AIBU to keep my MIL at a distance

[Purplegherkins]

My DH and I have been married for 8 years and have 3 DC and are happy in our marriage. My MIL lives on the other side of the country (no FIL in the picture) but has made it clear to me that she wants a closer relationship with me and wants, for example, us to visit more often and for me to phone her for chats, establish a 1-1 relationship with her etc. I choose to keep her at a distance and while I am very nice to her and go out of my way on visits to make her feel welcome and loved and talk her up to my kids, I leave all calls with her to my DH and don’t go beyond a good ‘surface relationship’. Most of the reason behind this is that I don’t support the childhood she gave my DH (there were beatings by her husband at the time, and violence between her children, and while she loves my DH she was an extremely passive mother who often did not support him seeking things outside the family, further education, travel etc) and now he is an adult she often upsets my husband with passive aggressive behaviour and is very clingy and emotionally manipulative. As a result we normally visit once a year and she visits us once a year. While she supports our marriage she clearly judges me a lot for not seeking out a closer relationship with her and bringing the family closer. DH is cool with my standpoint but is one for not rocking boats anyway. But I did wonder if I am being a bad DIL for not working harder to repair things. My own mother has questioned whether I am trying hard enough.

Yanbu

I wouldn't be pally with someone who wants to pretend that the past didn't happen. Like you I would take my husband's lead and be polite. Why do you care what an enabler of abuse thinks of you?

Totally not being unreasonable, op, but (while not excusable) her passiveness in not preventing abuse might have been to protect him from greater harm. This is often seen in abusive relationships, where for the spouse to step in would trigger greater violence (punishment) from the perpetrator.

Not to get into a debate, just adding some possible perspective.

Trust your instincts. You’re cordial and support a positive relationship, but for very good reasons, your DH is happy with two visits a year. And it’s up to him to call her if he wants in between. You don’t need to engage further, and I can see why you wouldn’t want to.

I’d also find a suitably dampening comment to have ready next time she makes an unnecessary comment to/about your DH. Why should she get away with being mean to him? As your children get older they will benefit from seeing mean comments called out.

Yes to be fair she herself never struck DH to my knowledge - it is more that she has never tried to support him in his endeavours or successes and tends to just sit around quite helpless. I do feel for her, to an extent, but equally I think she promotes a victim mentality in herself and seems to feel it is everyone else’s duty to save her/make things better/devote themselves to her needs. If she is the victim of abuse then I absolutely feel for her in that situation but to be clear that relationship ended 30 years ago and was not repeated.

I say she’s abusive on the example the OP gives of her current behaviour

now he is an adult she often upsets my husband with passive aggressive behaviour and is very clingy and emotionally manipulative. As a result we normally visit once a year and she visits us once a year.

You say she was passive during his childhood and oversaw her husband seriously abusing her son. Yes that could be a result of her being abused

but you say she is passive aggressive… now. You say she is emotional manipulative… now. She “upsets” your DH… now.

and there’s no abusive husband around

That is reason enough to keep your distance if that's what you want

She’s not been in an abusive relationship (if she was) for three DECADES and yet she is still abusing your DH by her passive aggression and manipulation.

I can’t fathom why you have anything to do with this woman.

although… twice a year so not much really thankfully are your children around her

She manipulates your husband and is trying to do the same to you. I think you’re quite right

My own mother has questioned whether I am trying hard enough.

This is the most bizarre thing about your post!

I can understand what the MiL wants (not that I would do it!)
I can understand why your DH-having had the upbringing he’s had-is scared to rock the boat.
I can understand why you want to have little to do with her.

I don’t understand why your own mother things you should be doing more to placate a woman like that!

It sounds like you're handling it really well all things considered - keep on as you are.