Experience of my own sibling puts me off having more than one DC

[Crispten]

It’s a weird one

We don’t have a big family so DH and I have always wanted at least two children, so they have each other and also for the wider connections in future like them having aunties, uncles, cousins, nieces and nephews.

I am a little apprehensive as my elder sister was and still is a bully towards me, not wanting to diagnose her but fits the bill for a cluster B disorder with lots of narcissistic and unstable traits. I limit contact but find it hard to understand why she is this way. We are chalk and cheese. She was an only child for many years before I came along and my parents indulged her, well both of us really, possibly this was the cause but she is very entitled and generally unpleasant.

I am worried of creating the same dynamic again. On one hand I am aware of it and have sought professional help to develop strategies against it, but my parents were generally loving and wonderful so it worries me that no matter what you do you could still create a dynamic where one of your kids isn’t nice and hates the other. Surely easier to avoid this if you just have the one.

I'm really close to my siblings. Very small age gap between all 3 of us and we are best friends as adults. Growing up we had different friends, etc but apart from the usual sibling spats, we got on well growing up.

My own 2 DC have a 5 year age gap (one now late teens, one early teens) so have always been at different stages of life which could be tricky at times when they were younger. They got on ok though. They're at the stage where youngest DC looks up to the oldest and the oldest is protective over the youngest.

Thank you everyone it’s interesting reading everyone’s different experiences. I think I’m just concerned because my parents gave us both a lovely upbringing, yet my sister has turned into a real bully and not a very nice character. She wasn’t always like this in childhood in fact she was really kind then and relished her role as big sister but this is who she’s become as an adult, and it’s really nasty to see

It does put me off having 2 just in case the same dynamic plays out I won’t forgive myself and I almost don’t know if I want to risk it? But also, if not, the only similar age relatives our DC would have on either side is their cousins from my sister and we are not close already because of how my sister behaves so little hope they will be close as adults.

I don't think you end up having a bullying and mean sibling if they truly had a happy upbringing. I do know that some children within the same family PERCEIVE their childhood in one way while the other sibling having lived in the same home with the same parents can have a completely different view of their childhood and parents so I am very sceptical that your parents were all that great equally to her.
YANBU to be put off having another child because of your own experience but YABU for justifying it due to the age gap because I and others around me have experienced arsehole siblings with small age gaps and kind wonderful siblings with huge age gaps. In the case of siblings bullying, the parents did something wrong either to one child or both for example not fostering a good relationship, ignoring the other child when the new one arrives beyond reasonable necessity, the parents would have done the damage and the child blamed the sibling because a child's survival relies on their parents so they can't alienate themselves from their own parents when they need them to live so the sibling or the child himself becomes the object of justifying the shit the parents have done. This is why we see people blaming themselves, internalising why their parents didn't care for them because something is wrong with them and all that or justifying it by blaming the sibling that they stole or manipulated their parents. I'm a bit tired so I hope this makes sense to someone.
Have a second child or don't but it's not about the age gap, it's your parents way of parenting and the atmosphere and values they endorsed in your home that you ended up like this with this relationship with your sibling who was also a vulnerable child who had their world disrupted by this noisy needy new creature int he family and it was the parents job to teach you to love each other and treat each other well which they clearly failed unfortunately.

There's just no predicting it. I'm one of four and each one of us is entirely different, and every relationship between any two of us has a different dynamic.

My parents were great and loving so even though the house was chaotic and we haven't all got on all of the time, I always wanted a big family of my own and just assumed I'd get it. I've ended up as a single mum to an only child. The bond we have is amazing, DC has a loving wider family, and although it's not what I would have chosen, I wouldn't change it for the world now.

@acheyfeet it does make sense, thank you. I think in her case though she was extra spoiled for 8 years before I came along and she even decided whether or not my parents had me! The age gap was so big because she didn’t want a sibling until she was 7

Yes, same. Nothing wrong with one. My sibling still manipulates and bullies aged 58.

This is one of the main reasons me and DH only want one. DH is NC with his sibling who has done nothing but cause problems for years. I get along OK with my brother but he is very much the golden child with my parents and the favouritism has caused a lot of resentment.

I don't have the same bad experience with a sibling as my husband and I are both close to our brothers.

But I have two kids with less than two years' age gap between them, and they're really tiny still, but they already have the sweetest bond which is really amazing to see.

That’s awful. Im sorry to hear that

Do you worry about loneliness for your DC?

