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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU friends washing up

40 replies

singlingsu · 21/06/2023 18:34

I hate washing up. It's my least favourite chore. So much that I do all cooking, and DP does all washing up. It works well for us.

DP is away for work for the week so my friends asked if they could come and stay for 5 days. I gladly accepted. They come next week.

However, I remember last time they came for a week that they never offered to help with washing up. I did all the cooking, sometimes breakfast, lunch and dinner and they just left the dirty plates on the side for me. They would help themselves to glasses of water which I was fine with but leave the dirty glass in the sink. It just made me feel like a maid and that I couldn't also enjoy my annual leave.

I just found this very off putting because I am the first to help out with friends and all club in. Although they do have dish washers so I would just load my stuff in. I would automatically just start clearing away unless they stopped me or stated a preference otherwise.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Gymmum82 · 21/06/2023 18:35

Just say beforehand. I cook you wash. Job done

ApplesInTheSunshine · 21/06/2023 18:36

YABU. I would not want guests taking over my kitchen and washing up.

TheSnowyOwl · 21/06/2023 18:36

Tell them that you expect them to wash up.

Original poster
singlingsu · 21/06/2023 18:39

is that cheeky or normal?

OP posts:
Gingergirl70 · 21/06/2023 18:39

This is a person you're close enough with to have staying in your house for 5 days but not close enough to tell her you're not a skivvy?
Tell her the house rules before she arrives. If she doesn't like it, she doesn't have to stay

Yerroblemom1923 · 21/06/2023 18:41

If I invite guests over I look after them so will cook and wash up as that's the dine thing when you have house guests.
If they offer I might let them but they're there to enjoy a break and enjoy the scenery.

Original poster
singlingsu · 21/06/2023 18:42

theres two of them and theyre good friends but we never really have any confrontation with each other as were all agreeable. We went to school together so have known each other for quite some time. I do feel one may turn around and let me know that in her house she does all the washing up when theres guests round

OP posts:
Xiaoxiong · 21/06/2023 18:43

ApplesInTheSunshine · 21/06/2023 18:36

YABU. I would not want guests taking over my kitchen and washing up.

I feel that way about a one-off dinner party, but for 5 days they have to lend a hand.

I agree that before you buy any food at all, you say "let's just work out meals - I'm happy to buy food and cook on Monday, Tuesday and Friday, if you wash up - and you guys cover Weds and Thurs, ok?"

Or something of that sort. I would expect for a 5 night house guest that they would cover at least 2 nights eg take you out for dinner, get a takeaway etc. And they should bring drinks!

Gingergirl70 · 21/06/2023 18:44

Same advice applies whether it's one friend or two

Gymmum82 · 21/06/2023 18:46

If I was having friends to stay for 5 days I’d assume I’d know them well enough to say I’m not doing everything you can bloody wash up you lazy mare

Wolfpa · 21/06/2023 18:50

Just ask for some help, sometimes people need to be given permission to help. I would always expect everyone to pitch in to get the job done quicker.

kelsaycobbles · 21/06/2023 18:51

It's not cheeky to say something and makes it clear what you would like so they don't have to second guess

Womencanlift · 21/06/2023 18:56

Did you say to them that you were annoyed last time or even ask them to wash up? People have different views of hosting (that you can already see from this thread) so if your friends views are different to yours they may not think to do that in someone else’s house

Personally I would always offer but I do have a friend that hates anyone being in her kitchen so I know now not to even bother offering but difference is we had a conversation about it

SayHi · 21/06/2023 19:12

YABU

I’d never make my guests wash up.

You’re an adult I’m sure you’ll be ok washing up whilst your DH is away.

Shinyandnew1 · 21/06/2023 19:15

Did they pay for any food or drinks when they came before?

WonderfulUsername · 21/06/2023 19:17

Yet another 'friendship' that really puzzles me where one can't simply say to the other, "I'll cook and you wash up".

Is it just an MN thing? Because in RL I have never known actual friends to not be able to use simple basic communication for fear of upsetting each other.

Original poster
singlingsu · 21/06/2023 19:17

no I bought all food and drink but when we went out a couple of times we each paid for ourselves.

OP posts:
KipferlandCroissant · 21/06/2023 19:19

singlingsu · 21/06/2023 18:39

is that cheeky or normal?

For one diner, cheeky.

For a 5 days stay? completely normal. Start with "can you come and help with the washing up please", and dry and put things away while they wash.

frazzledasarock · 21/06/2023 19:19

singlingsu · 21/06/2023 18:42

theres two of them and theyre good friends but we never really have any confrontation with each other as were all agreeable. We went to school together so have known each other for quite some time. I do feel one may turn around and let me know that in her house she does all the washing up when theres guests round

How often do you go to hers and expect it be waited on hand and foot?

I always help clear up at friends of invited for a meal/to stay. If my offer is refused I’ll just help clear the table and leave everything where I’ve been asked.

usually with close friends it’s welcomed and the general chat etc is continued as we tidy up.

UsingChangeofName · 21/06/2023 19:25

YANBU to want - no, EXPECT - them to chip in

YABU not to have said to them "Yes, you can come and stay as long as you chip in with what needs to be done" . You shouldn't have to, but, you have experience that for some bizarre reason they don't know how to be good guests, so you should have been explicit with them.

Shinyandnew1 · 21/06/2023 19:26

Two of them have asked to come and stay at yours, they’ve done it before and don’t pay towards food or wash up?

None of my friends would do this. They sound like shite friends, tbh!

DemonicCaveMaggot · 21/06/2023 19:31

If you were hosting them for a night or so I would say wash up, but five days and you are buying all the food and drink and they aren't buying you at least one meal out or a takeaway - they can wash up.

DD invited four of her student friends to our house for a week last month. We provided meal ingredients and drink and they cooked all our meals and they washed up. If 18 - 20 year old students know to do stuff like that I am sure your friends do, they just aren't.

gettingoldisshit · 21/06/2023 19:33

They sound like lazy and selfish " friends". If you invite someone for a meal then you are hosting and you do all the hard work and pay for the food. However if people are staying with you for 5 days they absolutely should be helping to cook or clean up afterwards and they should be contributing towards the cost of the meals. When you went out to eat they should have been paying for you to say thank you!

magicstar1 · 21/06/2023 19:40

Well they asked to visit…you didn’t really invite them, so that would change things a bit for me. Just say you’ll cook and they can wash up.

Newestname002 · 21/06/2023 20:02

Shinyandnew1 · 21/06/2023 19:26

Two of them have asked to come and stay at yours, they’ve done it before and don’t pay towards food or wash up?

None of my friends would do this. They sound like shite friends, tbh!

Absolutely this. @singlingsu you are being taken advantage of. I'm surprised that, after the way they behaved last time, you agreed to this. At the very least have some ground rules they should adhere to - including equally sharing the cost of food/drink for the five days and washing/clearing up. Their behaviour will not change whilst you accept this thoughtless behaviour 🌹

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