If you’ve learnt to love yourself after hating yourself… how?

[3AndStopping]

I can’t keep trying to change. I’m tired. I care too much about what people think about me. Always trying to meet a standard conjured in my own mind. I so want to not care, to dance to my own tune and be confident and thriving and happy. Enjoy life and set a good example to my kids. But… How?

That’s another bar to lower.

I suspect most people don’t really ‘love themselves’. Being ok enough with yourself is great!

As is recognising that we all feel annoyed or frustrated with ourselves sometimes. That’s very normal and not a sign that you’re somehow getting it wrong.

For me is been finding an exercise I love and EMDR therapy. The “interjections” of others have mostly left me and I’m enjoying working out who the real me is having didn’t s lifetime trying to be an “ideal” me. Recovery of your inner child is a great book. More American than British in style of writing (I assume the writer is American) but the exercises and concepts it suggests have been useful for me especially when coupled with EMDR.

A long time ago now, but I got a dog. I lived for him for a bit, then we both lived for both of us and we were so busy that life became rich and full around us.

I still don't uncomplicatedly like myself, but I like myself far more for having been his walker, cheese-provider, snuggler and friend.

What does loving yourself even mean? I have spent a lot of time over the years wondering and I have no answer…

Self compassion, Tara brach. https://www.tarabrach.com/trauma-sensitive-mindfulness/

i would say turn down the dial on other peoples views of you. You decide what you are actually like and you decide what you would like to be like (what you want to work towards). maybe write a list of your traits and skills. Eg. Fun, creative, kind.. whatever.
you don’t need to worry whether other ppl know exactly what you are like, you know and your view is the only one that matters. Plus other ppl are wrong, often.

I think it's helpful to keep in mind these feelings come and go in life. You may never be 100% how you think you should be with self love.

Exercise, friends, learning something new and being creative will keep your life happy.

Maslow's hierarchy of needs to fulfill self actualisation is helpful.

Hating anyone is pretty extreme OP. We usually reserve it for those who have harmed us the most or who we justifiably consider pretty despicable. What is it you've ever done that's so bad you need to be hated for it?
Most of us get disappointed with ourselves for one reason or another because none of us are perfect. But, objectively, have you ever done so much harm you're only worthy of your own hatred?

Give yourself a high 5 in the mirror every day. It feels completely stupid at first but it definitely does something after a few days.

I started reading and listening to Brene Brown and it changed my life. I was so used to trying to fit into a mold, I didn’t realize how lost I was in who I am. She says ‘Show up and let yourself be seen’ So it’s not about stopping worrying about what people think. It’s about living so fully in your own being that it doesn’t even matter to you anymore. I know people probably don’t like me. I don’t care anymore because I know I am a decent person.

Sertraline and macuna capsules from the british company help, also know that people are self obsessed and not caring about what you're doing. Don't make yourself smaller to fit in and be liked, I am ok looking and I would always try and put myself down and make myself small so people wouldn't think I am stuck up. Also ageing helps, ok I'm not so old but now in my 30s and feel better. Feel the fear and do it anyway, don't lose chances because if you don't go for something someone else will. Imagine you're in space looking down at the Earth and how many billions of people there are just insignificant specs, nobody is more important than anyone else and we only get one chance. I also imagine myself on my deathbed looking back on life and how it is so unimportant about what people think. Just go for it, enjoy life and love yourself!

I stood on the platform at the train station and just wanted to step in front of the next Gatwick express…don’t know what stopped me, I then called the crisis team. I truly hate who I’ve become, I hope the help I’ve reached out to helps me. It’s a dark place to be in 😔

Hi there, can I ask do you attend classes or is this an app? I'd like to try as I have poor mental health, I'm constantly anxious. Thank you

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Please look after yourself x

I’m not sure I “love myself” but I have learned to accept myself and the difference it’s made to my life is quite remarkable. I went on a therapy retreat - it was a last-ditch try with nothing to lose - and over the course of five days it turned my thinking completely round. The therapist was amazing, I can’t for the life of me put my finger on what it was that she did to make my thinking change so radically, but I actually came back feeling normal again after a good twenty years of being at rock bottom. It’s been nearly a year since I went, and I still feel ok, I can’t describe the relief after despising myself for so long!

@Chickenkeev IMO it's not about 'loving youself' (which is piling expectation on top of expectation) but rather accepting yourself, flaws and all.

I like that, thanks for posting.

I learnt I can choose to be happy despite what hurdles I go through in my life and then realised I can also choose to love myself. So instead of usually choosing others, I chose me. I realised I couldn't properly accept love from others until I loved myself. It's ok to feel down or anxious sometimes, and part of loving myself is to be kind and comforting to myself. To show myself compassion the same way I do to others. I believed I mattered just as much as the people that are important to me. Even if I didn't feel confident in that, I told myself I did and that's all that's required. Fake it until you make it. You become what you think you are.

Once you realise that you don't need the validation of others to feel complete and secure, you can begin to learn to love yourself.

Me too

I believe I am the same as you I have to pay my own back. Wear my best clothes and jewelry put on a face to face the world and secretly worry sick about what everyone else thinks about me and my family. It's sad but true I feel that if I don't do this then the haters get into my head with snide comments on my sense of dress and how much make up I wear because I tried to make an effort for the day every day I get the crap of the day said about me I'm generous with things I won't use any more so people say she's an idiot with her money. If I smile I get said what are you so happy about. If I go out people talk about me if I stay in all the time people talk about me. You know something? When their all talking about me there leaving some poor sod alone for a change. I try to hard to make friends being brought up in a different city and moving here. Some people break their own leg's to tell me what others are saying about me. I've got to the point where I just can't care anymore no friends to talk of and I just wanted one that I could be good to and they wouldn't hurt me. Every time I make a friend they borrow money and avoid me or steal out of my flat or talk about me or something I was always a people pleaser and I knew it. I just tried too hard the haters got there way and now I won't go out I've never been a drinker because of stomach ulcers due to stress. I just hide now nobody to talk to or care about me. It will take it's toll eventually.

Focus on yourself. Cut the negativity and disrespect from your life. Keep the kind and loyal people close. Don’t bother with anyone with bad energy. You don’t need to change yourself for anyone. Self care, respect and low tolerance for idiots is the way forward.

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Try the book ‘love yourself like your life depends on it’. Do every exercise and make sure you do it daily. It’s an amazing book which you don’t need to think about you just do what he tells you to do, so it even helps if you are in a really bad way.

Watch Brene Brown until you can recognise shame in yourself and others. When you recognise shame in others be very kind to them, try and make them feel better and then do the same to yourself when you recognise it in yourself.

Do small kind acts for people. If you like someone’s dress, tell them. If you see them do something well tell them. Try and remember what people tell you and mention it next time you see them. This can be painful if it’s not in your comfort zone. But it will increase your confidence.

Write a list of small things that you enjoy and try and do three of them each day. So maybe cup of tea in the garden. Or paint my nails. Or use body cream. Dance to x in the living room. Listen to x really loud. Or prune my garden. Meditate. Whatever you like but preferably low cost and some that take a few minutes.
Write three specific things you enjoy about each day - not ‘my morning coffee’ but watching the clouds drift by while enjoying my coffee in my favourite orange mug’ . Then after a month reread the specific things.