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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner making decisions without me

47 replies

Jouleigh · 22/06/2023 21:41

So we have been looking around our son's new school.

There are quite a few children from primary going to this school. One child is in a class without friends, all the others have 1 or 2.

School have said once they have got a class there is no changing.
My partner felt awful for our sons friend & said that he could come to our house every morning then they can walk together.

We live a 10 min walk from school, they would have a 20 min drive, possibly more depending on traffic.

All four parents work, friends parents work very long hours or do shifts. My partner leaves early as long commute to London.
I work for home but start before the kids would need to leave.

Am I being unreasonable to be irritated that my partner has agreed to something that only affects me? I did something similar in early primary, parents kept dropping off earlier & earlier because reasons.

Then it might be, I'm running late, can they walk to yours. We currently do similar with the childminder, but we pay her and have checked what works for her.

I think what I'm mainly pissed off at is that my partner offered this without discussing it with me first? I'm the only adult who will be affected, but have had no say.

Additionally our son is brilliant and was upset for his friend being alone. I checked to see if this was for the first few weeks, first term. Nope it was an open offer.

They were great friends in primary until about Y4 them drifted apart. No longer invite each other to parties etc.

What happens when they decide they aren't friends again and he is still turning up as his parents need the childcare/extra commute time?

Apologies for the lengthy message, if nothing else it's been cathartic!

OP posts:
Whenwillitallmakesense · 22/06/2023 22:39

So you're expected to go pick this kid up and then take them both to school? Or will he get dropped off and then they both walk to school? Or he gets dropped off and you're driving them to school from yours?
Sorry if I'm being dense, bit it's not clear to me

nutbrownhare15 · 22/06/2023 22:42

Can you agree a time for drop off 5 mins before your son needs to leave. Your son waits outside for their friend so you are disturbed less. If they are late he leaves at time he needs to. If early child will need to wait outside as you are working.

AmandaHoldensLips · 22/06/2023 22:46

Tell your DH he needs to undo this arrangement immediately.

Sapphire387 · 22/06/2023 22:48

I'm not sure I am understanding correctly.

Does the other child need to come into your house, or will they just knock for your son and then they go off together?

I would be ok with that (the latter) but no more than that.

ChopperC110P · 22/06/2023 22:51

Are you sure it affects you?

Your child is what Yr5 or Yr6? And the offer was for them to “walk together” to school as in by themselves.

So the friends parents drop their child off at a yours, and then your child + friend walk together to school.

Seems like it is a win-win, because if it weren’t for a friend to walk with, you would likely be doing a school drop off? Yr5/6 is a bit young to walk to school alone, but not too young to walk with a friend.

Can you explain how this affects you negatively?

ChopperC110P · 22/06/2023 22:54

My partner leaves early as long commute to London. I work for home but start before the kids would need to leave.

What was the plan for just your child to get to school since both of you are apparently working before it’s time for him to leave? He just gets himself ready and sets off on his own?

If so, again how does this affect you if instead of walking to school on his own he now has a friend to walk with?

NotBotheredAnymore · 22/06/2023 22:55

One of you needs to tell this child's parents that this doesn't work for you. Preferably DH but realistically we both know that won't happen.

I've been in this situation before and it's a nightmare if your child is ill as you are then responsible for getting another person's child to school while looking after your child and trying to work.

What happens if he's late arriving, does yours wait around and get detention for being late, or does he go and you have to deal with other child...you get the drift.

ChopperC110P · 22/06/2023 22:57

his parents need the childcare/extra commute time?
I don’t understand this. If they drove past your house and straight to the school, they’d be dropping their child off ten minutes early….they could totally do that. It might actually even be easier for them insofar as commuting goes. They’re not really gaining any childcare or commute time by dropping their child off to then immediately walk the rest of the way to school with your child.

MuggleMe · 22/06/2023 22:58

I can see why you feel disrespected your DH making decisions that only affect you.

I can see your concern that it might start impacting you or cause issues if they stop being friends.

In the short term assuming this is y7 I don't see why the friend can't come and knock and walk together.

If it stops being like that, you have every right to say this is no longer working. Doesn't sound like you're friends with the parents.

ChopperC110P · 22/06/2023 23:00

if your child is ill as you are then responsible for getting another person's child to school while looking after your child and trying to work.

Why wouldn’t you let them know your child is sick so they could just drive on to the school instead of dropping off their child?

if he's late arriving, does yours wait around and get detention for being late, or does he go and you have to deal with other child

Your child doesn’t wait, and if they’re running late they just drive on to the school. Simple.

Whenwillitallmakesense · 22/06/2023 23:02

If OP's child is ill, she takes 2 minute to call or text other parents to tell them to take the extra few minutes to drop DC straight to school. OP's som leaves for school same time every day, it's made clear that if they are going to be late dropping off, they take the few extra minutes to drop DC off straight at school.

OP is in no way responsible for getting other kid to school. He gets dropped off in time, they walk in together.

Whenwillitallmakesense · 22/06/2023 23:04

@ChopperC110P our posts crossed. Looks like I'm paraphrasing your post!

TomatoSandwiches · 22/06/2023 23:05

It's not particularly clear if you are taking them both or the boy is just meeting up with your son and making their own way?

