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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be worried it’s going to be horrible

43 replies

Icecolddrink · 22/06/2023 18:29

Due no 2 in the next 2/3 weeks, no1 is two and a half and in a real ‘no’ phase. No he doesn’t want a bath, no he doesn’t want to go in his car seat, no drink, no yoghurt, no mummy, no daddy.

No2 will be a newborn (of course) so up all through the night then no1 wakes between 5 and 6, generally a little closer to 5.

Worried how I’ll cope. I know people do but then … how …

OP posts:
Donotshushme · 22/06/2023 18:34

Just pick your battles. He's 2, does it really matter if he has a bath? Try bathing at different times of day. If he doesn't want yoghurt, give him something else. When he wakes early go downstairs and stick the tv on while you grab a few more minutes sleep on the sofa.

Do what gets you through the next few months.

chipswitheveryting · 22/06/2023 18:34

You have my sympathy, this stage is not easy x

dontknowher · 22/06/2023 18:35

It may be... some days. It may be blissful other days. When I had DC2, I found a newborn really easy... compared to a toddler! Obviously your first seems difficult because you have nothing to compare it to. But now you know more, there's so much worse to come lol.
Remember how much newborns sleep (in the day sorry).
Remember the toddler days don't last forever.
Remember you'll have a lovely close age gap which will pay off in the future.
Remember that they'll have eachother for their whole lives.

Original poster
Icecolddrink · 22/06/2023 18:35

Well yes but it is everything. Just a phase I know but I suppose the point is him saying he doesn’t want a bath does not mean he doesn’t want a bath! Grin

Just a bit worried as he feels like a very full time job and now I’m throwing another into the mix!

OP posts:
Original poster
Icecolddrink · 22/06/2023 18:36

Yes, keep the nice posts coming! All will be well … won’t it!? Shock

OP posts:
justanothermanicmonday1 · 22/06/2023 18:38

Also due in about 4/5 weeks OP, and have a toddler who is going through a real " I want mummy" phase! 🫣😬

AuntieJune · 22/06/2023 18:40

Like most things, it's much worse in the anticipation than the reality. Once you're in the situation, you can start to find solutions. Right now you're just sitting around feeling fearful.

It might be chaotic, it might be a struggle, you will have bad days. But you'll get through it and find ways to cope. You have only so much energy, just allocate it as you see fit. Perfection isn't possible, there will be plenty of times where you can't meet both their needs at once. In the long term, that's the benefit of having a sibling - you learn the world doesn't just revolve around you.

Worrying now won't help!

Geo42 · 22/06/2023 18:42

Yes of course it will. Don't get me wrong there will be bad days, but then there are always bad days you'll get through it all right and enjoy it mostly.

MissyB1 · 22/06/2023 18:43

In the “no” phase I just used to acknowledge what he said in a sympathetic but bright and breezy way, like “oh yes I hear you sweetie, that’s right” then carry on doing whatever it was that needed to happen.
As for managing a toddler and baby, routine was my best friend and saved my life.

BigBananaSplit · 22/06/2023 18:43

I have 20 months between my two. With my first I remember doing all the ‘tricks’ from 38 weeks as I was so eager for his arrival. Second time around with a very needy toddler who wakes between 5am and 6am and I legit got the fear in the last few weeks. I would have quite happily kept her in there for another 3 months because the thought of a toddler and a newborn was terrifying! It was all okay! I promise! I didn’t get to ‘nap when baby naps’ during the day like I did with my first, but other than that, it didn’t feel all that different.

MrsElsa · 22/06/2023 18:44

It was shit 🤷‍♀️

Luckily DH pulled his weight and dealt with the older one evenings/weekends. I had reduced down DC1 nursery days thinking I would look after both and save some money on mat leave.. nope. Had to sit in the waiting list to increase them again. Nearly had a mental breakdown.

Top tip is don't try to do it all, ask everyone and their dog for help / company / childcare / cooking / cleaning

Babdoc · 22/06/2023 18:48

I had 16 months between my two, OP. Word of advice - never ask the sort of questions which allow a “No” answer, from your toddler.
Example: “Please will you put your jumper on?” Wrong! Toddler: “NO!”
Instead: “Do you want your red jumper or your blue jumper?”
Toddler isn’t being offered a yes/no - they have to make a choice. They like the delusion of power - they are telling mummy which jumper! This pleases them much more. Simple but effective with my little horrors dear toddlers. They are currently in their thirties, and have been much more amenable for ooh, a couple of years now…!