There is 15 months between myself and my sister and we don’t get on .. have learned to tolerate each other. ..

people always assume siblings will get on if they did . It’s pot luck really

What do you mean she didnt want a sibling? I'm sorry but that's very pathetic parenting if you plan your children according to a 7 year old's whim so that there is another example your parents weren't that great if it is true they only conceived because she asked for a pony sibling. I'm not saying your parents are bad people, but it's not great parenting if this is what they did or if this is what they told you they did. Again, not fostering good relations between their children to say stuff like this. Who wants to hear that they were brought into the world to fulfil a sibling's wish like requesting a Barbie or Ken doll for Christmas? That sure wouldn't make me feel great.
If they spoiled her, that's another testimony of their terrible parenting again. I don't believe you're automatically spoiled as an only. I have seen and known big families where one or two children are spoiled and the rest neglected. It's the parents that set the tone of the siblings relationships and I'm sad to say there are parents who thrive on such dynamics, they like seeing their children vie for their attention.
My point is, this happened because your parents really weren't good to her or you and even if you remember your childhood well, she may well have different views of how it was, remember she was older than you so there might be a lot she remembers better than you can. There are older siblings who are kind and loving and ones with a year age gap but fight and compete all the time well into adulthood (Stealing partners, jobs, fighting over inheritance...the lot!)

There's 8 years between ds1 and 2 , they didn't get on well at all when they were younger but are great friends now they are adults

There's also 8 years between ds2 and 3 he's always gotten on with both his older brothers, especially ds2 who he spends loads of time with

Then there's less than 2 years between ds 3 & 4, they got on as toddlers but for the last few years it's like they can't even stand each other. They are 12 and 10 now

Ds 4 gets on with ds1 & 2 and always has but its such a big age gap, especially between him and ds1 who has children who are only 4 and 6 years younger than ds4

I think it depends on personalities

I have 3 kids and though they have their moments they also love each other to bits! I think they’d be sad not to have each other.
there are no guarantees! I’d be really worried about an only child being lonely and having to look after me in old age

I could have written this. Feel exactly the same.

Has it made your decision, or are you still making up your mind?

@Crispten I’m still making up my mind. My worry is that I won’t be able to handle any sort of sibling rivalry- that it’ll trigger me and I’ll deal with it poorly. I have a brother who was a bully my whole life- for this reason I also fear I would deal with a boy badly and maybe be too hard on him (I currently have a girl.)

All sibling sets are different and go through different phases, some are best friends who adore each other, some wish the other hadn’t been born and wish harm, most are somewhere in the middle I think, or even both at the same time?
I can’t have feelings about how lovely my life seemed before my brother came along because I wasn’t two years old so I can’t remember that short time as an “only” I’ve always in my memory been a big sister, if I’d had my parents full attention for 8 9 10 years before he came along obviously that is a different experience for better or worse I don’t know.
A smaller age gap is probably better but still no guarantees.
On the other hand, my closest sibling of the 4, I’m the eldest of 5 is my little sister 19 years younger than me.
There is a bigger age gap between us than there is between me and my mum.
We only lived together for a short time before I left home when she was a toddler so none of the silly fights about bedroom mess and friendship squabbles I had with my other sister,
I feel a responsibility to be a mentor to her and she’s also such a lovely person and nice to be around, she knows she can always come to me and she’s been a wonderful aunty to my son from when she was only a kid herself.
Ive got one son, would have liked another but life didn’t go to plan. If you and your partner want another and can afford it, go for it, they might get on they might not, more likely sometimes they will and sometimes they might not no big deal.

Are you worried the child you have could grow up to bully and exclude a new sibling?
As your older sister has done to you?
It seems from the limited information you have given maybe she didn’t experience or perceive her childhood, your parents in the same way you did, there will be things she experienced and witnessed as the older child, you were not there to see, and if they really did wait for their child’s say so to conceive you, as you seem to suggest, they really is a clear example of a dereliction of parental duties and boundaries to say the least.

I have two older siblings. The character traits that annoy me about them and impact our relationship are pretty closely tied to the way our parents parented, not the fact that I exist as their sibling. If you’re aware of the risks you can take steps to mitigate them. Despite their faults, overall my life has been enhanced by having siblings and my children’s lives are enormously enriched by having cousins. Also when you have an elderly and sometimes difficult parent, nobody empathises as much as a sibling!

My kids are close in age and sibling rivalry raises its head reasonably often. I try to listen to them with an open mind. If they’re being ridiculous I tell them so but if there is a grain of truth behind it I genuinely try to do better (it’s usually parental attention they are seeking.)

I loathe my brother. My DM and her brother hated each other as kids and now only speak when necessary. My DF was always excluded by his family and was hurt by it. All if my school friends had sibling relationships I'd hate.

I fully planned to have a single kid until I made a specific friend who was one of three sisters who all get on! Actively support each other, despite choosing different ways of life. Choose to live near each other abc their parents despite having all moved cities for university and all having careers that would enable them to move.

It totally changed my point of view. They were parented very, very differently to other kids I knew - very collaborative, no punishments only discussions and encouragement, lots of kindness.

So far I have two kids and they are each other's BFs although they are different sexes and with three years between them. It's brilliant. They actually improve each other's lives - not at all like my own "divide and conquer" and "punish the shit out of them" and authoritarian childhood!

It is possible, but as the parent you do have to make it your priority and bear it in mind constantly. Never compare out loud, never put them in any kind of direct competition, find them different hobbies to be better at, and really really emphasise empathy.