Page 2 | Partner making decisions without me

Jouleigh · 2023-06-22T20:41:55+00:00

So we have been looking around our son's new school. There are quite a few children from primary going to this school. One child is in a class without friends, all the others have 1 or 2. School have said once they have got a class there is no changing. My partner felt awful for our sons friend & said that he could come to our house every morning then they can walk together. We live a 10 min walk from school, they would have a 20 min drive, possibly more depending on traffic. All four parents work, friends parents work very long hours or do shifts. My partner leaves early as long commute to London. I work for home but start before the kids would need to leave. Am I being unreasonable to be irritated that my partner has agreed to something that only affects me? I did something similar in early primary, parents kept dropping off earlier & earlier because reasons. Then it might be, I'm running late, can they walk to yours. We currently do similar with the childminder, but we pay her and have checked what works for her. I think what I'm mainly pissed off at is that my partner offered this without discussing it with me first? I'm the only adult who will be affected, but have had no say. Additionally our son is brilliant and was upset for his friend being alone. I checked to see if this was for the first few weeks, first term. Nope it was an open offer. They were great friends in primary until about Y4 them drifted apart. No longer invite each other to parties etc. What happens when they decide they aren't friends again and he is still turning up as his parents need the childcare/extra commute time? Apologies for the lengthy message, if nothing else it's been cathartic!

Solar86 · 22/06/2023 23:55

My DS (12) friend is dropped outside, friend knocks, DS goes out and they walk to school.
I'm sure after a couple of days this will be the same for yours.
We live 10 mins walk from school, yet they leave 40 mins before school starts and meet other mates outside the gate to chat, I doubt there will be any coming in the house...

Original poster

Jouleigh · 22/06/2023 23:55

Whenwillitallmakesense · 22/06/2023 23:02

If OP's child is ill, she takes 2 minute to call or text other parents to tell them to take the extra few minutes to drop DC straight to school. OP's som leaves for school same time every day, it's made clear that if they are going to be late dropping off, they take the few extra minutes to drop DC off straight at school.

OP is in no way responsible for getting other kid to school. He gets dropped off in time, they walk in together.

Thank you for getting it!

OP posts:

pasbeaucoupdegendarme · 22/06/2023 23:57

I think it might end up being a non event after the first few weeks, when everyone’s settled in and the other child has new friends. Here’s hoping!

Original poster

Jouleigh · 23/06/2023 00:01

Whenwillitallmakesense · 22/06/2023 23:44

The kid is getting dropped off, you don't have to invite parents in. And you've said you start work before DC leave for school so you'll already be up, dressed and ready for the day by time he gets dropped off, not making coffee in kitchen with your tits hanging low, will you?

Haha! Some mornings the second isn't far off!

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Original poster

Jouleigh · 23/06/2023 00:04

pasbeaucoupdegendarme · 22/06/2023 23:57

I think it might end up being a non event after the first few weeks, when everyone’s settled in and the other child has new friends. Here’s hoping!

Thank you, I really hope so.
I'm guess I'm just aware that they have been friends before then haven't been for a really long time.
They tend to avoid each other, I think it's a new school and any port in the storm.

OP posts:

LittleOwl153 · 23/06/2023 00:06

Your husband was wrong in this and has cause problems for 3 members of his family to stick his neck out for another kid.

Yes it is disrespectful to you to not include you in this.
It is disrespectful to your dd who I assume also did not volunteer and will likely get stuck with this kid or not help her brother as she'd planned.

And most importantly your DH is interfering in your sons friendships and start to secondary. Your son will nownfee obliged to 'look after'this kid who turns up at his house every day over making his own new friends at the start of term. What is your DH going to do is ds turns around and says I want to go and knock for X on the way to school... Will he insist this kid tags along or ds can't go?

Hopefully this will be a flash in the pan and no further arrangements will be made. I would not encourage your DS to engage in any conversation about it with the kidand hope it drifts before it starts.

God starting secondary is a nightmare enough without your dad interfering!

