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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to go to this wedding- how can I get out of it ?

29 replies

arghhhg · 20/06/2023 21:43

Is this bad form ?

The bride invited us in January to the wedding in august.

I was friends ( part of a group ) with the bride in early twenties and we lived in a house share for a couple of years.

Bride came to my wedding 5 years ago. I've seen her twice since. Once at my birthday party after my wedding and another time a few years later at another wedding.

We don't really communicate. I made an effort to invite her over earlier this year but she couldn't come. Then I got the invite and suggested we she should visit, but no reply.

Would it be mean to not go ? Seeing as she came to my wedding ? I feel like there hasn't been much effort. I think she's also planned a weekend away recently with our friend group ( looked like a type of mixed hen ) and I didn't get an invite to that either. She came to my hen. ( mixed hen do, not the traditional type ).

I just feel like if she can't be bothered to invite me to her hen do / reply to messages asking to hang out/ is not making any effort - why should I go ?

OP posts:
LadyTemperance · 20/06/2023 21:48

Well I don’t see why you would worry about not going as you don’t seem to want to keep in touch. I would go if I wanted to catch up with other people there, otherwise not bother.

Sissynova · 20/06/2023 21:50

Bit weird to not want to go to her wedding because you don’t think you’re close anymore but expect a hen invite at the same time.

If you’re going to cancel you need to do it asap, it’s towards the end of June.

similarminimer · 20/06/2023 21:50

I invited some people to my wedding because I didn't want to leave them out, or make a statement about us drifting apart by excluding them, but was totally fine with them declining. The invitation is a nice gesture, but it's OK to say you cant make it and send good wishes (and save them £60 a head or whatever).

Quveas · 20/06/2023 21:52

You don't need to go if you don't want to. Probably best since you have made her wedding all about you.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 20/06/2023 21:54

Say a family wedding has come up on the same date- wish her well and move on!

ButterCrackers · 20/06/2023 21:54

No excuse needed just send her a card to say that you can’t be at her wedding. Say that you wish her well and look forward to meeting up sometime. Contribute to her wedding list or send a gift.

GoldDuster · 20/06/2023 21:54

I would 100% rather someone declined with good warning than turn up and wish they were elsewhere.

Totalwasteofpaper · 20/06/2023 21:57

You should have cancelled earlier tbh.

I tend to use my work as an excuse - oh no i have to go to:

  • to an team annual planning workshop in NYC
  • a client pitch in X
  • a conference in Y (i always use real conferences)
IcedBananas · 20/06/2023 21:57

Have you already accepted? As per PP just say you’re no longer able to make it due to a family wedding.
in these circumstances it’s best
not to go but tell her asap

Shoxfordian · 20/06/2023 21:59

Have you accepted? It’s fairly shit to accept and then decide you don’t fancy it anymore tbh

shivawn · 20/06/2023 21:59

You've drifted apart and I'd guess she's only inviting you to make up numbers. I'd politely decline but no need to make excuses as to why. Even if you do go, you might never see her again after the wedding.

CleanCar · 20/06/2023 22:01

Do you think youve just been invited to make up the numbers? Just dont go. See if she notices

Notimeforaname · 20/06/2023 22:04

She wont be thinking of you on her wedding day so, go if you want, dont if you dont.

Hoppinggreen · 20/06/2023 22:07

Thank you for the invitation, I am sorry but I am unable to attend.
I hope you have a lovely day and all the best for the future.
Simple

SheSaidHummingbird · 20/06/2023 22:09

I would say it's bad form to accept an invitation to then bail out later, when seating etc. has been confirmed. But it would've be reasonable to decline the January invitation without needing to give a reason.

SchoolShenanigans · 20/06/2023 22:14

YANBU. It sounds like she's inviting you either to be polite as you invited her, or to make up numbers.

Sadly, it doesn't seem like you have a friendship anymore, which is fine, life goes on and friendships change.

Do you want to go? Will you have a good time? If yes, then put the resentment aside and have a good time!

If you don't really fancy it, then YANBU to send your apologies. But I would come up with a good excuse so you don't upset her, a clash with a trip you weren't aware of or something.

drpet49 · 20/06/2023 22:24

shivawn · 20/06/2023 21:59

You've drifted apart and I'd guess she's only inviting you to make up numbers. I'd politely decline but no need to make excuses as to why. Even if you do go, you might never see her again after the wedding.

This

NeedToChangeName · 20/06/2023 22:29

Go or don't go. Either is fine

But don't accept and then step down at the 11th hour. I still remember people who did that to us, and not fondly

Sissynova · 21/06/2023 06:15

CleanCar · 20/06/2023 22:01

Do you think youve just been invited to make up the numbers? Just dont go. See if she notices

Literally terrible advice. Anyone who does this is a massive dick.

londonrach · 21/06/2023 06:18

Go or don't go. The fact you didn't get an invite to a hen party shouldn't be a factor.

CleanCar · 21/06/2023 14:29

Sissynova · 21/06/2023 06:15

Literally terrible advice. Anyone who does this is a massive dick.

Show quote history

??

LadyTemperance · 21/06/2023 15:03

@CleanCar do you have any idea how much time and money goes into a wedding, just not turning up is sooo rude.

Orchidgal · 21/06/2023 15:06

Have you already RSPVd? If not, tell her you can’t come.

If you have, apologise and say there’s been an unexpected change of plan and you can no longer travel during that week.

Easy, and don’t feel bad!

EscapeTheCastle · 21/06/2023 15:28

Waiting to hear if you've RSVP's yet or not.

Opaque11 · 21/06/2023 16:13

I think almost 2 months to cancel is perfectly fine? Doesn't sound that much of a relationship anyway so what do you have to lose? I would just do it now rather than last minute.