If you’ve learnt to love yourself after hating yourself… how?

[3AndStopping]

I can’t keep trying to change. I’m tired. I care too much about what people think about me. Always trying to meet a standard conjured in my own mind. I so want to not care, to dance to my own tune and be confident and thriving and happy. Enjoy life and set a good example to my kids. But… How?

Your first responsibility is to yourself. Try to stop focusing on what you don't like, and think about what you do like. Be it your feet, your dancing, your cooking skills, friendliness, life is too short to waste it by hating yourself. If needed get some therapy, that definitely helps.

Exercise, especially yoga. Forcing myself to do things I wasn't entirely comfortable with but really wanted to do, like go to the theatre on my own. Get toxic people out of my life. Spend time in my own little zone relaxing with a book or some knitting. Big myself up as much as possible because no one else is going to do it for me or if they do, it's not their responsibility to. Congratulate myself for big and small achievements. Wear my best and most favourite clothes and jewellery all the time. Accept that I'm not perfect, but nobody is.

I was talked down from the top of a building by police and taken to hospital. That was when I realised that the way I felt about myself was genuinely life threatening. So I stopped calling myself a stupid cunt and a bad person and have felt a lot better since.

🌺🌺🌺

Lower your standards.

I so want to not care, to dance to my own tune and be confident and thriving and happy.

No-one is living this life. I promise. Even the ones who look like they are, they're not. Not consistently. It's too much. Everyone has their moments of self doubt, self criticism, lack of confidence, anxiety, boredom, worry, unhappiness etc.

Do your best in each moment and worry less about the bigger picture.

Remember that absolutely no-one on earth cares as much about you as you do. No-ones thinking over conversations you've had with them or thinking about what you wear or do or say. They're far too busy worrying about themselves.

Did form of meditation based on loving kindness. Thought of positive thoughts towards myself. Reprogrammed my brain basically.

5 comments in and I already feel less desperate, thank you. Genuinely 💐

What was this called, where can we learn about it?

https://www.wob.com/en-gb/books/sharon-salzberg/lovingkindness/9781570629037#GOR001483650

https://www.mindful.org/this-loving-kindness-meditation-is-a-radical-act-of-love/

Here you go x

I agree with PP above, exercise is really important. Also doing what you love. e.g. I'm creative so I do lots of art. Pursue your dreams.

Exercise. It’s so important for good mental health

Following as am in the same boat. I despise myself.

Don't wait for 5 years to lose that weight, get that paycheck, finish that degree. Start loving yourself now.

Whenever you drop something instead if "stupid cow" say "its ok hun we all make mistake"

Might explore mindful self-compassion by Dr Neff

Remove toxic people

Invest in yourself, clothes, education, skin care -- if you treat yourself with respect, others will too

At the same time, not everyone will like you and you won't like everyone. This is ok bc when you find someone special, it will make sense.

It's completely ok and congruent to stand up for yourself, say no, be assertive if someone is being rude to you AND still be a good person

Your job isn't to please everyone, but live life from a place where you'll be happy and better able to help people from a place of fulfillment not lack

I agree with much of the above.

Also, remember that sometimes you feel like it’s you that needs to change, but it’s actually your environment that’s the problem.

Do the people around you try to make you feel good about yourself? Or do they complain and tell you you’re not good enough? Are you trying to meet an expectation that no one could?

Is there something you could change - or look to change about your situation or environment - that might let you see things differently?

Well done you, you’re an inspiration and a superstar

Repeat after me, I look good and I feel great. (You don't have to believe it when your first start saying it 😉).

I'm sorry you're going through this, it's no way to live.

What helped me:

Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy

Learning about self-compassion

Understanding people pleasing and codependency

Getting diagnosis and treatment for a long-term undiagnosed ND condition

Sertraline basically.

I could have wrote something similar to this, having burst into tears this morning because I just don’t feel good enough. So although I don’t haven any solutions, I have some understanding of how you might be feeling. It’s very brave to be vulnerable and I hold hope for both of us and anyone else who has these thoughts. Hopefully we can cultivate the kindness and compassion we give so freely to others and start to be much gentler and forgiving to ourselves x

This is one of the best comments I've ever seen on here

@afain I look great and I feel great 🙏💅

I started by thinking about myself as a child and teenager, and how much I would, as an adult, want to give my child self a hug. It helped me think about how to comfort myself, and how, as an adult, I'm able to feel empathy and kindness towards my younger self. Still not great at doing it for my present self!

IMO it's not about 'loving youself' (which is piling expectation on top of expectation) but rather accepting yourself, flaws and all. None of us are perfect, we have to sit with our imperfections. Try to fix them or not or whatever. But we are who we are.

I am really into the calm app. There is a “master class” series on there about self compassion which might really help you. The woman also has a soothing voice so I listen to it to fall asleep sometimes which is an added bonus!