Single mum and dating

[AmyJahabee]

I’m a single mum of two daughters 7 and 6, recently broke up from my ex who had no children of his own and honestly he never treated me or my kids as not enough and showed the kids so much kindness, but didn’t work out.

recently a lot of my friends and family keep saying how lucky I was to have him committed to me with two kids and that I should go ask him to come back which I don’t want to do.

is it true that as a single mum I’m going to find it extremely difficult/ even impossible to get a man to love me and see me as a potential wife because of the responsibility they will voluntarily take on other man’s kids.
to add I’m very independent, own home no mortgage in my thirties and look after myself ( attractive looking) and I can look after myself and kids financially without any help really.

can some of share your experience/ advice of if I have any chance to find love again.

I'm beginning to lose hope!

Prioritise your children. I doubt if a third father (figure) is going to benefit them at their age.

The trouble with saying one wouldn’t tolerate abuse of one’s children is that one has to know the warning signs. Child sexual predators are very good at hiding what they’re doing.

Yes of course it limits the dating pool but it doesn't mean it's impossible .
Plenty of single mothers go on to meet other partners.

Honestly sounds like you would be better off just remaining single, and just casually dating as and when you get free time or fancy a fling.

I can't imagine the complexities of trying to fit a new man in around an established family unit, given how risky it would be for your kids to have a parter of yours around - isn't it proven that step dads / mums boyfriends are the highest risk of CSA?

Plus, even the good men involve a lot of compromise and work to make life good, and it sounds like you can have a lovely life just you and dds.

This is also what I was going to say. I’m also a single (divorced) parent to two kids.

I don’t think it’s sensible to go into this situation looking for someone to “make you a wife”. This can just end up with you settling for someone who’s not good for you or your kids.

Take some time to concentrate on yourself, your aims and career, your hobbies, your kids and your little family that you have now.

For me, any dating I might do would just be for fun and enjoyment right now. If I meet someone I really like all well and good, but wouldn’t ever want to bring another man into my children’s home anyway. There’s time when they’re grown.

You don't need a man. Don't risk it.

Why are single parents always expected to 'work on themselves' and not date?

Usually said by all the posters in relationships

Of course she doesn't need a man - can none of you read? But she might want one.

Stop shaming her and go work on yourselves 😃

No one is shaming her, we are just saying it's ok not to, that it's liberating in a way. Society often pressures or socialised us to want to couple up.... it's ok not to is all.

Plus as a lone parent myself I've had some of the best times being single

@jeaux90

You might be saying that, but plenty of posters were just being misogynistic and arrogant.

As a single mother, it is truly tedious the amount of opinions others have on your life. And it's even more tedious to do deal with the assumption that because you are single mother you need to 'work on yourself' - no one tells married people to do this ad nausem!

I'm a widowed parent and I've been happy alone and in relationships- but I have never felt compelled to 'work on myself' so society would permit me to date!

OP - IMHO part of being a successful single parent is learning to stick two fingers up to society sometimes. Because it still, really doesn't like us

I split from exh nearly 6 years ago, spent time alone focusing on my children, myself and my career. Dated a bit but nothing serious came about because I knew what I wanted and what I was worth by that point (exh was abusive and destroyed my self esteem). Eventually accepted I was actually happy on my own with my children, family and friends and was focused on making our lives the best they could be and met my dp. He is a wonderful man who has taken everything in his stride. He’s kind, considerate, caring and so wonderful I can’t even describe it. We took things quite slowly (although not as slowly as MN would probably suggest!) and have been together coming up 3 years now and have a baby on the way. My kids get on with him brilliantly and my home is full of laughter and banter. Basically, don’t give up hope necessarily- it can and does happen but don’t settle for any old shit because you feel you’re defective in some way for being a single mum. Know your worth and someone else will see that too.

Everyone has a "dating score", it's like a credit score, but more subtle.

Let's get real, these days, men get VERY little benefit from a relationship with a woman. That's not some "anti-feminist, anti-woman" thing, it's reality. As women, we are not shy in telling the world how great we are, how much we deserve, how we won't date any man who isn't earning 100k, has his own place, wants kids etc. BUT, we don't seem to accept that men also have their own standards. If we don't want a man, for whatever reason, we say "he doesn't deserve me", "he's a loser", "he's not good enough to be with me".

Well, man do the same with us, and most of us have NOTHING to offer except an over-inflated sense of self-importance, a pair of "love island lips" and a bitchy attitude. And those are just the women without kids.

In reality, single men, who aren't fathers, have ZERO interest in a LTR with a woman who has kids. And even less desire to be with a someone who says things like "I dont need a man", because men want to be needed, they are driven to be providers and protectors, and if the first thing you say is "I dont need you to provide anything, or offer an protection" then why should they be with you?