Whenwillitallmakesense · 23/06/2023 00:06

No, I'm sorry, I don't get it at all. The kid knocks at your door at 7.55, 3 kids leave house at 8 and walk to school together. You are not inconvenienced at all. One minute you're saying you'll already be at work before they leave, next minute you're saying you'll be in pj's, making coffee without a bra on (we all do it@).

But anyway, if its that bad an idea then you just say not convenient, or get DH to do it. Either way, it's just not a big deal, is it?

Original poster

Jouleigh · 23/06/2023 00:11

Thank you lovely people for all the replies, some helpful, others less so.

I do appreciate those who realised and focused on the fact a decision was made for me.
When I posted I possibly got entangled in all the negative possibilities that could happen.

It's unusual for us in general to made unilateral decisions. It's the sort of thing we would chat about and decide together. I possibly would have agreed but with a time limit to begin with to see how it went.

It feels like I now have no choice. By the time I knew so did DS, friend & friends parents. I was last to the party.

I could be the bad person that tells them that it isn't going to happen, but I shouldn't have to.
Also partner is now in bed snoring while I'm still really bloody annoyed!

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fridaynight1 · 23/06/2023 00:15

Show a little compassion, it costs nothing to be nice. A lesson you should be teaching your DC.
FFs it's the start of secondary school, they are 11 years old and starting big school which pretty much up there on the terrifying scale. This arrangement will probably only last a few weeks. You have older DC's surely you know that primary friendships change pretty quickly once they start secondary.

CrazyArmadilloLady · 23/06/2023 00:15

YANBU and frankly I’m not even sure why you’re on MN garnering opinions.

I’d be saying right back to DH that it wasn’t OK for him to do this, and can he now please sort it out. Do not go fixing this for him!

I would say to him that HE (not you!) can offer up a one-week period where they make their way in together, to help settle into the new school, if that’s helpful. But that’s it.

Original poster

Jouleigh · 23/06/2023 00:16

Whenwillitallmakesense · 23/06/2023 00:06

No, I'm sorry, I don't get it at all. The kid knocks at your door at 7.55, 3 kids leave house at 8 and walk to school together. You are not inconvenienced at all. One minute you're saying you'll already be at work before they leave, next minute you're saying you'll be in pj's, making coffee without a bra on (we all do it@).

But anyway, if its that bad an idea then you just say not convenient, or get DH to do it. Either way, it's just not a big deal, is it?

I work from home so all those are a possibility,
Think I did say that upthread.

That's perfect as long as child is always exactly on time/ 5 mins early.

Also my children would also have to be exactly on time.
In my experience so far that's not how life works. Things happen, people are early or late.

I don't know if parents will mind waiting in the car until my children emerge. I don't know that as I wasn't part of the conversation.

Also don't know if parents don't mind said child standing on doorstep no matter the weather.

OP posts:

CrazyArmadilloLady · 23/06/2023 00:16

fridaynight1 · 23/06/2023 00:15

Show a little compassion, it costs nothing to be nice. A lesson you should be teaching your DC.
FFs it's the start of secondary school, they are 11 years old and starting big school which pretty much up there on the terrifying scale. This arrangement will probably only last a few weeks. You have older DC's surely you know that primary friendships change pretty quickly once they start secondary.

The point is way up there ⬆️ a mile over your head, wishing by….

BuffyTheCat · 23/06/2023 00:20

DH can contact the other parents and apologise for the fact that it won’t work for you because he’d forgotten some aspect of your schedule … he doesn’t have to say that it’s because he forgot that you don’t put on your bra the minute you spring out of bed .

Seriously though: he was thoughtless. If he’s a decent human being he will fix it with good grace. If he objects, you have bigger problems.

Original poster

Jouleigh · 23/06/2023 00:24

CrazyArmadilloLady · 23/06/2023 00:15

YANBU and frankly I’m not even sure why you’re on MN garnering opinions.

I’d be saying right back to DH that it wasn’t OK for him to do this, and can he now please sort it out. Do not go fixing this for him!

I would say to him that HE (not you!) can offer up a one-week period where they make their way in together, to help settle into the new school, if that’s helpful. But that’s it.

