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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not making space for them at the party

30 replies

Ducknjoke · 22/06/2023 20:22

My youngest DD is 4 next month, we are hosting a house/garden party for her nursery friends. I sent the invites out on Monday.

Today one of the mums stopped me at pick up, she has twins who are in my daughters room and another pair of twins in the 2 year room. They are new to town (Easter), she has twins who are similar age to my daughter who are starting school with her in September, another set of twins who must be coming up on 3 pretty soon, a daughter who must be just a year younger than them and a 9/10 month old. I believe she is a single mum, but other than the odd chat while waiting for the kids to come out I don’t know her well.
Well today she said thanks for the invite but we won’t be able to come. I’d only invited the twins who are in my daughters class. She explained that she won’t have childcare for the others. I told her I’d get back to her if we had space and she said she’d be grateful but understands if I can’t. I asked for her number and she gave me it.
I got home and spoke to my husband and he says we can’t allow 4 sisters who aren’t invited to come without others being annoyed that they can’t bring their other kids.
I feel bad but I know he’s right, if it was one kid or they were all babies I wouldn’t mind but the almost 2 year old and almost 3 year olds would no doubt want to join in with everything and once I’ve said yes to them, what do I do if another parent asks if they can bring their other kids, our garden isn’t massive. We’ve invited about 24 kids all together already.
I feel so bad that these little girls will miss out but I don’t know what to do.

AIBU cruel not making space for them? I feel awful

OP posts:
User1438423 · 22/06/2023 20:25

Can't you just suggest she drops them off? I'm sure all the adults in attendance can help keep an eye on just two extra children between you all.

Nanny0gg · 22/06/2023 20:26

You are allowed to make decisions based on the circumstances

She's new. She's not pushy and others may have childcare

I'd let her come

LivingDeadGirlUK · 22/06/2023 20:27

It sounds like its not going to work, I can see your husbands point of view. If you would like the kids to play you could invite them for a playdate some time. Or offer for her to drop off if you have enough adults to keep an eye on them.

Callyem · 22/06/2023 20:28

I chose YABU but more to say that I personally would accommodate, rather than you are ACTUALLY unreasonable.

I think as it is a garden party and therefore you are not paying per head, it could be accommodated under the circumstances. If others asked I would simply say no sorry, we are now maxed out. I would accommodate mostly because she is new to the area and sounds like she has her hands full!

NotBotheredAnymore · 22/06/2023 20:29

We’ve invited about 24 kids all together already.
Honestly that's more than enough for a party at home, it's verging on unsafe. I have a largest home and I wouldn't be able to cope with that many in my house and you have to have a backup plan for if it rains. 24 kids sitting in a classroom is totally different to 24 hyped up and sugar crazed in your house with breakables. It's okay to say no, you already have too many.

Bluebiscuits · 22/06/2023 20:29

If there isn't room at the party, could you ask them over a different day instead for a playdate?

Raindropsarefallingheavily · 22/06/2023 20:29

Wow that woman needs an extended invite and a glass of wine! I thought it was just me who had a bunch of dc under 5!! (back in the day!)

TheYearOfSmallThings · 22/06/2023 20:30

It's fine - everyone can't bring four extra siblings. It probably would have been best to say "Ah that's a shame, but thanks for letting me know" and left it at that.

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 22/06/2023 20:32

I think it's fine too. 24 DC is more than enough already. You can always suggest going to the park another time.

ComtesseDeSpair · 22/06/2023 20:32

You’re hosting the party and it’s your decision who you allow to attend. Who gives a shit if some other parents get annoyed because they don’t think it’s “fair” they can’t bring their other kids? It’s not up to them to decide whether or not the decisions of the person hosting and paying for the party are “fair.”

It’s entirely up to you whether you do allow her to bring the other DC, but don’t let what other entitled people might think about it be the deciding factor.

Lcb123 · 22/06/2023 20:32

I’d just say she can come, why do you need to ‘make space’ if it’s at home.‘I’m sure shell appreciate it

LaMaG · 22/06/2023 20:34

Bluebiscuits · 22/06/2023 20:29

If there isn't room at the party, could you ask them over a different day instead for a playdate?

Yes and tell her she can bring them all and stay for a cuppa. Poor woman probably needs a valium too. I think it's really nice that you are being so thoughtful about this 😊

redskytwonight · 22/06/2023 20:37

At 4, they surely can come to a party without a parent?

(I'm amazed the mother has the energy to do anything with that number of small children).

Sugarfree23 · 22/06/2023 20:43

24 kids plus adults is a lot of people in a house. You have to consider how many toilets you have too. Remember some children that age can be very last minute - need to go and need to go NOW!

What you could consider is asking if she wants to drop the invited children off.
But no its not unreasonable to say no to an extra 4 kids at a party.

Namechangedagain20 · 22/06/2023 20:47

I would see if you get a few people say no and then if there’s room say she can bring them all, but not if it takes you over the number you’ve planned for. Or offer to have her drop them off and you watch them so she doesn’t need to be there.

Whowhatwherewhenwhy1 · 22/06/2023 20:51

I would just suggest she drops them off for the duration of the party. In these circumstances I would happily watch them.

IamstilltheWalrus · 22/06/2023 20:52

We’ve invited about 24 kids all together already.

24 three and four year old in your own house.

I hope the parents are not all CF who drop and run 😂

gabsdot45 · 22/06/2023 20:53

How many kids does she have. I counted 10 in your OP.

EllaRaines · 22/06/2023 20:55

I wouldn't invite the siblings of the children that are invited to parties. We had someone just bring their younger child, a teething baby and the infant screamed and screamed the whole time.

Original poster
Ducknjoke · 22/06/2023 20:57

I highly doubt she would drop them off and leave. That’s not the done thing in our area until maybe Y1/2. I also wouldn’t feel comfortable, I don’t know her children, and I doubt any of the other parents do she keeps herself to herself, so if there was misbehaviour or tears or fall outs I wouldn’t be equipped to handle it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ducknjoke · 22/06/2023 20:58

gabsdot45 · 22/06/2023 20:53

How many kids does she have. I counted 10 in your OP.

6
twins who are 4ish
twins who should be coming up 3 in the next month or 2
a almost 2 year old
and 9/10 month old.

OP posts:
Spirallingdownwards · 22/06/2023 20:58

I agree that if she is new to the area maybe suggest they come to tea another day

TeaKitten · 22/06/2023 21:02

If you’ve got parents staying for the other 24 you’ve invited then you can handle the twins between you, it’s a party! I’d tell her to drop off and if she doesn’t want to it’s up to her.

Opaque11 · 22/06/2023 21:02

6 kids in 5 year, poor her! It would be a bit crazy to have 4 other kids there 2 of which would most likely want to join in everything. She sound like she understands.

EmeraldFox · 22/06/2023 21:09

I was going to suggest she drops them off but I've seen you aren't comfortable with that. I'd offer for them to come to play another day. They are only young, plenty of parties ahead of them and they should be able to be dropped off from next year.