Hardbackwriter · 22/06/2023 18:49

You will be ok! They all go a bit bonkers in late pregnancy - they know that something big is happening and people keep telling them that something important will change but they don't really grasp it so they act out. I found toddler and newborn a lot easier than toddler and being heavily pregnant, I promise.

wildfirewonder · 22/06/2023 18:49

I expect some parts will be horrible, some boring, some brilliant.

You'll likely cope because most people do, and if you don't hopefully you'll get good support.

The 'no' phase is trying but it is developmentally vital and also I confess it was at times so ridiculous I found it funny. We remember those tantrums with warm affection now - so however awful it is the likelihood is the pain will fade!!!

ChesterAndRaoul · 22/06/2023 18:50

I think it's probably a fairly common worry, especially when the are close in age and will both be in fairly difficult stagea for you. (Newborn and terrible twos)

Have you got a lot of support you can utilize in the first few months to help you get used to it?

With the "no's" I would make sure you are offering limited choices where you can, I.E Yoghurt or crackers? / Bath today or tomorrow?
And where you can't try to make the thing you are asking as fun as possible, I.E I bet you can't get your shoes on before I do or shall we race to see who can be ready to get in the car first.

It won't always work, but it will sometimes and that will take the pressure off.

The best thing I did for both my kids was to sort a routine as early as possible, I fed them both every four hours on the dot in the beginning, awake or not, until they started sleeping through the night. They both eventually cottoned on to the routine and it made things much easier.

Again that may not be something that works for you, only you will know, so it's just a suggestion 🙂

It's easier said than done but try to relax, it's not forever, you can do this!

Original poster
Icecolddrink · 22/06/2023 18:50

Doesn’t work @Babdoc . Just says no anyway 😂 ‘do you want your blue or red jumper?’ NO JUMPER 😂 I know - it’s the closed choice technique and it can work brilliantly, just not on my child Grin

OP posts:
wildfirewonder · 22/06/2023 18:53

Icecolddrink · 22/06/2023 18:50

Doesn’t work @Babdoc . Just says no anyway 😂 ‘do you want your blue or red jumper?’ NO JUMPER 😂 I know - it’s the closed choice technique and it can work brilliantly, just not on my child Grin

They probably don't need a jumper at all!

Some of us coped by trying less hard. I know I did. My kids are absolutely fine now, happy to wear a jumper and everything.

garoi · 22/06/2023 18:55

Everyone I know who had that age gap said the first year was awful, but it does pass so quickly that you barely remember it. And then you reap the benefits in a few years because the dc are close in age so they play with each other and you can leave them to get on with it.

reluctantlondoner · 22/06/2023 18:55

It was brutal for a while. But you will find your way. You will need to relax your standards or die trying. Take your breaks when you can get them. Get help if you can afford it. It doesn't need to be anything formal like nursery or nanny, even a local teenager for a couple of hours to read / play with the toddler can give you a bit of a breather. Have low expectations. If you make it through the day and everyone is still alive and vaguely sane, you've done well. Good luck xxx

Hardbackwriter · 22/06/2023 18:56

Icecolddrink · 22/06/2023 18:50

Doesn’t work @Babdoc . Just says no anyway 😂 ‘do you want your blue or red jumper?’ NO JUMPER 😂 I know - it’s the closed choice technique and it can work brilliantly, just not on my child Grin

Yes!! People endlessly told me that the solution was just to give him choices but he only had to figure out once that you can say no to both and that was the end of that...

Hardbackwriter · 22/06/2023 18:59

I can't promise you any of this OP but it is all true so may give some hope:
I found the first year with my second loads better than the first year with my first. I had been dreading the newborn but actually it made me realize why some people like it
DS1, who was a nightmare throughout a lot of my pregnancy, absolutely loved being a big brother and instantly was a lot happier
They are now 5 and 2.5 and playing together happily while I MN

WhatNoRaisins · 22/06/2023 19:13

My advice is proof the hell out of your living space and try and keep everything really simple to minimise stress. Accept that there may be more TV than you'd like for a bit too

mrwalkensir · 22/06/2023 19:13

A friend who had hers very young just advised us "it's like going underwater for another 9 months". Sounds negative, but it really took the pressure off!

headcheffer · 22/06/2023 19:14

I had this age gap! DD2 is now 7 months. It'll have it's tough moments, and it's beautiful ones too just like when you had only one baby to deal with!

ActDottie · 22/06/2023 19:26

He may change when baby 2 arrives. He may see baby 2 have a bath and then he may want one etc. I’d just say go with it and see how he reacts as it’ll be a big change for him too.