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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU friends washing up

40 replies

singlingsu · 21/06/2023 18:34

I hate washing up. It's my least favourite chore. So much that I do all cooking, and DP does all washing up. It works well for us.

DP is away for work for the week so my friends asked if they could come and stay for 5 days. I gladly accepted. They come next week.

However, I remember last time they came for a week that they never offered to help with washing up. I did all the cooking, sometimes breakfast, lunch and dinner and they just left the dirty plates on the side for me. They would help themselves to glasses of water which I was fine with but leave the dirty glass in the sink. It just made me feel like a maid and that I couldn't also enjoy my annual leave.

I just found this very off putting because I am the first to help out with friends and all club in. Although they do have dish washers so I would just load my stuff in. I would automatically just start clearing away unless they stopped me or stated a preference otherwise.

AIBU?

OP posts:

Tilllly · 21/06/2023 20:05

They muck in

You're their friend, not a maid

Pigstrotter · 21/06/2023 20:12

A friend would wash up, offer to cook, & contribute towards the food. They are BU for taking the piss.

CalistoNoSolo · 21/06/2023 20:21

What a weird dynamic. I don't expect guests to wash up, but then they wouldn't expect me to do all of the catering. And just get a dishwasher if you hate washing up.

keyboardkat · 21/06/2023 20:26

I'd do it myself if I had no dishwasher. I'm afraid I'm a bit picky when it comes to washing crockery glasses and pots. No smears, rinse off suds, pots no greasy residue, you get the picture. No one washes the dishes like me!

I live alone and rarely bother with the dishwasher TBH, but if friends/family stay the D/W needs the sweat wiped off it, it works so hard.

neverenoughchelseaboots · 21/06/2023 20:30

How about: “As you’re my stand in husband for the week - I usually do all the cooking and he washes up. Does that sound okay to you or do you want to mix it up?”

LaMaG · 21/06/2023 20:38

YANBU but I don't think you should fixate on wash up as such. Maybe they hate that particular task too. I'd say it more like can we make a plan so I can organise food etc. And depending on what they say conclude OK so if I cook Mon and you wash up, you cook Tues I wash up etc and include who pays for what. That way everyone knows what's expected of them. Definitely don't do nothing, you'll only be annoyed and they might not know why and tensions form

DPotter · 21/06/2023 21:20

I'd expect a contribution of wine if they're expecting to drink some and help with cooking and cleaning up after themselves as well.

Before they arrive - let them know which wine your prefer and that as you're cooking they can wash up. That way they know what you expect before they get there.

I would be most un-impressed if good friends / family having invited themselves around didn't step up with food / wine contributions and help with catering and clearing up. They sure as eggs is eggs wouldn't be welcome again - and your friends have had their free pass.

Remagirl · 21/06/2023 21:34

Oh god buy a dishwasher. I would if I hated it that much, and I do.

Balloonhearts · 21/06/2023 22:08

Just suggest it lightheartedly.

Ooh this is lovely singling, thank you.

You're welcome! You can wash up haha!

KipferlandCroissant · 21/06/2023 22:20

Remagirl · 21/06/2023 21:34

Oh god buy a dishwasher. I would if I hated it that much, and I do.

that, life is too short to scrub dishes.

Friends would still need to clear up and tidy after themselves, even with a dishwasher.

SidekickSylvia · 21/06/2023 22:23

Can't you just pile it all up on the side until your dh comes home?

justanothermanicmonday1 · 21/06/2023 22:30

She's asked to come and stay. So therefore she should be helping lol.

I would say it in a jokey way.

Gymnopedie · 21/06/2023 22:33

Yerroblemom1923 · 21/06/2023 18:41

If I invite guests over I look after them so will cook and wash up as that's the dine thing when you have house guests.
If they offer I might let them but they're there to enjoy a break and enjoy the scenery.

But although the OP said yes, she didn't actually invite them. They invited themselves. If they're remembering the last time, then maybe they're thinking that it's going to be a free holiday for them while OP does all the shopping, cooking and cleaning. Ie taking her for a mug. Rather than coming over for a shared girlie week where they all muck in.

DivorcedAndDelighted · 21/06/2023 22:49

I voted YABU not to just ask them to wash up. But they would be VVU to mind. They're coming to stay for 5 days; if they're at ease with asking you that, then you should certainly be at ease saying, before you start cooking, "Right, I'm cooking and I don't have a dishwasher, so I'll need you lot to sort out washing up, drying and putting away."
Just say it matter - of-factly; no apologising!

katepilar · 06/10/2023 10:56

WonderfulUsername · 21/06/2023 19:17

Yet another 'friendship' that really puzzles me where one can't simply say to the other, "I'll cook and you wash up".

Is it just an MN thing? Because in RL I have never known actual friends to not be able to use simple basic communication for fear of upsetting each other.

People are different, you know. Not everyone is like you and your friends. People grow up in different settings with different expectations and its very difficult for some to speak up or talk about something that is potencially upsetting for them.

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