If you have therapy, did you ever struggle with feeling vulnerable?

[Fullcupoftea]

Maybe struggling is the wrong word exactly, but I'm having difficulty putting my finger on what I'm trying to articulate.

My therapist is good, very kind and very professional. I think going to therapy is helping me, awesome.

But - I'm about six sessions in and now starting to feel uncomfortably vulnerable and a bit...silly?! Almost embarrassed and self conscious?

It's like there is a surprising amount of emotional intimacy that I have no template for because the therapy relationship is very different to personal relationships with family and friends.

I'm aware of transference. It's not erotic transference, and I'm reasonably sure it's not maternal transference either because I definitely don't wish the therapist was my mum. Though I am in therapy because of painful issues around my mother.

What is my confused brain doing, any ideas? Has anyone else experienced any similar confusing feelings of awkwardness and vulnerability in therapy?

It's like therapists can see into your soul when you talk to them openly and bluntly, it's abit unnerving

A bit

I would suggest that you say exactly this to your therapist. Your feelings are completely understandable and I can relate with them. The therapy relationship is bloody odd, and doesn't fit with any of the other social 'rules' we pick up through life. But if you're feeling uncomfortable, that's going to get in the way of the work, so address it head on. I'm sure your therapist will have had similar conversations with their clients many times before

Also maternal transference isn't just about wishing the therapist was your mother. It can be about projecting your experience of your mother onto the therapist, so that you interpret the therapists words/tone/presence through a lens that's clouded with how you see your own mother and how she's treated you in the past.

As a simplistic example, If you had a critical mother, you would be more likely to hear criticism in what the therapist says, where it wasn't intended.

Or, another simplistic example that be might helpful, if your mother was (emotionally or otherwise) not as available to you as you needed, then your transference might lead you to wonder (unconsciously) how a therapist could possibly be interested in the minutia of your thoughts, which makes you uncomfortable with the speaking them

Hmm interesting, thank you @HollyBookBlue HollyBookBlue. I'm sure I am projecting all sorts of rubbish onto the therapist, just not sure exactly what as it's not all stuff about my mum. But possibly aspects of it are, because for reasons not my mum's fault, I wasn't always able to express vulnerable emotions with her either.

I hadn't considered that could be a form of maternal transference - I thought that was the poor people I've read about where they literally wish the therapist could be their mum and adopt them which makes my toes curl with second hand embarrassment

That just makes me want to stop going tbh. It seems like a complication I don't need on top of the reasons I was actually going in the first place.

Very frustrated, as I felt so relaxed and comfortable to start with and like I was on equal footing. I don't want to feel stuck in a bizarre imbalanced dynamic where I project all my mum stuff onto some random professional who's just doing their job.

Oh, I'm so sorry you feel like that. But honestly transference isn't a complication. It's not something to wish wasn't there. It's a huge part of the therapeutic relationship. Important therapeutic work can be done with it, which might not get worked through without it. Transference exists in every day life, we treat/react to our friends, husband's, kids in the way we do because of our relationships and early experiences with our parents. Within the therapeutic relationship, it's just thought about more. It's normal, and nothing to be embarrassed about.

...project all my mum stuff onto some random professional who's just doing their job

Accepting, recognising and interpreting your transference is literally the therapists job! That's what makes the difference between speaking to a therapist or a close non-judgemental friend.

Please go back and tell them how you feel about all of this. Read out what you've written here if you want to.

It's a natural part of therapy. The relationship is pretty unique and vulnerability does feel uncomfortable. You'll go through phases of being insecure or embarrassed and eventually will settle into a dynamic where you can discuss anything without so much as a blush.

This is completely normal and uncomfortable. I would describe it and discuss it. But it's an uncomfortable process sometimes.

Your uncomfortable feelings show that you are getting to the nub of the issue
It's hard to articulate because you've never given it a voice before
It's a process a good old therapy word that but it's true
Stick at, 6 sessions isn't a long time just imagine how things might look after 6 more
Therapy isnt supposed to be easy, it's supposed to be the safest place there is where you get to say anything you want without judgement

Thank you for the further replies.

I'm not sure I can discuss this tbh. I just don't understand how it could help?

Is the idea that we bring stuff that is hard to talk about "into the light" for want of a better phrase, and then it loses power somehow and has less potency to cause painful feelings in us?

I feel dim as don't really understand. I've been really candid in saying the details of the relationship with my mother and how it's affected me, I've cried a few times, and was ok and unconcerned and not embarrassed. But now it seems like now the therapist isn't a proper stranger anymore, her seeing my pain magnifies it in me and I get embarrassed about it being seen.

Why is it all changing now? It doesn't make any sense at all?

Must say I really liked going to therapy when it felt kind of like having a personal cheerleader who was encouraging me as I started a couple of new projects, it was boosting my confidence and felt great.

But this is excruciating and maybe I'm not ready. But the reason I'm going now is because I'm hitting 40 and hoped that it would be a great thing to do for myself going into the next decade!

Maybe I just need to simmer in my own insecurities and discontent for another ten years or so

It maybe that the therapist embodied what you would have liked to have with your mum
Now she represents your real mother as she gets closer to what the real darker issues are
So she's no longer your ally but someone who you feel subconsciously is seeking to harm you
This is transference and perfectly normal, she will know what's going on in the room

The therapy relationship isn't an equal one...

Discovering that and then coming to terms with it is one of the major pieces of emotional work a patient has to do.

It does pave the way for growth, however, and it is very profound to eventually discover that you can have a relationship where you are the small vulnerable person ... and that this is ok. That it isnt actually necessary to spend so much of one's energies defending against any emotional vulnerabilities whatsoever.

It sounds like the real work is beginning.

All that cheerleading stuff - not the real work. Albeit that it felt nice.

