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AIBU?

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Original poster

Awkward friendship group situation

53 replies

Friendly19 · 21/06/2023 20:09

I have a group of friends, 3 women. We meet up a lot, talk most days etc etc.

I have another friend who is not part of the above "group" not because of any falling out, just doesn't move in the same crowds, she has her own friendship circle. We don't hang out with the same people but we are good friends and have been for a long time. I'll call this friend A.

One of the 3 women in my friendship circle has met another woman ill call her B. She has started being invited a lot to outings with the group and is becoming more and more involved with everything we do together as time goes on.

The problem is that A & B do not like each other whatsoever. There have been some things gone on in the past between them which I won't go into now and they just don't have a good relationship at all.

I'd never spoken to B before she started coming out more with us after becoming friends with one of the other women and whilst I'm not rude or anything obviously and am friendly to her when we're together, I'm not close to her either. The problem is A is now upset that I am "hanging out" with B and is being off with me about it despite me saying we aren't best of friends, she just knows one of my other friends and so invited by them sometimes.

I feel very awkward now and like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. B has never done anything to me personally and I still don't know her that well, it's never me that invites her out but I'm also not going to be rude or standoffish with her when my other friend is close to her. But then I also feel bad for A that I'm now seemingly hanging around with and being chummy with someone who she has had big issues with in the past.

(Fwiw B does know that I am good friends with A).

What do I do?!?!?

OP posts:
ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 21/06/2023 21:13

How does A even know you are interacting with B on other occasions?

Thinkingofmovingtosea · 21/06/2023 21:19

Think they all go out together right in 1 large group? If not then A is probably tracking you or is monitoring your social media ( nice)... maybe there's a lot more to A than you know :(

Original poster
Friendly19 · 21/06/2023 21:25

Beatrice ended up with Angela's Ex Husband for a while, no cheating, but Beatrice was not very nice about and to Angela during the time she was with her ex that's basically the jist of it. No secret hobbies or anything.

OP posts:
WhoWants2Know · 21/06/2023 21:37

To be honest, if A/Angela was someone I was close to and respected, I'd take her experience and opinions into account when deciding whether I wanted to go out in a group with B/Barbara. If you know B has history of acting like a dick, there's always a risk of becoming a dick by association.

I wouldn't say anything rude to B, I would just make excuses to avoid events where she's going.

Jesseweneedtocook · 21/06/2023 21:45

Are you 12 years old op?

Get back to your maths homework rather than posting on mumsnt. Isn't it bedtime now anyway?

Grow up.

Original poster
Friendly19 · 21/06/2023 21:54

Jesseweneedtocook · 21/06/2023 21:45

Are you 12 years old op?

Get back to your maths homework rather than posting on mumsnt. Isn't it bedtime now anyway?

Grow up.

Calm down.

OP posts:
Cantstandbullshitanymore · 21/06/2023 21:54

Qbish · 21/06/2023 20:11

Why not just see A a bit more. And also, subtly, let her know that your boundary is her telling you who you can and cannot hang out with.

The issue isn’t that she isn’t spending enough time with A but that A doesn’t want her hanging out with B because she has previous separate history with B.

@Friendly19 A is unreasonable as you’re not the one inviting B and you cannot dictate to your other friends to stop being friends with B so she needs to accept both fend ship groups are separate unless she expects you to dump your friendship group which would be very unreasonable of her.