In respect of being a "single mother", all things considered, those kids are about THE worst thing you can have on your "dating file". It's like asking a bank for a loan when you can't afford the repayments. So, that leaves you with the men who already have kids. And in 99% of those cases, there will be a "psycho ex" or whatever term the guy will put on the woman who he views as having taken his kids and home away from him. For those men, a LTR is the last thing they are going to want. A quick shag maybe, but they have no interest in playing second fiddle to a five year old.

Much as we might want to view ourselves as the smoking hot, alpha female, that men just can't resist. Men just don't see us like that.

So yes, it will be significantly harder for you to find a man who wants to "take on" you and your kids. That's not misogyny, it's reality. Forget men who don't already have kids, you've already see how that just doesn't work. If you can't wait until your kids are adults (which is what I would recommend) then find a guy with kids, at least they understand something of the reality of taking care of them.

But you need to drop the "I don't need a man" attitude, from my guy friends, thats THE biggest turn off for guys.

Wow Andrew are you writing that from prison or did they give you house arrest/bail ?

This has made me laugh and feel sorry for the poster at the same time. Obviously is in a bubble of toxic Tate followers. The vast majority of men are not like this, don't take your very limited life experience and try act like it is the objective truth.

@3BSHKATS

Thank you, that's the best thing I'll read on the internet all week

If i wanted to be brutal id point out these “low value men” havent been providing sufficiently for the past 30 years and are neither use nor ornament.

The ones that do actually earn good salaries are so paranoid about “loosing” half they don’t bring anything to the table. The ones that want to share everything they’ve got, usually got nothing to share but want a bit of ours.

So then we just left with their amazing bodies and sparkling personalities. This is of course when they’re not psychologically or physically abusing us. God help us

It IS the objective truth.

Outside the mumsnet bubble, in the real world, women with children are not high up on any single man's dating agenda.

It might make you feel better about your particular situation to say otherwise, but the truth is just that.

Why should any man date a woman with kids who aren't his?

Give me a list?

Exactly my point.

"Low value men", that's a phrase Andrew Tate might use when describing people.

Like I said, attitudes like that are the reason men don't date single women who use that kind of language.

Think of the message you're giving your daughter's. Life isn't complete unless you have a man to love you. Is that how you want them to think?

@onefinemess why should any woman date a man. Give me a list ?

And yes I know thats an “Andrew Tate” comment. I was using it against you.

But Actually, no, I’m being mean I might date one, but I certainly wouldn’t hitch my wagon to him whether I had children or not.

Men are absolutely furious that social pressure and societal norms have changed so they are basically surplus to requirement now.

they need to pull their socks up and earn the right to join a woman in a home, and if they won’t do that, it’ll be their loss. There’s thousands of reports from research that suggest single women I’m much happier on their own. Does that apply to men ?

Sounds awful to say but I expect a big part of it depends what your kids are like, if they are delightful, well mannered I suspect it's a lot easier than if they are on the other end of the spectrum. Mid-life you come to expect kids, some will be put off by it, others will accept or even relish it, particularly if they don't have their own.

If you find someone do be clear quite early if you'd have more, I've read too many posts where mum will have one, in part to give him his own child, but he wants two and you end up with four and wow, you're a big family or he ends up wanting more.

@onefinemess

Why should any man date a woman with kids who aren't his?
Give me a list?

I am not saying men 'should' I am saying they 'do'. Reasons below:

•sex
•comfort
•as man said above - ready made family
•avoiding loneliness
•lack of women their age who are child free and single
•lots of men fall in love with women who hap to have kiss

I can only speak from my own experience... but all of my previously single mum friends are in new relationships... some great, some not so great. You can chat all you like about dating scores etc.... but this doesn't commonly happen in real life as those people looking for high scores get left single.

With your narrative.... why would anyone date anyone?!

@3BSHKATS

So true, they're FUMING that we no longer need them.

As a single dating mother, I had to sift so through so many men DESPERATE for my ready made family.

@HopelessEstateAgents ah yes I do totally get you now, I agree. We have to definitely stick two fingers up and walk our own path.

@HopelessEstateAgents thank you so much for bringing this to light. If anything which ever man I’m dating will be lucky to have me and my kids as a family unit. I don’t understand why I have to till kids are 18 and start looking. I know exactly what I want and the standard I’m looking, so not looking for any shit man that show me attention because I’m desperate. I’m not desperate and I know how it exactly feel to be in a shit relationship so will never compromise my happy life for highly potential shit relationship.