/ very LC with him from before I met him - due to aggression, jail time, drug use and instability and the 10 year age gap. They see each other maybe once a year in passing.

This DB has a son, DN who isi6 yrs older than our eldest DC. Not his fault but he is really badly parented- he kicks his grandparents, has no boundaries, swears and is generally not very nice. GPs 'aren't allowed to reprimand him' as DB won't allow them to. He is completely uncontrollable and I only ever hear about him being horrible or disrespectful to someone. I don't want to encourage contact - we are happy with seeing DN 3xyearly. I feel sorry for DN but we aren't in a position to change anything for him given the aggression from DB and lack of contact.

Our DC have NC with DB as my husband doesn't have contact himself. I acknowledge it is hard for the GPs but not my problem. The GPs do 1 day childcare for us per fortnight. They have started to take our DC to see DN on 'their days' without permission.

I've told GPs that other than family occasions when we as parents are present, our DC don't need to spend time with DN - he is a lot older and he is a very poor role model. He treats the GP very badly and I don't want our DC seeing that modelled and doing that.

The GPs are understandably angry and I've acknowledged its hard for them but my priority are our DC. There are other 'parenting' issues with them as they have got used to not enforcing common decency with DN and almost encourage our DC to be badly behaved. I think being around DN exacerbates the problem.

AIBU?

So basically your DH wants to put your DC in danger?

If he wants them to see his mum he needs to be going there with them.

How ridiculous

Then your original post is not the issue. The issue is your DH!! Either he is fine with his parents taking them to see DN or he agrees to other childcare. Are his kids not the most important factor here?
You have a DH problem

Does DH agree with the DC not seeing DN?

Do the DC want to see DN? If they think he's amazingly cool, then absolutely keep them away. If they don't like him, they won't be so influenced to behave the same.

So your DH is essentially NC with his brother and son but he's happy for your DC to see them in order to keep his parents happy?

I second Totalwasteofpaper’s suggestion. 👍

Well you and dh need to get on the same page.
There is a price to be paid for free childcare and you need to acknowledge what this is. If your kids are spending so much time with poor role models is that a price worth paying?
It's a difficult conversation for dh to have with his parents though.

So as usual it’s a DH problem?

If you can’t trust MIL not to see DN when she has your DC, and you aren’t particularly happy with how she looks after them anyway, it’s time to change the arrangement.

Surely things will be changing as they get older anyway? Could you get MIL to babysit at your house while you and DH go out, to soften the blow?

Do not use them for childcare, they see all this through different lenses. Children are heavily influenced by their peers.

There is a genuine risk this lad could end up going down the same route as his Father. Look for decent peer reviewed literature online to back up this, show this to your DH and see if he wants his kids round someone who is at genuine risk of falling foul of the law in the future.

DH agrees with me about DN. We had a massive disagreement about allowing DC to have contact with DBIL when I was pregnant with the eldest. I put my foot down which is why DC have no contact.

His family are difficult. The compromise is they do childcare once a week rather than being over constantly (they probably see each other every day and would like to see us likewise - we see them 4x a week (in different groupings as PIL are divorced but still see each other every day). His uncle is much more sensible that PIL and I trust him as a role model for DC.

I feel guilty... being unkind to exclude a 10 year old from our DC. But we can't control him or DBIL. My PIL don't like me anyway - they were upset about being told DN was a bad role model and we don't see a close cousin relationship as necessary but given they complain constantly about his behaviour, I don't know what they expect really?

You see them four times a week???!!!😱

You need to move far far away!

This