SlightlygrumpyBettyswaitress · 21/06/2023 22:06

In your shoes I would tell A that B is part of a group of people that you hang out with. Reassure her that you would never discuss A with B or the group and in fact B has never discussed A

Legselevens · 21/06/2023 22:06

If b was awful to A and also got with her ex husband, I would be cautious of her. If I was A I too would be hurt that B was being accepted for her hurtful behaviour. But agree with other posters also that A can’t dictate who you are friends with. I would question as A, my level of friendship with you (thinking you were a closer friend when you were not)

GooseyDiLoosey · 21/06/2023 22:34

Thinkingofmovingtosea · 21/06/2023 21:00

It would be interesting for you to find out what B's version of events about A is.... It might enable you to get a different perspective on A that you are not aware of... Likewise if you were to talk to A again about what happened exactly... A sounds like an insecure controller and in my experience insecure controllers tend to tell porkies about others so they can control. Get to know B a bit better.. form your own view... Maybe try to find out from the friend who invites B if she knows anything about the history between A and B. For example B might know a lot more about A's relationship with her Ex boyfriend & this makes A very uncomfortable.... The type of personality that you are describing for A is toxic & also narcissistic.... Beware these personalities triangulate a lot... Good luck the fact that A is off with you tells a lot... That's gaslighting

This is batshit

IhearyouClemFandango · 21/06/2023 22:37

WhoWants2Know · 21/06/2023 21:37

To be honest, if A/Angela was someone I was close to and respected, I'd take her experience and opinions into account when deciding whether I wanted to go out in a group with B/Barbara. If you know B has history of acting like a dick, there's always a risk of becoming a dick by association.

I wouldn't say anything rude to B, I would just make excuses to avoid events where she's going.

This tbh. B doesn't sound like someone I'd want to hang around with

Coffeeandcards · 21/06/2023 22:39

WhoWants2Know · 21/06/2023 21:37

To be honest, if A/Angela was someone I was close to and respected, I'd take her experience and opinions into account when deciding whether I wanted to go out in a group with B/Barbara. If you know B has history of acting like a dick, there's always a risk of becoming a dick by association.

I wouldn't say anything rude to B, I would just make excuses to avoid events where she's going.

Another +1 for this from me.

Sounds like Beatrice was a bitch to Angela.

CrackerAndPudding · 21/06/2023 22:42

I think your friend A/Angela has a right time be upset if this other woman has behaved maliciously towards her previously. You have a right to socialise with whomever you wish but I couldn't respect someone who deliberately treated my friend poorly, and it would lessen my view of a friendship where my own friend was happily spending time and with someone who had been deliberately hurtful to me

Geo42 · 21/06/2023 22:45

strawberry 2017 had it spot on, you are the adult in the room don't take sides.

BlueAndGreen89 · 21/06/2023 22:46

If I was Angela I’d feel hurt that a friend of mine was socialising with someone I had a problem with. Probably wouldn’t say anything, but it would change how I felt about the OP and I’d distance myself.
Depends how much you value your friendship with Angela, OP.

Thinkingofmovingtosea · 21/06/2023 22:47

GooseyDiLoosey · 21/06/2023 22:34

This is batshit

Show quote history

How is that batshit - there might be 2 sides to the story...

VelvetUndergrounds · 21/06/2023 22:49

Jesseweneedtocook · 21/06/2023 21:45

Are you 12 years old op?

Get back to your maths homework rather than posting on mumsnt. Isn't it bedtime now anyway?

Grow up.

Okaaaay.... 😂

Thinkingofmovingtosea · 21/06/2023 22:51

What is B's take on things... Eg she might say that A was nasty to her... While she was with A's exh... How can you be sure that A is telling the whole truth? However this is a tricky one.... At the end of the day though you are not extending invites to B....so A needs to know that

cassiatwenty · 21/06/2023 22:57

Friendly19 · 21/06/2023 20:09

I have a group of friends, 3 women. We meet up a lot, talk most days etc etc.

I have another friend who is not part of the above "group" not because of any falling out, just doesn't move in the same crowds, she has her own friendship circle. We don't hang out with the same people but we are good friends and have been for a long time. I'll call this friend A.

One of the 3 women in my friendship circle has met another woman ill call her B. She has started being invited a lot to outings with the group and is becoming more and more involved with everything we do together as time goes on.

The problem is that A & B do not like each other whatsoever. There have been some things gone on in the past between them which I won't go into now and they just don't have a good relationship at all.