I was happy with the cheerleading though. It spurred me on to do two profoundly impactful things for myself that I'm really enjoying. My confidence has gone up, I am essentially happier and calmer because I finally bit that bullet and worked up the courage to do those things.

Is that really not an important part of what therapy can do? Would that be more the remit of a life coach, if I want that sort of support?

But now it seems like now the therapist isn't a proper stranger anymore, her seeing my pain magnifies it in me and I get embarrassed about it being seen.

It’s very powerful to be really seen and heard by another, accepting, presence. It can feel very exposing leaving you feeling very vulnerable, but experiencing your therapists acceptance of all of you can help you find self acceptance which in turn breeds self compassion.

It might also be worth thinking about how you are in close relationships- ie do you tend to hide, push down or deny feelings that you think might be unacceptable or challenging for the other, is that what’s uncomfortable here - that she might change her view of you if she sees all of you?

Therapy is much more than a bit of advice or cheerleading, it’s deeply therapeutic but also deeply challenging work, sounds like you’re on the right track.

Hmm - yes.

But my experience is that real deep inner strength comes from having been fully seen - in all your smallness and brokenness.

If you can do that there is no presentation or meeting or project at work that can terrify you any more 🤣🤣

I've found that my confidence at work has increase dramatically.

Basically because nothing at at work can ever be as terrifying as having to really look at myself with my therapist and talk to her about my deepest most infantile feelings and desires.

But anyway - each person has to find their own path in it. It's not the same path for everyone. It's totally individual. Best of luck.

It does pave the way for growth, however, and it is very profound to eventually discover that you can have a relationship where you are the small vulnerable person ... and that this is ok. That it isnt actually necessary to spend so much of one's energies defending against any emotional vulnerabilities whatsoever.

I don't really understand this either tbh. Why would it be a good thing to actively embrace being a small vulnerable person?

I mean, I'm in a very loving and mutually supportive marriage. We are emotionally vulnerable with each other, as two adults in an adult relationship.

I'd also say I can be appropriately emotionally vulnerable with my best mate, in the right context.

But beyond those people I trust, I definitely don't want to expose any serious vulnerability. Is that not that case for most people?

Like, there's a certain element of vulnerability in everyday life things anyway like going for a mammogram for example. And I'm ok with that sort of thing - obviously I was worried when I had a lump, but didn't care about being vulnerable.

Am confusing myself now Not sure if I'm more or less messed up that I originally thought.

The cheerleading is great and it can help you to take action in areas of your life. But if you've had a problematic maternal relationship you may have difficulties with intimacy and feeling safe in close relationships. If this is true it stops you really being able to feel vulnerable in relationships, both platonic and romantic. Listen to/read Brene Brown on how important vulnerability is for us.

Your wish to avoid feeling vulnerable with others is why you are looking for reasons to leave therapy. But if you stick with it you'll work through those feelings with a safe person, your therapist. It will enhance your relationships going forward. If you wait another ten years you'll just kick yourself for the time you've wasted. Be honest with your therapist and work through your pain.

If you wish, you can alternate your sessions so you only deal with heavy stuff every other week and work on more coaching stuff the other times. Speak with your therapist and you can find a way forward.

Basically because nothing at at work can ever be as terrifying as having to really look at myself with my therapist and talk to her about my deepest most infantile feelings and desires.

Wow @BumpyaDaisyevna that's certainly a plus I wouldn't have thought of!

Being impervious to work presentations definitely is a superpower 😁

In my experience, yes. Because it was around this mark that I could really see myself, and someone else seeing me too.
Vulnerability is normal. Ride it through, it gets more comfortable...

I'm trying to take an honest look at myself, and the kicker is that finding this stuff hard means I probably should keep going back, but even writing my thoughts here is stirring up the same awful physical sensation.

I think what is being stirred up is the therapist reminds me of different nice, kind women from my own childhood who WEREN'T my own mother, such as friends mums or teachers. My own mother was not physically present for days or weeks at a time throughout my childhood due to very unfortunate events.

I remember the awful squirming panicking embarrassed feeling of wanting to get away from the kind empathetic gaze of nice women when I was a very small child. I just wanted my own mum and couldn't have her.

So...Perhaps this isn't maternal transference at all, but more the opposite. Something reminding me of that awful homesick feeling of wanting my own mum.

For those who know lots about the psychology of therapy - can you project aspects of several past relationships onto the therapist, all at the same time?

Or does it tend to be one significant relationship after the other that shows up as transference?

I've tried to read a bit online but didn't find anything about this. What I did find that surprised me was that you can get maternal transference with a male therapist and paternal transference for a female therapist.

I specifically wanted a woman therapist so I wouldn't project stuff from my shit dad onto some poor guy trying to help me in therapy! But seems like it could still show up anyway, with a woman.

Hi @Fullcupoftea. I can't help you because I am similarly a novice at therapy (just done 2nd session) but wanted to follow your thread because I have struggled with recognising I was vulnerable in the therapy room.

For me, I haven't actively sought therapy. I have it as psychotherapy supervision from my job (safeguarding children). I struggled with having 90 minutes and no structure or clues what to talk about. I ended up bitching about a colleague the whole time (who also sees the same therapist for supervision). Then cried because I would never, ever say outloud such unkind bitchy things. I was appalled how much of an unpleasant person I presented as to the therapist.

I told the therapist next session. She explained to me that I was feeling vulnerable, and it felt uncomfortable. Interestingly, I didn't allow myself to be vulnerable in 2nd session. I came prepared with a number of "safe" (ie not about me) things to discuss.

Maybe it will help you OP to have a session where you don't focus on the deep stuff? I now feel ready to ask my therapist in my third session why I felt so uncomfortable being vulnerable in my initial session.