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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Experience of my own sibling puts me off having more than one DC

46 replies

Crispten · 21/06/2023 18:47

It’s a weird one

We don’t have a big family so DH and I have always wanted at least two children, so they have each other and also for the wider connections in future like them having aunties, uncles, cousins, nieces and nephews.

I am a little apprehensive as my elder sister was and still is a bully towards me, not wanting to diagnose her but fits the bill for a cluster B disorder with lots of narcissistic and unstable traits. I limit contact but find it hard to understand why she is this way. We are chalk and cheese. She was an only child for many years before I came along and my parents indulged her, well both of us really, possibly this was the cause but she is very entitled and generally unpleasant.

I am worried of creating the same dynamic again. On one hand I am aware of it and have sought professional help to develop strategies against it, but my parents were generally loving and wonderful so it worries me that no matter what you do you could still create a dynamic where one of your kids isn’t nice and hates the other. Surely easier to avoid this if you just have the one.

OP posts:

Original poster

Crispten · 21/06/2023 19:40

Anyone?

OP posts:

Seashor · 21/06/2023 19:44

Completely put me off too. Had an only child until he was an adult.

Original poster

Crispten · 21/06/2023 19:45

Seashor · 21/06/2023 19:44

Completely put me off too. Had an only child until he was an adult.

Oh gosh. How did he react to having a sibling when he was an adult?

OP posts:

EvilElsa · 21/06/2023 19:48

My sister is my best friend. We definitely had our moments as teens, but as adults we are so close and hang out together a lot. I don't think you can ever know how things will turn out. My friend and her sister used to physically fight until blood was drawn. Now they are great friends! My mum and her siblings are ok with each other but have nothing in common and don't see each other. Your trauma is causing you to over think this, there's absolutely no reason your potential children won't have a good relationship.

MavisMcMinty · 21/06/2023 19:51

My sister and I fought like mad throughout our childhood and teens, exacerbated by having to share a bedroom. But as soon as I’d left home, she became my favourite person in the world, I couldn’t bear to be without her.

User19844666884 · 21/06/2023 19:52

I was worried about the same thing because DH and SIL hate each other. I read a load of books and would particularly recommend Siblings Without Rivalry

GoodChat · 21/06/2023 19:53

My relationship with my siblings is fine - get on really well with 1 or 2 and the rest we have nice but not particularly close relationships.

My two children are inseparable (although still very young). You just never know. They might grow up to hate each other but it's lovely while they're the way they are now.

AffIt · 21/06/2023 19:55

There is more than a decade between my sister and I - she had left home by the time I started school - but as adults, we are the best of friends and spend a lot of time together.

It's particularly important to me as our parent is aging and we have each other for support.

I know lots of people who are very happy and confident only children, but personally, I'm glad I have a sibling.

Anotherparkingthread · 21/06/2023 19:56

I'm the oldest and honestly I hated having a sibling. It ruined the dynamic in the household for me, to say I hated my sister fron the moment she was born would be an understatement. I was about 6 and I remember wishing she would die at night because of the constant noise. I absolutely resented being at home from that point until I left at 18 (I couldn't wait to go). I do get on with my sister now but can't say I enjoyed childhood at all, I was much much happier as an only child.

MissConductUS · 21/06/2023 19:59

My two are now young adults and get along brilliantly. I think the fact that they are only two years apart in age helped.

febrezeme · 21/06/2023 20:02

Sounds like there is a fairly large age gap between you and your sister though OP? And I think this is a significant contributor and why I don't ever recommend deliberately having siblings with large age gaps

You can't mould your life and that of your child just based on your experience - having a sibling has more positives than negatives assuming they are raised well

Original poster

Crispten · 21/06/2023 20:03

febrezeme · 21/06/2023 20:02

You can't mould your life and that of your child just based on your experience - having a sibling has more positives than negatives assuming they are raised well

Yeah there is. Nearly 8 years.

OP posts:

kikisparks · 21/06/2023 20:04

I wouldn’t base any decision on a second child on what sibling experience you think your first child will have. I would only have a second child if you (and the other parent) want another child.

Nothing in your post shows that you want a second child for your own reasons- do you? If so, and your partner feels the same, go for it. The sibling dynamic is unpredictable and could be beautiful or awful but will most likely fall somewhere in the middle.

HamBone · 21/06/2023 20:05

There’s no right answer, OP, but I’ll share our family’s experience.

DH has three siblings and they all get on, they’re v. different people, but their parents really emphasized the importance of being mutually respectful and tolerant of each other, which I think helped.

