Single mum and dating

[AmyJahabee]

I’m a single mum of two daughters 7 and 6, recently broke up from my ex who had no children of his own and honestly he never treated me or my kids as not enough and showed the kids so much kindness, but didn’t work out.

recently a lot of my friends and family keep saying how lucky I was to have him committed to me with two kids and that I should go ask him to come back which I don’t want to do.

is it true that as a single mum I’m going to find it extremely difficult/ even impossible to get a man to love me and see me as a potential wife because of the responsibility they will voluntarily take on other man’s kids.
to add I’m very independent, own home no mortgage in my thirties and look after myself ( attractive looking) and I can look after myself and kids financially without any help really.

can some of share your experience/ advice of if I have any chance to find love again.

I'm beginning to lose hope!

I'm confused! Haven't you done it once already eg obviously not impossible as you have experience of dating with kids. Or is he the dad to your children?

Children will put off some men and not put off others.
Its true that it could be more difficult for you (other than the management around child support to date)

But that is no reason to settle for one man with whom it didn’t work out

@Sunnyfeelgood I have done it before but that was my first since I split with kids dad and I have been now that I don’t understand how lucky I was to have a man accept me as a single mother and should go back to him as I might not be as lucky to find another man to want to date me

I think it's a bit silly to think it won't be harder to date as a single mum than it would be if you didn't have any children that's just common sense really but harder doesn't mean impossible but yes it will be harder. Maybe consider a single dad? But then I've heard single mum's saying they don't want to date single dad's then get offended childless people don't want to date them... I'm a single mum and I know no man would want to date me due to my situation

You're beginning to lose hope and you've only just recently broken up with him?

How about taking a couple of years out to just concentrate on the kids/family life etc?

Whatever will be, will be, when it comes to any possible future relationships, so I wouldn't worry about it for now.

Is the question:
Should I get back together with my ex because I am scared no one else will want me?

In which case, no, that's a terrible reason to be in a relationship.

Will someone else want to date you?
Yes. If your standards are low enough, a man will date you.
Will they be a nice man who you should bring into your kids' lives?
Much more questionable.

Would it be so terrible to be single instead of in a relationship with a not-very-nice man?

You might find the opposite to be true - that’s a nice little set-up for a certain type of man to slip right into. Beware of cock-lodgers that don’t have much going for themselves and won’t bring anything to the table.

But on a nicer note - A decent man would also be attracted to you if you’re living your life confidently and independently. My DP brought so much laughter and a feeling of protection to our household ( exactly what we needed after years of horrible atmospheres with my children’s father) and we all adore him many years on.

You can want more for yourself than your parents want for you.

I’ve been reading a lot about how we carry our family dynamics into our adult relationships. I recommend “Reinventing Your Life” which you can find online as a free pdf. Just skimming through the types of “Life Traps” can be helpful.

I dont know, I find this idea that men 'don't date mums' very strange as most men I know have dated mums. But there may be an age element to all of this.

20s- if you don't have kids then you might want to go for someone else who doesn't have kids
30s- similar, especially as men can date younger
40s- nearly everyone has kids
50s- nearly everyone has kids
60s- kids aren't so much on the agenda as they are more independent

Who are these men dating if not single mums? I know some people choose to go child free, but that is a huge minority!

If she's in her 30s there are many single women who don't have kids (lots who really want them and her hoping to meet someone to have them with!)

I think it sounds like you easily found someone before and you can do again. You're not damaged goods, you sound like a really good catch.

Out of interest, why did the recent relationship end?

Hi OP

i met my partner about 12 years ago, after a crazy career which took me to the top and made life a bubble for me, where I had zero time for anything long term with anyone.

she had two kids, 7 and 11, who are now a lot older and wiser, thanks to having a great mum and welcomed me as step dad, The youngest is heading off to Uni next year. This means that is leaves ‘us’ to be heading off on a round the world trip together.

