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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DM wanting to stay as soon baby is born . AIBU or ?

30 replies

ScottishBonnie · 22/06/2023 22:32

Baby number 2 due soon. I live 5 hours away from my parents . I’m in Scotland then in England. DH family live in the same town as us.

My mum is lovely but needy and she can be negative. I love her however I feel she can be selfish. I often struggle through her visits.

I’m due to give birth soon . Will be induced due to Big Baby . Mother has said she wants to come the day of the birth. But I’ve said its likely I’ll be in hospital 2 nights ( midwife advice) and as dS1 will be at nursery we don’t need that . She immediately became upset and sharp . Then said she will come 2 days after the birth and asked if DHs family will stay away so she can have time with baby . I said I can’t stop DHs family popping over. She then sulked.

We had this stress from her when DS1 was born and I remember being so upset and stressed by her after the birth. 3 years later and here we go again.

I’m feeling so livid that she is stressing me out . I just want to enjoy my baby . I don’t understand why she can’t just go with the flow ? Or just take a bit of a backseat. If she wasn’t so stressful I wouldn’t dread her visits . I’m actually dreading her staying with us for days after the baby is here as it is such a special time and she will be groaning , making digs about DHs family and I know her anxiousness will take the shine off this special occasion .

She is my mum and I love her though
Of course she wants to see her grandchild but I just feel i always have to go along with what she wants ! Im just feeling really angry !!!!!!!

AIBU and selfish ??

OP posts:
Sapphire387 · 22/06/2023 22:51

Not unreasonable. Tell her you'll let her know when's good. Or preferably, see if there is a way for her to stay in a hotel. It's not up to her to invite herself.

Olderandolder · 22/06/2023 22:57

You are not being unreasonable.

It is fairly usual for mothers to come and stay in the first weeks of a new baby.
it’s because they do cooking and cleaning and take the baby out for a walk to give their daughter a rest.

The point is to help the daughter.

Your DM probably feels upset that she is unable to be any help.

But that isn’t your problem. Maybe explain to her that DP is helpful, unlike previous generations, so mothers of your generation don’t have their DMs to stay.

Whenwillitallmakesense · 22/06/2023 23:37

Why do your parents have to stay with you? Can't they book into an Airbnb or hotel for a couple of nights and visit? Then maybe further down the line when you're more settled into a routine, she can come for a couple of days.

You're a grown woman with (nearly) two kids of your own, you're entitled to have your own space and time whenever you want, specially at a time like this. Give yourself the permission to enjoy those first few days as a family.

Whenwillitallmakesense · 22/06/2023 23:40

@Olderandolder I'm not sure it is that usual for GPs to come and stay as soon as a baby is born any more. And definitely not for a few weeks! Sounds like a nightmare if you have a needy and negative mother, like OPs.

Raindropsarefallingheavily · 23/06/2023 00:02

Surely just tell her you will let he know when you are up to visitors? Just keep it that simple a conversation?

Namechangedagain20 · 23/06/2023 00:18

@Olderandolder I’d say it’s very rare to have a grandparent stay after the birth of a new baby. I know no one of my generation (in my 30s) to have anyone stay to help out. The only people I know who did this are my parents generation.

OP YANBU, my mother stressed me out near the birth of my first getting herself worked up into a competition against in-laws (who had no idea) over seeing the baby first. For that reason she wasn’t even told I was in labour. I would just tell her when the baby is here and say you’ll let her know when you’re ready for her to stay. I would ask in laws not to visit on the day she arrives though, more so because I wouldn’t want to entertain them all. If she’s difficult with you just explain she’s stressing you out, which you don’t need when heavily pregnant and take a step back from contacting her for a while.

Groutyonehereagain · 23/06/2023 00:22

You have to put your big girl pants on and be firm with your mum. It’s your life, your baby and it’s time to put yourself first.

RosesAndHellebores · 23/06/2023 00:27

My mum was invaluable but DH was back at work when ds was 7 days old so my mum came for a week. We had sufficient space. We have a difficult relationship but she was OK that week step didn't come.

For dd, MIL came for a week. Was fine.

arecklessmanor · 23/06/2023 00:30

YANBU. With my first baby I didn't tell anyone I was in hospital, I rang them after the baby was born, and had family to visit/stay a few weeks later. (As an aside my mum is very helpful and cooks, cleans, irons but I wanted time for us and all family lived several hours away so we did what suited us first).

If you don't want visitors don't have them immediately, you don't get the time back.

wingingit1987 · 23/06/2023 00:39

Yanbu. You are in Scotland- not thousands of miles away where she has to organise flights etc. Advise her you don’t want any guests initially and you will let her know when you will realistically want visitors. And I would stick to visitors and not house guests- tell her to look at hotels/airb&b’s. Your eldest will be going through a big adjustment and more upset to her routine than is necessary isn’t helpful.

OfCourseFailureIsNotABadOptionAtAll · 23/06/2023 00:47

My parents stayed for 2 months and their help was invaluable. They looked after older DD when we were in the hospital during labour but also did everything for older DD from school runs to entertaining her after the baby was born. And they also did all the cooking and lots of the cleaning. I didn't even want them to do so much but it was a massive help and it helped older DD to have someone giver her so much attention I think. Dh wasn't well at that time, which was a factor as well.

