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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A work / DH one

37 replies

Grenoble124 · 20/06/2023 22:16

Hi looking for some perspective please.

We have 3 DCs. DS is 7 and twin DDs 3.

DH and I are the exact same grade although I am higher up the scale and earn more if I work ft.

I am currently able to finish early and shorten the day in nursery as a result without any financial implication. My mil takes DS after school and is paid for this.

I take every Friday off unpaid. The twins are in nursery (free hours) until 12.

All finances are pooled. I had a substantial inheritance which went into house extension ans renovation.

I have done some sums and worked out that from September I would be financially better off to finish at 3 and collect my son myself. The thing is my DH doesn't want me to continue to take the Friday off. I could theoretically squeeze in a half day when the twins are in creche but why should I?

His attitude is that any child free hours not working are doss hours as he put it. And it's pissed me right off.

I have always wanted to reduce my hours and have that work life balance. My job is senior and demanding.

Ultimately as he said I will do what I want but it would be nice to have his support in this. In both scenarios I would still be better off than paying my mil to mind my son.

Thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
Grenoble124 · 20/06/2023 22:21

So is he being unreasonable or am I?

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 20/06/2023 22:23

Is he annoyed because you’ll have more leisure time than him? Does he want to spend more time with the DC and drop his working hours to accommodate this?

Or is he anticipating getting grief from his mum about you making her redundant from her childcare duties?

Hiddiddleyho · 20/06/2023 22:25

I am in favour of a 4 day week for everyone, so if you can get it then do it. Is your h jealous on some level?

Hiddiddleyho · 20/06/2023 22:26

Either he's jealous that you'll get more doss hours than him, or he doesn't value any contributions to home life other than financial, eg cleaning, food shop, which is old fashioned imo.

Dressydress · 20/06/2023 22:28

How's the life admin and chores split? Do you do the majority or is it fair?

Original poster
Grenoble124 · 20/06/2023 22:31

He absolutely doesn't want to drop his hours. His Mum is getting on and it might be too much for her.

I do the food shop online but honestly we can't keep on top of the house. I said I will get a cleaner but squeezing in hours to pay a cleaner seems off to me.

A further bit of info is that from the following Sept my twins will be in school til 2. Then it would probably make sense to do 9-2 the five days. But even so I wonder why.

We moved out of the city for quality of life. Both work remotely most of the time.

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LiarLiarKnickersAblaze · 20/06/2023 22:32

He needs to understand that it's important time for you and if you can afford it, go for it. I have non working days every other week and they are great for balancing out the business of work and parenting. They inevitably get filled with a mixture of life and work admin with stuff for me filtered in. Flies by, but I hit the weekend significantly less frazzled.

DH used to respond like that if he was jealous.

Hankunamatata · 20/06/2023 22:32

Have a discussion with him. Why is does he want you to work Friday? Does he want to reduce hours too? Pension implications? Is he worried mil will be put out

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 20/06/2023 22:32

I think broadly in a couple, they should both get the same leisure time. Or if one person drops hours, then the other can as well (or the other get proportionately more 'fun money'). So it depends to me what you're doing to do with that time. For example taking it as leisure time, whilst telling him he can't drop his financial contribution to the household (so he can't drop his hours) feels a bit unfair. But if youd be looking after kids / catching up on housework, or taking leisure time but perfectly ok with him doing the same, then that's fair.

Ultimately though I'd be discussing pension and retirement implications with my partner as I think it's good to be on the same page in terms of the 'work now, save as much into pension as possible and retire early' vs 'work life balance and spending time with the kids' debte

Dressydress · 20/06/2023 22:33

I think to be fair you could use a little bit of that time to do some chores. Not all. Or to get on top of everything then use some time as leisure and a bit for chores.

Original poster
Grenoble124 · 20/06/2023 22:34

I do a lot of the childcare stuff, lunches, uniforms, every single dinner always.

Keeping in mind we both technically work the same Mon - Thursday but I have my boss' blessing to log off early. I am often responding to emails on my phone though.

He is good at the football, other activities with my son, usually dog walking, grass cutting. He does a fair bit but I do more.

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Original poster
Grenoble124 · 20/06/2023 22:35

He has mentioned pension a few times.

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Original poster
Grenoble124 · 20/06/2023 22:36

I would absolutely support him reducing his hours but he doesn't want to. He knows this.

