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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Awkward friendship group situation

53 replies

Friendly19 · 21/06/2023 20:09

I have a group of friends, 3 women. We meet up a lot, talk most days etc etc.

I have another friend who is not part of the above "group" not because of any falling out, just doesn't move in the same crowds, she has her own friendship circle. We don't hang out with the same people but we are good friends and have been for a long time. I'll call this friend A.

One of the 3 women in my friendship circle has met another woman ill call her B. She has started being invited a lot to outings with the group and is becoming more and more involved with everything we do together as time goes on.

The problem is that A & B do not like each other whatsoever. There have been some things gone on in the past between them which I won't go into now and they just don't have a good relationship at all.

I'd never spoken to B before she started coming out more with us after becoming friends with one of the other women and whilst I'm not rude or anything obviously and am friendly to her when we're together, I'm not close to her either. The problem is A is now upset that I am "hanging out" with B and is being off with me about it despite me saying we aren't best of friends, she just knows one of my other friends and so invited by them sometimes.

I feel very awkward now and like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. B has never done anything to me personally and I still don't know her that well, it's never me that invites her out but I'm also not going to be rude or standoffish with her when my other friend is close to her. But then I also feel bad for A that I'm now seemingly hanging around with and being chummy with someone who she has had big issues with in the past.

(Fwiw B does know that I am good friends with A).

What do I do?!?!?

OP posts:
MrsPoliportsGoose · 21/06/2023 20:10

What is the AIBU?

Qbish · 21/06/2023 20:11

Why not just see A a bit more. And also, subtly, let her know that your boundary is her telling you who you can and cannot hang out with.

Trixiefirecracker · 21/06/2023 20:12

These A and B threads do my head in. Can we not just give them names?

IamnotSethRogan · 21/06/2023 20:12

You're an adult women. Do what you like.

Aquamarine1029 · 21/06/2023 20:13

A is being totally unreasonable, manipulative, and controlling.

Original poster
Friendly19 · 21/06/2023 20:13

Trixiefirecracker · 21/06/2023 20:12

These A and B threads do my head in. Can we not just give them names?

Okay, Angela and Beatrice don't like each other. Beatrice has been coming out more and more with my other friendship circle and now Angela is upset with me because of it despite me not being the one inviting Beatrice.

OP posts:
drpet49 · 21/06/2023 20:14

It depends why A & B fell out in the first place. Without knowing this I can’t give an opinion on the matter.

Original poster
Friendly19 · 21/06/2023 20:15

drpet49 · 21/06/2023 20:14

It depends why A & B fell out in the first place. Without knowing this I can’t give an opinion on the matter.

It involved Beatrice and Angela's ex bf at the time (but it was a number of years ago now).

OP posts:
Womencanlift · 21/06/2023 20:16

If it was a number of years ago then they should both grow up and realise they can’t control who people speak to

Kingdedede · 21/06/2023 20:16

Yeah Angela needs to grow up.

jellyminelli · 21/06/2023 20:17

A needs to grow up. Invite her along.

WhatNoRaisins · 21/06/2023 20:18

Unless Beatrice did something extremely awful Angela needs to let this go.

ChesterAndRaoul · 21/06/2023 20:18

All you can do is explain to A exactly this, it's not at all fair to hold a grudge on someone else's behalf, and you said yourself that it's not like you're becoming best friends... You're basically just being polite.

If she chooses to still be mad at you then honestly is it that much of a loss? She doesn't seem very mature.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 21/06/2023 20:20

What did Beatrice do to Angela in the past?

If nothing, then Angela is being unreasonable.

If Beatrice had an affair with Angela's husband and is now married to him and living in Angela's former home, then I can see why she would find it disloyal for you to befriend Beatrice.

tootiredtospeak · 21/06/2023 20:20

Depends what their history is. B cheated with A husband then your not being a good friend. If its something minor then she is being daft

TequilaNights · 21/06/2023 20:29

Ask Angela exactly what she expects you to do?

strawberry2017 · 21/06/2023 20:32

You are not teenagers in school. Be friends with whoever you want.

GooseyDiLoosey · 21/06/2023 20:41

This is a genuinely awkward situation. To be honest, I predict your friendship with A will suffer and A will distance herself a bit. What did B do?

ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave · 21/06/2023 20:44

We've got an alphabet cast, "let's call them Angela and Beatrice," and an OP refusing to give the salient details. Do you and the group do a hobby together, but you can't possibly say what as it would be outing? That would officially give you the most irritating thread ever.

SilverPeacock · 21/06/2023 20:51

It’s perfectly easy to understand. A needs to grow up and stop putting you in a difficult position

MrsLilaAmes · 21/06/2023 20:53

OP you say that A has her own friendship group, but I wonder if she does actually have a very close group of friends or if she considers you (one of?) her closest friend(s)? Some people prefer 1:1 much more than groups for making their closest friends. If that were the case, would that help to understand why she might feel wrong-footed by her very close friend suddenly spending more time with B than with her? Depending on the issues between A and B it might be that, although A can’t tell you how to spend your time, she could be in need of a bit of reassurance from a friend.

ClairDeLaLune · 21/06/2023 20:54

It’s not up to Angela who you’re friends with, she has no right to tell you that. Make sure you spend at least as much quality time with her as you do with Beatrice though.

Sunnyfeelgood · 21/06/2023 20:58

Angela doesn't get to control who you choose to spend time with. She is not asking you to cut off just Beatrice, she is asking you to lessen contact with your other close friends. This may be a little different if you were hanging out with B one on one, but you aren't, it is in the context of a group.

She doesn't have ownership over you and is being childish/unreasonable. But I guess people value different things in friendship. If she believes loyalty is the number one quality, then you will have a rough time getting through this no matter how many of us think she needs to grow up. Are you willing to give up C and D to maintain strong friendship with A?

BranchGold · 21/06/2023 20:58

I do think it’s relevant what the actual falling out was about, particularly if it involved known infidelity or something personally offensive to woman A.

Thinkingofmovingtosea · 21/06/2023 21:00

It would be interesting for you to find out what B's version of events about A is.... It might enable you to get a different perspective on A that you are not aware of... Likewise if you were to talk to A again about what happened exactly... A sounds like an insecure controller and in my experience insecure controllers tend to tell porkies about others so they can control. Get to know B a bit better.. form your own view... Maybe try to find out from the friend who invites B if she knows anything about the history between A and B. For example B might know a lot more about A's relationship with her Ex boyfriend & this makes A very uncomfortable.... The type of personality that you are describing for A is toxic & also narcissistic.... Beware these personalities triangulate a lot... Good luck the fact that A is off with you tells a lot... That's gaslighting