I’m an only child and I did find it abit lonely growing up, despite friends. The most difficult part has been caring for sick and elderly parents, as I have no one to share this with. Some people don’t feel this way, but that’s been my experience.

I decided to have two children. At 18 and nearly 15, they get on OK and I think they’ll get on even better as adults.

romdowa · 21/06/2023 20:07

I know loads of people who are incredibly close with their siblings. It's mainly siblings who were treated fairly and evenly. It seems to me that issues arise when one is treated better than the other. Its definitely been the case for my dh and I. Our siblings are the golden children, can do no wrong and were over indulged and protected.

kikisparks · 21/06/2023 20:10

And equally if you don’t want a second child for your own reasons, don’t have them so that they can give your child a playmate and potentially make them an aunt/ uncle. They should be wanted and not expected to play a particular family role.

I am only going to have one child, if I had a second then my daughter would have the possible benefit of a great sibling experience, but I do not want a second child (nor does my husband) and it would be very unfair to have a child I don’t want just to be a gift to another human.

Whapples · 21/06/2023 20:10

So I’m middle child and theres 15 years between my older sibling and younger sibling. I really wanted a younger sibling and despite the age gap, we are really close still (she’s my MOH)! I was always pretty close to my older sibling too until recent years (different stages of life and places etc I think). They aren’t overly close as one left home before the other started school! But they love each other still. On the other hand, younger sibling would have HATED another child I think 😂 I really do believe it depends on the kids and their personalities tbh

HamBone · 21/06/2023 20:15

As PP’s have said, you absolutely shouldn’t had a second child if you’re not sure that you want one.

I certainly didn’t have a second child simply to give DD a sibling, he was very wanted.

SistersNotCisters · 21/06/2023 20:16

My sister was (and is but I don't care anymore) quite a cow. Growing up she was the golden child and just nasty towards me. Now we're older she's just short and rude.

My own children are wonderful. 16, 13 and 11 and they're BFFs. Super close and will do anything for each other. If one is making a cuppa they go find the others to offer one too.

The difference between them and my sibling and I, was the parents. Mine were not the best. They got no respect because they earned none. Mum had us pretty much fending for ourselves from teen age and never wanted to spend time with us, or give us a good example on treating other people close to us. She's a complete narcissist. My own household is kind and happy and loving. The kids are a product of that.

PumpkinPie2016 · 21/06/2023 20:36

Part of the reason I only have one is because of my sister. She is younger than me but was absolutely awful to me growing up, particularly as we got a little older. I was relieved to go to university at 18 so I didn't have to live in the same house. Our relationship is no better now.

I get on very well with my older brother and always have. DH and his sister also get on very well. However, it wasn't enough to convince me.

Thing is, you just never know. They may get on great, they may not. I suppose if you definitely want a second, you just have to accept there is no guarantee they will get on.

My son is 9 now and happy as an only. He loves our little unit of 3. No way would I change it now.

SabrinaThwaite · 21/06/2023 20:47

There are 7 years between me and my sister, I was always too young for her to bother much with me during schooldays. Once she left for uni we pretty much had separate lives. It’s only in later life that we have resurrected things, especially in light of elderly parents (and realising that our narcissistic mother had been a big part of the problem).

I have 7 years between my DC (not planned) and were lucky that DC1 adored DC2 as soon as he arrived - helped by DC2 being a very amenable baby. They have had their moments growing up but are now good mates and I’m glad that they’ll have each other going forward.

HamBone · 21/06/2023 21:27

@SabrinaThwaite It’a interesting , because my SIL’s are 9 years apart and are v. close. Apparently my older SIL was really proud of her baby sister ( I don’t think she took much notice of her two brothers in between, she was probably too young :-)

SabrinaThwaite · 21/06/2023 21:38

HamBone · 21/06/2023 21:27

DC1 had a fabulous teacher who got the whole class to make cards for him and the new baby - he was made to feel very special for being a big brother.

Between him and MIL I didn’t get a look in with the new baby for first couple of weeks. We had a lot of DC1’s friends around to show off the new baby brother.

MollysBrolly · 21/06/2023 21:52

my Adult DS is adamant he never wants kids the reason for this is his younger sister she annoys him and her him, there's 12 years between them

Mamai90 · 21/06/2023 22:12

My sister means the absolute world to me. We fought like cat and dog growing up but that's pretty typical of siblings. We have a bond that I have with no-one else and it was a big reason why I always wanted at least two children.

I think if they are brought up in a loving environment then the chances are they will be close. I know there are exceptions but in my massive extended family all the siblings are tight.

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