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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to keep my MIL at a distance

36 replies

Purplegherkins · 22/06/2023 11:49

My DH and I have been married for 8 years and have 3 DC and are happy in our marriage. My MIL lives on the other side of the country (no FIL in the picture) but has made it clear to me that she wants a closer relationship with me and wants, for example, us to visit more often and for me to phone her for chats, establish a 1-1 relationship with her etc. I choose to keep her at a distance and while I am very nice to her and go out of my way on visits to make her feel welcome and loved and talk her up to my kids, I leave all calls with her to my DH and don’t go beyond a good ‘surface relationship’. Most of the reason behind this is that I don’t support the childhood she gave my DH (there were beatings by her husband at the time, and violence between her children, and while she loves my DH she was an extremely passive mother who often did not support him seeking things outside the family, further education, travel etc) and now he is an adult she often upsets my husband with passive aggressive behaviour and is very clingy and emotionally manipulative. As a result we normally visit once a year and she visits us once a year. While she supports our marriage she clearly judges me a lot for not seeking out a closer relationship with her and bringing the family closer. DH is cool with my standpoint but is one for not rocking boats anyway. But I did wonder if I am being a bad DIL for not working harder to repair things. My own mother has questioned whether I am trying hard enough.

OP posts:
Raindropsarefallingheavily · 22/06/2023 11:51

Ime you are a perfect dm and that's all you need to be. Pandering to the wants of a not so nice woman isn't best for your dc is it?
I am sure your dh is correct in being happy keeping things as they are.

Jazzappledelish · 22/06/2023 11:51

What’s baffling is that you want any relationship with her j owing how she treated your DH

Jazzappledelish · 22/06/2023 11:52

she was an extremely passive mother who often did not support him seeking things outside the family, further education, travel etc) and now he is an adult she often upsets my husband with passive aggressive behaviour and is very clingy and emotionally manipulative.

I wouldn’t want such a person within the vicinity of my children

DisgustingBrother · 22/06/2023 11:53

I think you're absolutely fine to carry on as you are.

She's not your child, her wants don't trump your wants.

SnapPop · 22/06/2023 11:53

Even if there hadn't been the childhood issues, it's always up to you how close a relationship you want to have with another person, as long as you are polite and kind.

Soonenough · 22/06/2023 11:58

Not necessary . She can not force a closeness with you . She is not someone you would choose to be friends with. I had similar but I did not encourage her. However , I was always polite, civil , included her in the DCs events , sent cards and encouraged my DH and DCs to do the same.

Caroparo52 · 22/06/2023 12:40

YANBU.
Titally your choice.
I think you have the perfect balance of following your gut, and keeping the relationship open for the sake of the dc.
Well done.
Throw away any guilt.

Sigmama · 22/06/2023 12:48

If she wants to make amends I would

Holly60 · 22/06/2023 12:53

Was she in an abusive relationship OP? Obviously her priority should have been to prevent harm to her child but life isn't always that straight forward.

I also think people do change and do deserve a second chance in some circumstances.

She sounds like a woman with very low confidence but that doesn't make her a bad person.

Only you can judge if she has changed and if you think she perhaps deserves a second chance.

FictionalCharacter · 22/06/2023 13:01

Yanbu. Once a year each way sounds like more than enough.
If she was remorseful about how she treated your DH it might be different. But her pass-agg and emotionally manipulative treatment of him shows she’s still the same.
I have no doubt that if you allowed her to get closer to you, she’d start treating you the same way. It’s what they do and it’s probably the reason she wants to see more of you. She certainly isn’t offering any benefit to you.

Sicario · 22/06/2023 13:03

Your MIL has no claim over you and you don't owe her anything. Carry on as you are and keep her at a polite arm's length.

Sounds like she is very entitled and doesn't like people to have boundaries.

ThatFraggle · 22/06/2023 13:08

She probably had to do 'wifework' of being an extended-family-event Executive Assistant, and is cross that you 'get away' with not having to do it.

Pkhsvd · 22/06/2023 13:13

It’s interesting that there’s this expectation between a daughter in law and mother in law but not for men with their in laws. While DH chats easily with my mum when we see her it’d never occur to him to call her or arrange visits. Another part of life having sexist expectations in my opinion.
I have a good relationship with my mil because I like her as a person; if I didn’t or there were issues from the past then I would follow the same approach as you.

Original poster
Purplegherkins · 22/06/2023 13:14

I think the relationship she was in during DH’s childhood was abusive. DH doesn’t like to talk about it or give details so I do try to be understanding. None of this is easy. I can only go by the family as I have found them since meeting my DH (I never met her previous partner as he was long gone by then). I see extremely passive behaviour and a lot of guilt-giving on her behalf and a DH who had a very unhappy childhood.

OP posts:
Jazzappledelish · 22/06/2023 13:21

she often upsets my husband with passive aggressive behaviour and is very clingy and emotionally manipulative.

doesn’t sound too guilty to me

Iknowthis1 · 22/06/2023 13:32

Do you trust your own mothers judgement? She will have more background information on which to form an opinion than we do.

WhineWhineWhineWINE · 22/06/2023 13:39

You're entitled to have as much or as little a relationship with her as you want. I'd be careful about judging how she brought up her own family though, you weren't there so it's all second hand information and if abuse was involved it can't have been easy. Not liking who she is now is absolutely valid and fair, but that's a different thing.

DelurkingLawyer · 22/06/2023 13:56

As far as a closer relationship with the family as a whole, that’s for your DH to manage and it sounds like he is completely on board with low contact (rightly from the sounds of it given how she treated him as a kid).

As regards a close relationship with you: you don’t owe her that. You don’t owe her that even had she been a lovely person.

DisgustingBrother · 22/06/2023 14:05

Iknowthis1 · 22/06/2023 13:32

Do you trust your own mothers judgement? She will have more background information on which to form an opinion than we do.

What? Why would OPs DM have more knowledge of MIL than the OP does?

swimminginthesun · 22/06/2023 14:15

She may not have been a great mother but she was suffering from abuse herself. Without examples of the ways in which she has been clingy or emotionally manipulative it’s hard to say for sure but I think I’d be inclined to make an effort to build bridges. I would be wary but I would want to give her a chance.

Equalitea · 22/06/2023 15:43

It sounds like you’re treating her better than she probably deserves. Don’t get sucked into her wants for more.

Mylifeislikeaboatrace · 22/06/2023 15:48

I would do there very bare mimimium tbh, I don't do dramas, guilt tripping and ffs stop the fake crying / poor me nonsense, I'm putting the phone down walking out the door. I'm quite san froid.

Jazzappledelish · 22/06/2023 15:49

swimminginthesun · 22/06/2023 14:15

She may not have been a great mother but she was suffering from abuse herself. Without examples of the ways in which she has been clingy or emotionally manipulative it’s hard to say for sure but I think I’d be inclined to make an effort to build bridges. I would be wary but I would want to give her a chance.

That explains her past behaviour but the present?

Hankunamatata · 22/06/2023 15:50

Love my mil. We live nearish each other but don't feel the need to phone her weekly. Usually pop in once a week for a natter. I don't even phone my own parents weekly

stayathomer · 22/06/2023 15:54

yanbu, it is up to you but I (weirdly) feel the need to stand up for her- it sounds like she was a weak person either as a result of abuse or she just was anyway. We all like to think we’d turn mother bear for her kids but maybe she couldn’t/didn’t, then was needy not wanting them to leave her. Posters here are acting like she was abusive and I don’t think they can jump to that conclusion