A work / DH one

[Grenoble124]

Hi looking for some perspective please.

We have 3 DCs. DS is 7 and twin DDs 3.

DH and I are the exact same grade although I am higher up the scale and earn more if I work ft.

I am currently able to finish early and shorten the day in nursery as a result without any financial implication. My mil takes DS after school and is paid for this.

I take every Friday off unpaid. The twins are in nursery (free hours) until 12.

All finances are pooled. I had a substantial inheritance which went into house extension ans renovation.

I have done some sums and worked out that from September I would be financially better off to finish at 3 and collect my son myself. The thing is my DH doesn't want me to continue to take the Friday off. I could theoretically squeeze in a half day when the twins are in creche but why should I?

His attitude is that any child free hours not working are doss hours as he put it. And it's pissed me right off.

I have always wanted to reduce my hours and have that work life balance. My job is senior and demanding.

Ultimately as he said I will do what I want but it would be nice to have his support in this. In both scenarios I would still be better off than paying my mil to mind my son.

Thank you.

Tell him he's right, anytime one of you is at home and not working/doing childcare/housework/life admin is "doss time."

You've now tallied it up and because he doesn't do the cooking, the cleaning, the DC drop offs, pick ups, the washing, the organising etc, etc. He has been getting waaaaaaayyyyyy more "doss time" than you.

As HE thinks "doss time" is wrong and unacceptable, HE won't be shying away from not having any any more will he?

What you're going to do OP, is drop down to a 4 day week and in a few years that should even up the "doss time" he's been having throughout your married life so far.

On top of that, HE is going to have to massively step up his game and start equally contributing to the housework and childcare and mental load, as HE has decided that "doss time" is unacceptable in your household and you agree with him; he's 100% right; he's been dossing for too long and that ends now.

Well done for pointing that out OP's DH; it seems that was a massive fucking own goal you twat.

I think your husbands a dick who can’t even provide for his own family and needs to send his wife out to work to make up for his lack of motivation.

Wtf is this response?

And here we have it. Tell him to show you that the cleaning can be done around work - by doing it himself.

Thank you for all the replies. I'll update tomorrow once I have spoken to my boss. Still need his approval.

Makes sense that it would be from a financial standpoint, that’s the only argument against really that I can see, but even then that doesn’t take into account the decent work/life balance that you are looking for, it’s a very ‘business’ way of looking at a very human problem.

I have a similar internal battle at the moment, I own my own business and if I put my DD(2) into nursery, I’d be able to maximise my earning potential through it, but, I’m trying to keep a better work life balance, so I work around DHs shift pattern instead and we share childcare, we earn enough between us for everything we need at the moment.

I ALWAYS use the deathbed analogy when navigating a problem.. I always think am I going to lie there on my death bed and say “I’m glad I worked all those hours while I could” or am I going to lie there thinking “I wish I spent more time with the kids when they were little”

my mum died at 61 having worked all her life and sacrificed so much to get by.. that’s always in the back of my mind too, the future is not guaranteed.

Can't sleep. My Mum died at 67, early dementia. I often think I may not be around at pension time.

The thing is, although this would be child free time, it would absolutely benefit everyone as I would be more on top of things.

Sounds like you have the right balance for now anyway.

He seems to think cleaning can be done around work. Always seems to be me doing it though.

I'd say this, right there, is your problem. He wants to to spend equal time at work and do all the cleaning.

OK, start there, get this disconnect sorted any everything else will work on the same resolution

Good luck.

It's just another way women have been shafted, raised to expect the earn the same as men while still doing the lions share of household chores. Sigh.

He's right, you want some more doss hours. Just admit that you do and take them.
I am a firm believer in doss hours.

I suspect this comment hits the centre of the bullseye.

'Doss time' only a man who spends his free time doing exactly as he pleases would use that phrase! Unless he's happy to have less 'doss time' himself by helping out more around the house, he should keep quiet and let you spend Fridays getting the household organised. Not that you should have to justify yourself, I would tally up how many of your 'doss' hours are currently spent on housework compared to his.

Thanks everyone for your views on this. It really helps to put things in perspective and given me the strength to realise this is my decision to make and that it will ultimately benefit my family.

I spoke to my boss and will now have to wait for a decision on whether my reduced hours will be approved. I was given no guarantees. I don't intend to work Friday until my girls start school. Then I might work 9-2 the five days as I'm not sure anything less would be approved.