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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I can’t stay; he won’t go. WTF can I do?

42 replies

1400spincycle · 21/06/2023 23:36

I want to leave an area I have grown to hate. In the Spring DH also said he was ready to move and go for a new life in a different part of the UK. For both our MH. I have planned the move, found a new job in my head I am counting the days. Now he has changed his mind. I can’t stop crying. I can’t bear the sight of him.

We have 2 DCs. I can leave DH but it would be almost impossible to stay round here financially on my own. I could afford to live separately if I move to the new area. But if DH won’t leave here it would be impossible neither of us would accept less than 50/50 with kids but the new area is way too far away to share custody.

I have coped with the last 5 year by being on medication (anti depressants) but I am so fucked off with needing them just to cope with DH and living in this shitty area. There isn’t any point of moving more locally.

Am I stuck for another 10 years ?

OP posts:

Whenwillitallmakesense · 21/06/2023 23:38

Why did he change his mind?

Surprisedbysummer · 21/06/2023 23:44

There is a saying ( that has some truth in it), that wherever you go, you take your troubles with you. Might it be your mental health problems that are causing you to hate your location rather than the other way round?

Original poster

1400spincycle · 21/06/2023 23:48

He has got wet feet because he isn’t sure he wants to try and get a new job. He thinks he might not get as good a salary or secure job as he has now. (We are financially secure - mortgage free - and could easily manage on a lower income if needed) we had already discussed this as when he originally agreed to move

I think it’s also laziness on his part - he will have to pull his finger out to make arrangements to go as we have a looming deadline of a DC heading towards secondary school. If we don’t go now then we will be stuck for 10 years.

OP posts:

Ponderingwindow · 21/06/2023 23:50

Expecting a place to make you happy is likely to lead to misery.

momtoboys · 21/06/2023 23:54

I’m confused. You have a job in the new place or you have a job in your head? I’m

Original poster

1400spincycle · 21/06/2023 23:55

I have a job lined up in the new place. In spring DH and I made firm plans to make the move. We were just about to put the house up for sale…

OP posts:

Whenwillitallmakesense · 21/06/2023 23:55

So you found a home (bought? Sold current house?), found a job, arranged for DC to move schools in September and now he's refusing to move? Where are you all going to live? What are you going to do about your job? Will you have to now arrange DC to attend local school?
Honestly, if it's all been agreed and arrangements in place, I'd just go and leave him to it. If he's that concerned about losing you and kids, he'd move with you

cassiatwenty · 21/06/2023 23:55

Surprisedbysummer · 21/06/2023 23:44

Sorry but that's really really untrue and irresponsible thing to say to someone in a hard situation.

How many different places have you lived in?

HouseIsOnFire · 21/06/2023 23:56

Ponderingwindow · 21/06/2023 23:50

Expecting a place to make you happy is likely to lead to misery.

I think it depends on what's making you miserable in the old place no?

I moved to entirely new area last year south to north and was the best thing I could have done, finally feel like I'm living life!

cassiatwenty · 21/06/2023 23:57

Surprisedbysummer · 21/06/2023 23:44

Who authorised you to hand trueisms online? I'm gonna need to see your license 🤣

Breezycheesetrees · 21/06/2023 23:58

Ponderingwindow · 21/06/2023 23:50

Expecting a place to make you happy is likely to lead to misery.

That's such a daft and meaningless thing to say though isn't it. Some places are great to live in and some are shit. There are many places which would destroy my mental health if I had to live there.

Zuyi · 22/06/2023 00:01

I have coped with the last 5 year by being on medication (anti depressants) but I am so fucked off with needing them just to cope with DH and living in this shitty area.

What do you mean by cope with DH? What other problems are you having with him?

What is it about the area that makes it so shitty?

Ponderingwindow · 22/06/2023 00:09

There are plenty of places that are unsafe, where people face challenges with necessary resources, or lack basic rights, and those places can definitely make a person unhappy.

OP is placing such stock in a new place being the key to mental health that she is considering the possibility of breaking up a marriage and family. if she isn’t currently in a place where she faces some direct threat, it is a big leap to assume a new place will fix the problems.

