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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think DH has issues with me going away

39 replies

Summersolstice88 · 21/06/2023 06:51

I have to occasionally travel for work, nothing exciting but there are odd occasions when I need to be away for a few days and DH always picks seems to pick a fight right before I go.

For background we're married and have 2 children (8 and 2) we have some separation issues with the youngest at the moment (nothing drastic in my opinion, wants me to sit and play with him on the floor or hold his hand while walking around the house etc, but will let me put him to sleep at night without crying and doesn't cry at nursery off - probably a longer post in itself!)

I'm leaving this morning after drop offs and DH has started a row again about the youngest separations anxiety, but should point out if I am not in the house he's not bothered but it's turned into a screaming match and he's told me to not talk to him until I get back at the end of the week (he won't send any updates on the children etc as I don't deserve them)

It's the same everytime I go out or go away which isn't often, maybe once every 8 weeks for a night.

Dh works nights so isn't around a lot so any travelling I do is around his shifts anyway, and when he isn't working he goes to football every Saturday and some away weekends so he also goes away.

OP posts:

Changeforachange · 21/06/2023 06:56

He gets pissed off that he's going to have extra responsibility for a few days & takes it out on you.

Have you confronted him about his behaviour?
What does he want you to do? I'm assuming staying away is a necessary part of your work, not an excuse for a jolly - does he expect you to get another job?

Witholding information about your kids is fucking cruel.

DustyLee123 · 21/06/2023 06:56

He is abusive.

Daffodil92 · 21/06/2023 06:59

He’s disgusting. He’s picking a fight because he cannot be arsed to care for his own children. To refuse to send you updates is vile.

greencheetah · 21/06/2023 06:59

Yes, I would say “I have noticed you regularly start an argument just before I go away. Is there a purpose to it? Are you trying to make me feel guilty or to not go? “

Mindymomo · 21/06/2023 06:59

What a cruel man to say that, you have my sympathy. I think you need a long chat when you get back, if this is what happens every time you go away for work, it’s not like you are going away for pleasure like he does.

gamerchick · 21/06/2023 07:02

You can pull him. Or the next time you're due to go away ask him to tell you in advance what's he's going to pick a fight about this time.

You're probably right he just doesnt want to parent on his own but knows he would sound like a right dick if he said it out loud.

Tinkerbyebye · 21/06/2023 07:03

i would take time to think whilst you are away. Do you want to continue in a marriage with someone like this?

i would ask for updates, if he doesn’t give them, then again he’s being abusive and controlling. Sounds like he doesn’t want you to go away as he has to do the hard slog on his own

When you get back it’s time for a sit down chat. Why does he do this every time you are away? What 8s he going to do to stop it etc etc

Noicant · 21/06/2023 07:04

Yeah he doesn’t want to be alone with the kids. Tbf I dread Dh travelling for work and I only have 1. But then I’m not an utter dick about it and suck it up.

Doingmybest12 · 21/06/2023 07:04

He really is nasty and this isn't a good environment for your children. Please make plans to leave.

Doingmybest12 · 21/06/2023 07:06

Please don't waste time trying to work this out, it is beyond that in terms of abusiveness.

Quiverer · 21/06/2023 07:08

You need a conversation with him when you get back about why he does this. If he's not prepared to act like an adult you may have to rethink where this relationship is going.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 21/06/2023 07:11

He's abusive.

Please don't stay with this man.

Original poster

Summersolstice88 · 21/06/2023 07:19

Thank you for all the replies

Yes travel is oart of my job, he also has issues that I really enjoy my job, but that's a whole another story!

Arguments before I go anywhere can range from anything from the separation issues we're having with the youngest (which aren't really issues) or the fact that I haven't left enough clothes our for him before I go or I love my job more than him

I have to work any travel around his shifts so his week off (which is this week) is the only chance I get and work are understanding of that fact so it's a balancing game

I would never purposefully not send updates when he is away so I think he's being cruel on purpose and it's nice to have that backed up by other people

OP posts:

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 21/06/2023 07:21

or the fact that I haven't left enough clothes out for him before I go

What does this mean? Do you mean you get the kids clothes for the time you are away laid out ready for him?

coodawoodashooda · 21/06/2023 07:21

DustyLee123 · 21/06/2023 06:56

He is abusive.

It's a strategy to put you off doing it again

Phineyj · 21/06/2023 07:26

Gosh, if you reverse that, he'd like you to not enjoy your job? What kind of partner thinks that?!

AhNowTed · 21/06/2023 07:28

He doesn't want to parent the kids alone for 2 whole days.

And he doesn't want you having a career you enjoy in case it negatively impacts him, again having to parent his own children.

He's pathetic.

Lifescary · 21/06/2023 07:28

If you're away for a night you really don't need updates.

johnd2 · 21/06/2023 07:33

Sounds anxious and resentful and maybe jealous but presumably he was taught by his care givers from an early age that those were "bad" emotions to be ignored and not taught how to deal with them.

Therefore he isn't able to discuss them when they arise as an adult and trust that they will be accepted, but they still happen but they turn into stress and anger instead

It sounds like there's a lot to unpick there and a counsellor may help if he is prepared to engage too.

Obviously you it's having a negative impact on you, so it depends on you, whether he is happy to work on it with you, whether you are happy to work from your side, whether to try to carry on or give up.

Good luck!

Furrydogmum · 21/06/2023 07:42

He's being abusive really, not just mean.

KittytheHare · 21/06/2023 07:52

Lifescary · 21/06/2023 07:28

If you're away for a night you really don't need updates.

The Op has said she’s away until the end of the week. Besides which, this is an incredibly mean spirited post.

knittingaddict · 21/06/2023 08:08

Lifescary · 21/06/2023 07:28

If you're away for a night you really don't need updates.

She's a parent. She can have updates if she wants updates.

Original poster

Summersolstice88 · 21/06/2023 08:09

I'm mot asking for hourly updates as they are at school and nursery most of the day anyway but the odd they're ok, went to bed ok etc is nice and I also like to keep in touch with DH as well. But I won't get any of that

I am sure I will get back and be told they were much better behaved without me there and and much happier which is the usual story I get when I go away for a night or 2.

OP posts:

Anaemiafog · 21/06/2023 08:43

I've seen this a lot in controling partnes. Does he also do it if you're going out with friends alone? It doesn't sound like a fair sharing of the mental load either. Why do you need to sort the kid's clothes when you are going to work? Does he do it for them when he's at work?

rookiemere · 21/06/2023 08:43

Presumably he enjoys the income your job brings in ?

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