Yep, I’m a little sad I didn’t meet someone young enough to be a biological dad, and do the whole normal thing, but I’d not swap my step kids for anything, and my partner is amazing and I can’t imagine my life without her. My crazy career means she can retire in her mid 40’s and we can spend the second half of our life pursuing our crazy dreams together without any financial worries.

My point is, If asked, i probably would have declined the single mum stereotype, but when I met my ready baked family, it rocked my world and there hasn’t been a moment of doubt since. I’m not saying there hasn’t been tough points, but like all families, it’s worthwhile.

There are good guys out there and the right one will love you and your family and the life you all make together.

I think it depends on your support work how much time do you have to dedicate to kissing frogs? I have zero tolerance for any hint of wasting my time and of course that does put people off.

But I would keep whoever you date, Next away from your children for a long time. I’ve had relationships over a year long where they have not met my kids.

@CuriouslyDifferent That’s a beautiful situation and you’re right no family is perfect. You’re amazing for truly loving your partner and accepting her complete package. It gives me hope that when the right one comes along it will be easy

LOL
your friends aren't very clever or kind?

My DP is lucky to HAVE ME. As he got two amazing bonus kids. Before us he didn't have a family. He's so lucky.

I expect some men will be put off. But not the quality ones. My lovely, handsome solvent brother married a woman with two children who had different, involved fathers. Not the easiest situation but 25 years on they are still so happy. My brother has great relationships with his stepchildren.

I will say, though: my SIL is a bit of a warrior and (rightly) refused to compromise on her children's wellbeing. She had choice words for anyone who dared suggest she'd got lucky: "He's bloody lucky!"

It probably helped that my brother was himself raised by a single mum who took no shit. He was trained for the role! So my advice is to go forward with great confidence - there is probably a great man out there who will be lucky enough to find you.

You might find the opposite to be true - that’s a nice little set-up for a certain type of man to slip right into. Beware of cock-lodgers that don’t have much going for themselves and won’t bring anything to the table.

Not to mention the even worse but alas too common scenario - paedophiles are very good at using this situation to acquire new victims. They groom the mother into believing they’re good men and defending them. Perfect cover for child rapists.

The problem won't be in finding a man that wants you, it will be finding one who's good enough to be around your children. I might have tolerated low level, suboptimal behaviour when it was just me, but it would be an instant shut down now.
There's a lot of shitbags out there and I won't inflict them on my children.

I think the only single Mum I know who's had any issues with dating/experienced a paucity of decent men has been me. And, that's really because I've got my own life issues that don't make me the best person to take on, tending to attract walking/talking red flags, so I've pretty consciously stayed away from dating since I left my ex 5 years ago.

My friends and acquaintances have all 'successfully' moved on with guys (the latter are a mix of guys who have children of their own and don't). I think the key thing has been these women friends having very much established careers, are financially independent and spent a few years single to heal from the breakdown in the relationship with the fathers of their children.

Honestly, just concentrate on your kids. Why do you need to jump into another relationship anyway?

This. I've been a single mum for 15 years, I'd rather that than have a rubbish man around my DC.

Too many stories of kids being abused by their step parents for me to risk it.

This! This so much! Since when are women incomplete without a man? And why risk it?

Lone parent here. Can I suggest you take some time off and focus on you, your kids your career etc?

I didn't date for about 6 years and it was the best decision I made.

I got super confident and comfortable on my own which meant I then wasn't prepared to compromise when I did feel ready.

As it turns out I did meet someone but we also put out kids first and been together a few years but won't be moving in together until his son of off to Uni this year.....we put our kids first.

So just take a step back and stop worrying. Focus on other things. You will find someone else.

I have taken 4 years since I break up with kids father and my last boyfriend was my first since the kids dad. I have an established career and kids are well settled and happy. I have standard in selecting the right man and that is making it difficult. As I have lots of guys asked me out but all haven’t get up to the standard I’m looking for in a man. Yes I would rather be single than be with any shit man just for companionship/ or someone who will create hell to my happy family as I don’t really need a man but would be nice to find a decent guy who I share life with. I will not tolerate any abuse towards my children