@CrazyArmadilloLady

You are amazing, thank you

I've not posed for a while and forgot how people pick at the tiniest thing rather than see the whole issue.

I do appreciate what you have said and I'm planning on doing something very similar!

OP posts:

Original poster

Jouleigh · 23/06/2023 00:32

BuffyTheCat · 23/06/2023 00:20

DH can contact the other parents and apologise for the fact that it won’t work for you because he’d forgotten some aspect of your schedule … he doesn’t have to say that it’s because he forgot that you don’t put on your bra the minute you spring out of bed .

Seriously though: he was thoughtless. If he’s a decent human being he will fix it with good grace. If he objects, you have bigger problems.

Thank you @BuffyTheCat

Usually isn't this thoughtless at all. I think possibly is annoyed about coming up with a cunning plan and didn't think about the fact I would be the only one home. Which makes it only my problem.
Also knows that I won't be fixing it, just not acknowledged it yet

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NotBotheredAnymore · 23/06/2023 00:36

To those commenting on my "what happens if your kid is ill" the last thing you need or want is to try and call someone who may or may not pick up their phone, whilst trying to call the school and/or Dr after a sleepless night. It happens and it's shit.

If the kids get on then fine. If all the kids are all punctual and reliable then fine. This didn't happen for me and after six months of grief I had the horrible job of saying no more to the parents. OP, if you don't want to do it (for any reason) it's better to say no now. If the kids naturally gravitate to doing it by themselves in a few weeks then that's their business and a natural way for them to grow up but don't have an agreement with the parents.

AnObserverInThisDarkWorld · 23/06/2023 00:45

He probably didn't see how it would affect you being as it's going to be: knock door, bye DCs, carry on your life

Codlingmoths · 23/06/2023 00:46

My Dh would now be doing mornings. His offer, his obligation 😁

ChopperC110P · 23/06/2023 07:39

To those commenting on my "what happens if your kid is ill" the last thing you need or want is to try and call someone who may or may not pick up their phone, whilst trying to call the school and/or Dr after a sleepless night. It happens and it's shit.

No it’s the first thing I did- called or messaged the other parent. We have school age children we are not sleeping in on a school morning FFS. If my child walked with your child to school and your child were ill, just message or call. Guaranteed I will be up to answer the phone or message you back. It’s the polite thing to do. It takes less than a minute.

Schools these days have ways to report absences online or via a recorded message you leave- takes 1-2min.

And if you do this at 7:55am you will have 2mins left before trying to call the GP, although to be honest, most illnesses that keep children off school for a day or few do not require the GP.

ChopperC110P · 23/06/2023 07:41

AnObserverInThisDarkWorld · 23/06/2023 00:45

He probably didn't see how it would affect you being as it's going to be: knock door, bye DCs, carry on your life

I’m still not seeing how it affects OP…so I’d agree her DH probably doesn’t think it affects her either.

ChopperC110P · 23/06/2023 07:42

ChopperC110P · 23/06/2023 07:39

To those commenting on my "what happens if your kid is ill" the last thing you need or want is to try and call someone who may or may not pick up their phone, whilst trying to call the school and/or Dr after a sleepless night. It happens and it's shit.

No it’s the first thing I did- called or messaged the other parent. We have school age children we are not sleeping in on a school morning FFS. If my child walked with your child to school and your child were ill, just message or call. Guaranteed I will be up to answer the phone or message you back. It’s the polite thing to do. It takes less than a minute.

Schools these days have ways to report absences online or via a recorded message you leave- takes 1-2min.

And if you do this at 7:55am you will have 2mins left before trying to call the GP, although to be honest, most illnesses that keep children off school for a day or few do not require the GP.

Of course, in my mind….it’s the DH that is doing the messaging not the OP as he set up the school walking buddy thing.

Anyfeckinusername · 23/06/2023 07:56

I'd be very annoyed too OP and I totally get it!

I think it's very hard to row back on arrangements like this once they're made. But first opportunity you get (some change to someone's routine) pounce on it!

The other kid might also want to be dropped straight to school after a short while.