I can’t stay; he won’t go. WTF can I do?

[1400spincycle]

I want to leave an area I have grown to hate. In the Spring DH also said he was ready to move and go for a new life in a different part of the UK. For both our MH. I have planned the move, found a new job in my head I am counting the days. Now he has changed his mind. I can’t stop crying. I can’t bear the sight of him.

We have 2 DCs. I can leave DH but it would be almost impossible to stay round here financially on my own. I could afford to live separately if I move to the new area. But if DH won’t leave here it would be impossible neither of us would accept less than 50/50 with kids but the new area is way too far away to share custody.

I have coped with the last 5 year by being on medication (anti depressants) but I am so fucked off with needing them just to cope with DH and living in this shitty area. There isn’t any point of moving more locally.

Am I stuck for another 10 years ?

I am in a public sector career and big pay rises are unlikely. DH earns far more.

Look at divorcing DH, and get a two bed in the new area, not a three bed. Get yourself a good quality metal-framed sofa bed and turn the living room into a bedsit for you. Put an extra wardrobe for you in one of the DC rooms if needed.

The DC will most likely want to spend nearly all their time in the kitchen (get somewhere with a kitchen big enough for a proper table) or their bedrooms - they should be too old for having toys out in the living room.

It will only be for a few years, until you build equity, advance your career, then move into a 3-bed again.

Look at a smaller house. Your kids are still young and will be perfectly fine to share a room for the next 5 years. Don’t forget that your soon-to-be-ex will also need to pay maintenance so this will top up your income as well.

It the current area which is difficult. To stay around for shared custody. In the new area there are many decent places within budget. His not moving keeps me here even we split up.

DD is 10. She will not be able to share with her brother for much longer.

Why does splitting up keep you in your current area?
You made all the plans, he agreed, you got the house, the job, the schools. What's stopping you going? Not all co-parents live in the same town. Hea being incredibly selfish, putting himself before you and DC. So you're going to halt all your plans because he's throwing a wobbly?

My friend’s kids are 15m and 17f they still share a room. I appreciate it’s an exception rather than a rule. Not sure how staying in the same area is necessary either. Having shared custody doesn’t legally tie you to your old area. Your husband can make a decision on how he is going to make it work. We had to move to a different city when my partner’s ex moved his daughter before she started secondary. We now live 45min away as opposed to 3h away and this was a choice my partner made to be with his child. If your husband can’t commit to the doing the same, it’s not your problem. He has his 50% share and it’s up to you what he wants to do with it.

*up to him

in theory this might be true. But I don’t think shared parenting could work with a 4 hour trip each way. H has always been a very hands on dad and is very close with DCs it is not fair to wreck that. To do so would make me the selfish one

Move and take the job.

You don't have to discuss divorce or anything.

He can come at weekends.

Play your cards close.

You have put up with your location for a long tie for facilliate him. It is your turn now.

How far is the new location from where you are now?

He promised he would move, you started planning, you did your part, found work and now His Highness changed his mind.

Not fair.

Then you answered your own question - you are stuck for another 10 years.

So you stay so he can be the selfish one? Or the one who gets his own way after promising something different?

I say this kindly, but if you stay stuck for 10 years then the resentment and atmosphere will be with you always, the DC will notice and sense the atmosphere which, in my opinion, is worse than having a parent you can only see at weekends. But that's just my opinion and of course you must do what you think is right for you and your family

No man, not even Jason Statham or MR Darcy, is worth a decade of your life.

This is a tough one but reading between the lines, I think you have made your decision and need affirmation. You aren't happy, its clearly not just the area, its the relationship to and you have considered child custody issues. You can't afford to be a single parent in the current area - end of! You need to move. Stick with the plan, get marriage counselling in the meantime to confirm if he is coming with you. Hedge your bets and leave yourself with the single or joint parenting living in the new area. Maybe even apply for social housing in the new area on the grounds you are separating and have a job to go to. Nothing is set in concrete.

I do not agree that this would make you the selfish one.

Both your and your DH’s needs are important. If you are deeply unhappy then you are not as present for your children as you could be. If the place you are now makes you truly unhappy, and if being in a couple with your DH also makes you unhappy, then moving away may actually be the best thing for your children, even if the coparenting is more difficult.

Of course this would present your DH with a difficult choice of seeing the children less, taking on primary custody and having more responsibility, or moving closer to where you are going.

But, he also is presenting you with a difficult choice by reneging on his previous agreement to move.