I have lived many places. Some I have not particularly enjoyed, but I have always managed to find something to like about each of them and to build a life for myself.

i wrote a pithy one liner when what i should have done is say to OP that it is unlikely this move will be the cure-all you are looking for. Financial security is also a huge factor in mental health and you shouldn’t be so quick to dismiss that consideration.

It is harder to move with kids in secondary school, but it is not impossible.

I hope you and your husband can come to an agreement. It won’t help with both of you treating the situation as catastrophic. It’s a move. Families make or don’t make them every day.

SkyandSurf · 22/06/2023 00:12

A friend of mine had terrible depression, she always blamed the house. She and her husband bought and sold four houses in six years (paying a fortune in stamp duty each time).

It wasn't the house.

OP, what is it about this place that will cure your depression? What is it about where you are that is causing it?

Begsthequestion · 22/06/2023 00:17

Ponderingwindow · 21/06/2023 23:50

Expecting a place to make you happy is likely to lead to misery.

And denying the fact that being in a certain place can make you unhappy is deluded.

SleepingStandingUp · 22/06/2023 00:36

I'd be giving 3 options.

You all go as planned, it's a blip, it's forgotten.

You and the kids go, he has a couple of months seeing them EOW or similar to get his shot together.

You stay and you begin divorce proceedings. He knows this place is making you ill, he's let you believe you'll move and now he's turned around and decided nah, we'll stay. That isn't love. Divorce, sell the house and work on moving. Kids can move school anytime.

Trying2understand · 22/06/2023 00:43

I had friends in this situation @1400spincycle . They eventually agreed that they would keep 2 places - a very small flat (rental) where dh works and a smaller home than they would have bought in the new place. Dh is allowed to wfh some days (can't remember specifics but something like Fridays/mondays) and travels down. As dc are now older (10/11)they are also talking about kids going up there 1 weekend/month independently. It's also been better for their marriage.

Surprisedbysummer · 22/06/2023 07:46

@cassiatwenty . I was a child of a military family. I went to a lot of primary schools, one for just a six week period. I went to three secondary schools. Until I bought my first house the longest I had lived anywhere was just under three years. It was really tough and I always hated new locations when we moved and then ended up happy just as we had to move again.
I have just witnessed a family move because the mother was convinced moving North and to a rural region would make her happy. The whole family including her is desperately unhappy and are looking to move again.

ReaIIyThough · 22/06/2023 08:19

I have coped with the last 5 year by being on medication (anti depressants) but I am so fucked off with needing them just to cope with DH

I'm not sure the area is your problem here

Original poster

1400spincycle · 22/06/2023 08:42

Yes. I clearly have a DH problem. Separating is clearly needed I guess I just can’t see a way of making that happen where we are. Our income does not stretch to 2 homes where we currently are.

OP posts:

Babsexxx · 22/06/2023 08:42

Just leave op this place sounds detrimental to your mh! I would tell him you either come with us or stay here but your not budging on this one!

Once you leave he will most likely follow suit tbh.

Testina · 22/06/2023 08:52

You’re already mortgage free at a relatively young age, you work, and you have children coming out of the most expensive childcare period - sounds like one Y7 in Sep, so maybe a couple of years of wraparound still for a Y5? So given the equity in your current house, the fact you are mortgageable and can living on one income - are you sure you can’t split, financially?

ReaIIyThough · 22/06/2023 09:04

If you're financially secure and mortgage free you can afford to live by yourself. Maybe not the area you were looking at because that won't work with 50/50 custody. But there must be hundreds of other places to choose from that will work.

greencheetah · 22/06/2023 09:09

Have you discussed with a solicitor? Given the situation, it might be possible for you to move with the DC to where new job is.

If he would really rather split than move, you need to get divorced so that finances and children’s issues resolved.

Don’t let him hold you back.

Original poster

1400spincycle · 22/06/2023 19:47

I’ve looked at the finances and can’t quite see how it would work? Assuming I would get half the value of this house ? Then the maximum mortgage on my salary itwould not get me enough for a 3 bed place here. Or within an hour … ( this is one of the most affordable areas in this region). Rent on a 3 bed is more than my take home pay?

how do other people do it?

OP posts:

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