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arethereanyleftatall · 20/06/2023 22:36

It isn't a race to the bottom of who can have the shittest life.
If you can afford to have a day off, have a day off. There's more to life than work.

Original poster
Grenoble124 · 20/06/2023 22:39

With school drop offs it wouldn't even be a proper half day I could do on the Friday. It just doesn't make sense to me why he feels that way. He seems to think cleaning can be done around work. Always seems to be me doing it though.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 20/06/2023 22:39

If he hasn’t got a solid objection - it’s more a vague ‘you should work more’ then he’s failing to make a persuasive argument. Onus is on him to prove his point, I’d say.

Original poster
Grenoble124 · 20/06/2023 22:39

arethereanyleftatall · 20/06/2023 22:36

It isn't a race to the bottom of who can have the shittest life.
If you can afford to have a day off, have a day off. There's more to life than work.

That's exactly how I feel.

OP posts:
Original poster
Grenoble124 · 20/06/2023 22:42

NoSquirrels · 20/06/2023 22:39

If he hasn’t got a solid objection - it’s more a vague ‘you should work more’ then he’s failing to make a persuasive argument. Onus is on him to prove his point, I’d say.

Yes I have to discuss with my boss tomorrow anyway so will likely stay off the Friday for the time being.

When he was going for promotion recently he said oh you can then drop your hours. He Ultimately withdrew which was his decision but I supported him fully either way. I don't feel he is doing the same for me.

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Original poster
Grenoble124 · 20/06/2023 22:46

Many times we have discussed me finishing at 2 when the twins start school and he has swayed from you should work Friday to saying he is only joking. But he isn't joking.

I think I will stick with the 9-3 for now and remain off on the Friday.

When I said how can I work the full half day he suggested increasing nursery hours. Mind boggling stuff.

In case it's relevant I am taking the summer off but will have the children 24/7.

OP posts:
londonmummy1966 · 20/06/2023 22:47

Always seems to be me doing it though.

Spend a couple of weeks logging what you both do cleaning wise around work and confront him with the evidence....

sandyhappypeople · 20/06/2023 22:59

Grenoble124 · 20/06/2023 22:39

With school drop offs it wouldn't even be a proper half day I could do on the Friday. It just doesn't make sense to me why he feels that way. He seems to think cleaning can be done around work. Always seems to be me doing it though.

That post sounds to me that you are justifying having that time off, when really you don't need to justify anything, you don't need his 'permission' to implement something that will benefit everyone to some level, it's your career and your decision to make.

I think you need to get to the bottom of what is really bothering your DH about it though, if he has the option of reducing his hours (to do the same thing you are proposing) but doesn't actually want to, then why would he begrudge you doing it when that is what you want and would be better for everyone.

I feel like there's a piece of the puzzle that's missing, if this proposal doesn't negatively affect him, why would he even care?

You're absolutely doing the right thing to use the flexibility you've been given!

Copperoliverbear · 20/06/2023 23:04

You don't need his support, do what makes you happy, you contribute more to the home, ignore his negativity x

Original poster
Grenoble124 · 20/06/2023 23:08

Thank you sandyhappypeople

I don't need his permission no, but I would have liked us to be on the same page.

Even with the Friday off I would be better off for the next year or so. If everyone was in school until 2pm and 3pm it may not necessarily be the same (even though there would be no other childcare costs) but certainly now when the twins finish at 12 we would still be gaining money if I stay off on Fridays.

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Original poster
Grenoble124 · 20/06/2023 23:10

Thank you. I do contribute a lot to the home.

Could I ask what your views are when all three are in school. I would like to do the 2pm pickup. If they were all in school should I then work the five shorter days instead of four shorter days?

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Original poster
Grenoble124 · 20/06/2023 23:12

sandyhappypeople · 20/06/2023 22:59

That post sounds to me that you are justifying having that time off, when really you don't need to justify anything, you don't need his 'permission' to implement something that will benefit everyone to some level, it's your career and your decision to make.

I think you need to get to the bottom of what is really bothering your DH about it though, if he has the option of reducing his hours (to do the same thing you are proposing) but doesn't actually want to, then why would he begrudge you doing it when that is what you want and would be better for everyone.

I feel like there's a piece of the puzzle that's missing, if this proposal doesn't negatively affect him, why would he even care?

You're absolutely doing the right thing to use the flexibility you've been given!

Show quote history

I suppose the missing piece is that if I work more I earn more. So even though we would be saving anyway, we have the potential to save further if I work the Friday morning.

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