I'd never spoken to B before she started coming out more with us after becoming friends with one of the other women and whilst I'm not rude or anything obviously and am friendly to her when we're together, I'm not close to her either. The problem is A is now upset that I am "hanging out" with B and is being off with me about it despite me saying we aren't best of friends, she just knows one of my other friends and so invited by them sometimes.

I feel very awkward now and like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. B has never done anything to me personally and I still don't know her that well, it's never me that invites her out but I'm also not going to be rude or standoffish with her when my other friend is close to her. But then I also feel bad for A that I'm now seemingly hanging around with and being chummy with someone who she has had big issues with in the past.

(Fwiw B does know that I am good friends with A).

What do I do?!?!?

Me right now reading this

Awkward friendship group situation
Original poster
Friendly19 · 21/06/2023 23:01

The issue I have is if I just refuse to ever be around B then it means seeing a lot less of my other friends and doing things we enjoy together. I had never met B before, it is not me who invites her anywhere and I am only ever friendly in a civil sense, I do not go out of my way to be friends with her (I don't have her number even!). Aside from refusing to ever see my other friends if B is there I'm not sure what A wants me to do.

Perhaps some reassurance is a good thing as suggested.

OP posts:
Shiloh139 · 21/06/2023 23:06

I think it's harsh to expect you not to socialise with B, because your socialising with her is only being done within a wider friendship group. If you back off from that group solely to avoid B and prove to A that you have her back, you will potentially lose your friendship group. I think you should try and articulate this clearly to A, if you haven't already done so. Maybe she understands this but still wants to distance herself as she doesn't see you as a safe person as you might one day end up good friends with B. If that's how she feels I'm not sure what you can do.

If it were just you and B socialising together I can understand why A might be choosing to distance herself from you but it's not as straightforward as that. I wouldn't want to lose a group of good friends (excluding B obviously) for one friend.

Good luck.

Pleasegotobed · 21/06/2023 23:31

Angela is right. You’re becoming a dick by association, it is disloyal if Beatrice treated her truly horrifically for you to effectively okay her behaviour by hanging out with her.

It’s a definite yabu from me

HundredMilesAnHour · 21/06/2023 23:51

Pleasegotobed · 21/06/2023 23:31

Angela is right. You’re becoming a dick by association, it is disloyal if Beatrice treated her truly horrifically for you to effectively okay her behaviour by hanging out with her.

It’s a definite yabu from me

I agree. By socialising with B whilst knowing what she did to A, it comes across that you're condoning B's behaviour which shows a real lack of loyalty to A.

Thinkingofmovingtosea · 23/06/2023 08:43

Honestly I'm really surprised at the last comment. Like I said I get that B was nasty.... although you don't know the detail... You have A's side only.... If you see her in a group setting this does not mean you are friends with her...... Its not disloyal!!! Eg I have a group of friends who are great fun and 1 of them (lady Y) had an affair with a married man ( his wife was physically abusive to him)

1 of our group (X) made this lady's (Y) life a total misery as she was friends the married man's wife... Lady X doesn't approve of anyone who has affairs with married individuals... She tried to sabotage Y's life etc out of loyalty to the other wife. That's her shout.. But I still meet her lady Y in the group as there are 2 sides to every story... Lady X Won't come if lady Y is there & I find this behaviour bizarre.. She says it's loyalty.. To me it's moral grandstanding & controlling... & we've all seen a side to Lady X since the event that is very gaslighty... So be careful when somebody takes the moral high ground... We are all human & make mistakes. The irony is that Lady X does stuff which shocks my moral code but she thinks is fine!!! Just keep an open mind I guess...

TheYearOfSmallThings · 23/06/2023 09:22

The issue I have is if I just refuse to ever be around B then it means seeing a lot less of my other friends and doing things we enjoy together.

I understand this, but I can see why Angela is disappointed that you are choosing to hang out with someone who you know treated her badly at an already difficult time. Nothing to be done about it really but acknowledge to Angela what the situation is, and that you are aware it sucks a bit.