NumberTheory · 22/06/2023 23:18

While I agree with pp that this doesn’t necessarily need to affect you, it’s still unreasonable of your partner. It’s for your DS to decide who he wants to walk to school with, not his dad who will not have to do it (and I’m sure he would be irritated if you or your DS offered his company to a colleague for his commute). Your partner needs to rescind his invitation and DS can decide if he wants to make the same offer (in a way that won’t impact you) himself.

UsingChangeofName · 22/06/2023 23:20

YANBU.

He should have asked you, before making any promises if he won't ever be there and you will.

ChopperC110P · 22/06/2023 23:28

Whenwillitallmakesense · 22/06/2023 23:04

@ChopperC110P our posts crossed. Looks like I'm paraphrasing your post!

Ha! I see we are two peas in a pod.

ChopperC110P · 22/06/2023 23:30

NumberTheory · 22/06/2023 23:18

While I agree with pp that this doesn’t necessarily need to affect you, it’s still unreasonable of your partner. It’s for your DS to decide who he wants to walk to school with, not his dad who will not have to do it (and I’m sure he would be irritated if you or your DS offered his company to a colleague for his commute). Your partner needs to rescind his invitation and DS can decide if he wants to make the same offer (in a way that won’t impact you) himself.

The DS already did?
”Additionally our son is brilliant and was upset for his friend being alone”

The DS was upset his friend was alone, so presumably is happy to walk to school with him.

Original poster
Jouleigh · 22/06/2023 23:34

Whenwillitallmakesense · 22/06/2023 22:39

So you're expected to go pick this kid up and then take them both to school? Or will he get dropped off and then they both walk to school? Or he gets dropped off and you're driving them to school from yours?
Sorry if I'm being dense, bit it's not clear to me

It would be parents dropping child off here. While I'm in my pyjamas making coffee.
Possibly that's what irritates, the fact I'll have to wear a bra first thing when it's hot and I don't want to! Wink

OP posts:
2bazookas · 22/06/2023 23:35

Without discussing it with your DH I'd contact the other parents and say wte " "Sorry for the mix up but my husband Bob won't be able to walk the kids to school and I'm afraid it's not possible for me either".

Neatly blames him for making the arrangement and gets you off the hook

Original poster
Jouleigh · 22/06/2023 23:42

Sorry I wasn't very clear, was cross at the time!
It will be y7 starting in September. Parents will drop off here.
Then kids will walk to school including our older daughter who already goes there. She has offered to go with ds for the first few times as there are cut through he doesn't know.

DS used to be really good friends with this child, but isn't now.

It would be less annoying if it was for x amount of weeks rather than ongoing.

Also even if I put DS outside to wait for his friend what happens if they are early I can't leave the friend outside the front door in rain etc.

We are a 10-15 min walk to school. Friend is longer than that by car. Currently eldest leaves at 8am. Also currently friends parents use a childminder as they are Y6 as they can't do school run so late, it interferes with work comments.

OP posts:
Whenwillitallmakesense · 22/06/2023 23:44

The kid is getting dropped off, you don't have to invite parents in. And you've said you start work before DC leave for school so you'll already be up, dressed and ready for the day by time he gets dropped off, not making coffee in kitchen with your tits hanging low, will you?

Original poster
Jouleigh · 22/06/2023 23:46

NotBotheredAnymore · 22/06/2023 22:55

One of you needs to tell this child's parents that this doesn't work for you. Preferably DH but realistically we both know that won't happen.

I've been in this situation before and it's a nightmare if your child is ill as you are then responsible for getting another person's child to school while looking after your child and trying to work.

What happens if he's late arriving, does yours wait around and get detention for being late, or does he go and you have to deal with other child...you get the drift.

OMG yes, all the points you made!
My children from Sept. can get themselves to school. It will be secondary & DS is looking forward to it as it was a long commute to primary & we needed a childminder.

This is the youngest so thought I was winning, no school run, make their own lunch boxes and hand cash over every now & then.

OP posts:
Whenwillitallmakesense · 22/06/2023 23:47

Yes, your update makes it even more confusing.

Original poster
Jouleigh · 22/06/2023 23:52

ChopperC110P · 22/06/2023 22:57

his parents need the childcare/extra commute time?
I don’t understand this. If they drove past your house and straight to the school, they’d be dropping their child off ten minutes early….they could totally do that. It might actually even be easier for them insofar as commuting goes. They’re not really gaining any childcare or commute time by dropping their child off to then immediately walk the rest of the way to school with your child.

They drive past the school to get to our house.
School starts at 8.40. DD leaves at 8. DS is planning to do the same.

Also I've done something similar in primary school & it just ended up being a PITA.

At the time I wasn't working so was ok. But actually over time the parents became more and more expectant as they were busy working.
I understand secondary is different but actually I didn't offer my time, it's been taken

I also feel quite disrespected that I wasn't part of the conversation. It was a done deal.

OP posts:
Whenwillitallmakesense · 22/06/2023 23:53

I give up. Ridiculous. If its not going to fit into your busy day/making coffee/not wearing a bra, then just tell them that. It's not a huge problem to do that, is it? Or get your DH do it.

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