DM wanting to stay as soon baby is born . AIBU or ?

[ScottishBonnie]

Baby number 2 due soon. I live 5 hours away from my parents . I’m in Scotland then in England. DH family live in the same town as us.

My mum is lovely but needy and she can be negative. I love her however I feel she can be selfish. I often struggle through her visits.

I’m due to give birth soon . Will be induced due to Big Baby . Mother has said she wants to come the day of the birth. But I’ve said its likely I’ll be in hospital 2 nights ( midwife advice) and as dS1 will be at nursery we don’t need that . She immediately became upset and sharp . Then said she will come 2 days after the birth and asked if DHs family will stay away so she can have time with baby . I said I can’t stop DHs family popping over. She then sulked.

We had this stress from her when DS1 was born and I remember being so upset and stressed by her after the birth. 3 years later and here we go again.

I’m feeling so livid that she is stressing me out . I just want to enjoy my baby . I don’t understand why she can’t just go with the flow ? Or just take a bit of a backseat. If she wasn’t so stressful I wouldn’t dread her visits . I’m actually dreading her staying with us for days after the baby is here as it is such a special time and she will be groaning , making digs about DHs family and I know her anxiousness will take the shine off this special occasion .

She is my mum and I love her though
Of course she wants to see her grandchild but I just feel i always have to go along with what she wants ! Im just feeling really angry !!!!!!!

AIBU and selfish ??

Reading these replies makes me realize I have some issues with setting boundaries. I constantly feel so guilty if I don’t people please.I wish I was stronger and I know I need to worry less .
I think my mum is used to me bending to her and stepping back I think my mum is selfish( as I said )
If I told her to stay in a hotel I think she would hit the roof . I think she would have a melt down if I said no one is to come until I’m ready and I’ll people know when that is.
She would cry and sulk and I’d be the bad one .

I am so annoyed with myself that I didn’t organize a plan earlier and tell her exactly what I wanted . I’m so cross I’m so weak. I’m so cross she makes me feel like I’m always letting her down .

DH can’t afford to take paternity as it’s statutory pay but will be taking a week off as holiday .

I have told DM to come for 3 nights 3 days after baby is born and I know she will try and stay longer but I will firm and explain she needs to leave on x day as agreed so me and DH and DS can bond with baby .

The fact she is getting in a mood about it shows she is not a person you would want around as so sensitive. Don't beat yourself up as she sounds quite a difficult woman and is making all this about her. I wonder is there one sentence you could say like: l think it's better for us as a family that we spend the time together . Keep saying it.
You could also say: Mom why are you making me having a baby about you?
You are perfectly reasonable wanting a bit of space to get used to your baby. If it was a hands on easy to get along with mom, fine but all signs show she is very difficult

My dad and step mum turned up to to the area of the hospital the days DD was born because dad had ‘work in the area’ (he lives two hours away, it’s possible but unlikely). I told them (and partners parents) in no uncertain terms that we were not having visitors immediately after the birth, I’d had a long induction and unplanned c section and was very wobbly and all over the place.

I told them they could visit a week later. It was still very stressful - my (childless) stepmom decided that the most important think she could do was clean our oven for us and consequently myself, dad, partner and baby were all huddled up in our little living room with all the doors closed and windows open in January because of the fumes. It was mental. I wish I had put my food down even more with them. Don’t be me, enforce your boundaries, especially with a c section recovery!!

I would ring and ask your mum to "come and help" when your husband has gone back to work

You can still change your mind OP and your message to her. She's going to sulk anyway so just do it, tell her she will be welcome after 2 weeks or whatever. Don't spoil the early days with your baby.
You will hopefully find a lot of strength and boundaries that you didn't know you had, for the sake of your baby.