Of course, it depends on your mum and your relationship. My parents aren't perfect either. In fact, they too are quite negative and my dad can be very self centred. For my mum though she just wanted to help us out and that's what she did.

OfCourseFailureIsNotABadOptionAtAll · 23/06/2023 00:48

Oh also, my parents do live thousands of miles away so they wouldn't be able to just pop in for a weekend or so. It's probably different if you live closer to each other.

Fraaahnces · 23/06/2023 01:34

Tell her very directly that you don’t want visitors as soon as you’re home and you will let her know when it suits you.

Tinkerbyebye · 23/06/2023 06:37

Whilst I get what you say, look at it from her point of view. She lives hours away, gets little time with her grandkids, however your in laws get liars of time. You are her daughter, she wants to help you, is it that hard to ask your in laws to stay away for a couple of days to let her have alone time with you and the kids?

if you do follow advice and say you don’t want visitors at first etc, then you need to be very clear on that with your in laws as well

Equalitea · 23/06/2023 07:03

Don’t tell her the induction date.
if you’ve told her say you’re waiting for a few one and you’ll let her know.

Babsexxx · 23/06/2023 09:49

No I would tell her no one’s staying in the home you need her to rent a hotel or air bnb and just make a day trip of it I wouldn’t of disclosed induction date at all baby would of been mysteriously here then I’d of informed her a few days later xx

mindutopia · 23/06/2023 09:52

It would definitely be a no from me. My family was a flight away and they came both times at 6 weeks. That was the soonest I could manage house guests.

As she only needs to drive, it wouldn't be hard to pop in for a day or two, staying somewhere else, not with you, but not right away if it's not what you want. I'd just say no visitors for the first whatever (we had none for 2 weeks both times - no local family so was quite easy - it was wonderful) and then when you're ready, everyone can come for a limited amount of time.

xogossipgirlxo · 23/06/2023 10:05

"Then said she will come 2 days after the birth and asked if DHs family will stay away so she can have time with baby "

Oh,I'm sorry, is she pregnant and due to give birth soon too? 😂She's being ridiculous. Stick to your guns and say no. We also said no to both set of parents. Mine live abroad, my mum also wanted to come after birth to help with baby, but it stressed me out so much even thinking about having her at home in my most vulnerable time. I want me and husband to bond with baby and get used to new reality without anyone outside our household. FIL lives 3 hours away and wanted to come in first 2 weeks. My husband already said no without even asking me, but he was so pushy afterwards, it made my blood boil. No fucking way I'm hosting him 2 weeks postpartum, so he can hold baby, make fuss, noise, give couple of his good pieces of advice (that no one asks for!) and go. We told him that he can come when baby is 4-5 weeks old, no sleepovers, I really don't need another adult to cook for and wash the dishes (my husband will be back at work then). He's no use when it comes to household tasks, and I'd have to hide upstairs to feed baby.

Babsexxx · 23/06/2023 10:38

Did you read the threat at all? OPs mum doesn’t help though and creates a stressful situation! So no it doesn’t matter that it’s ops mum after giving birth you don’t need unnecessary stress and dramas added on.

CoffeeCantata · 23/06/2023 10:45

I know I'm atypical but I'd absolutely hate to be in the same house as any newborn baby which wasn't mine. It's a hellish environment from my own experience: crying, fretful baby and exhausted mother getting to grips with feeding.

It's absolutely your right, OP, to decide who you want or don't want in this situation. I don't think I'm cut out to be a granny!

leopard22 · 23/06/2023 10:49

OP, have you spoken to your mum about how you felt after baby number 1? Or about how you're feeling about the situation in general?

If not, I think that's where you need to start.

Winter2020 · 23/06/2023 11:07

Is your husband taking paternity leave? If so I would just tell your mum that he will be supporting you while off on paternity leave but it would be helpful for her to come for a week after he goes back to work. I couldn't have let my mum stay when we had our little baby bubble but welcomed her afterwards.

If she wants to come to visit earlier ask her to stay in a hotel.

Lacucuracha · 23/06/2023 11:09

Tell her no one can stay until you’re ready. Don’t give her a date when you will be ready.

She can pop in for an hour when you’re ready. Get DH on board to chivvy her out or anyone else who overstays.

LightDrizzle · 23/06/2023 11:14

I would also put off any visit until your DH is back at work following paternity leave. She sounds a right PITA and very selfish.

Most mothers are primarily concerned about looking after their own baby (you) in the immediate post-partum period. It’s disappointing that it’s all about her getting maximum time with your newborn. Of course all grandparents are excited to see and have a cuddle of their new baby grandchildren, but most know that in the early days babies are glued to their mother most of the time and the newborn period is a period of exhaustion and adjustment for the new parents.

Kofola · 23/06/2023 11:16

My Mum is like this OP. We told her a lot less in the run up to DC2's birth than DC1's. Can you just become very vague about dates and only let her know the baby is here when you actually want her to visit?

With DC2 I was so ill I had to go back into hospital and really couldn't cope with mine at all. She still stressed out by texting constantly even when I'd asked her not to, but that was more manageable than her actually visiting.