Help me work out what I am feeling

[anthonybourdainsfurrowedbrow]

I have a sibling who is a very bad person. Addictions, crime, abusive, lazy. Abandoned their young child to avoid paying CM. Stolen from family. Physically assaulted family. Caused bad road accidents from drink driving. Has barely worked a day in their life. They have had every single opportunity of family support over and over and over again. They have done some truly terrible things that are always forgiven. No one seems to ever want to admit they have a serious addiction problem on top of generally just being a massive arsehole. Our parents and family always think that if they just love and support them over and over again, one day they magically will not be an alcoholic abuser. Time and time again, this blows up in their face. With the exception of losing their driving license, they never seem to face any sort of repercussions for their behaviour.

They are now on opportunity 736465, with my parents helping them find a job. They are doing really well, and the manager has promoted them several times very quickly. The result of this is an obscenely high salary.

And I am RAGING about it, and I cant out how to not be.

I have worked my arse off for 20 years, raised a wonderful family. We are really struggling financially atm, but we are going without to make sure out DC have what they need. I have done everything 'right'. I have supported family, been generous with my time and money and love.

And yet my sibling has had a huge salary fall onto their lap (the same as our two salaries combined).

And...its not that I want them to fail? I don't want them to NOT have money and do well, and finally get their shit together. Even if I know deep in my bones there isn't a fairytale ending for them.

Am I jealous? Resentful? I cant seem to find an emotion that seems to describe how I am feeling. Perhaps my own financial stressors are causing me to be extra sensitive about it?

Also for voting, I know I am being unreasonable. I just need to know WHY!

It's just a mixture of resentment and a feeling life isn't fair. Which it rarely is , sadly.

You're jealous I think.

It may help to reframe what you're comparing. (And of course, comparison is the thief of joy.) You're only looking at salary, and using that as a kind of benchmark of success. However, there are multiple aspects of success. Ask yourself:

• Are they truly happy?
• Will this last?
• Will it buy them love, stability, freedom from addiction?
• Will they enjoy the money, use it to get a lovely home or nice car, or will they squander it on drink, drugs and gambling?
• Do you think they may possibly envy your life?
• Would people call this person a friend? Are they someone who people turn to in a crisis, or someone who's known as being kind, fun or interesting? Or are they someone that people tend to avoid?
• It may appear that they don't care about anything they've done. But do you know if and what dark thoughts consume them at 1am? Is it possible they are masking shame with more bad behaviour? ("If they think I'm such a **, I'll act like one")

I think it's natural to feel weird about someone achieving something quickly that took you years, or when someone who we think of (rightly or wrongly, consciously or unconsciously) as unworthy seems to reap great rewards while the worthy make do with less. But you never know what other people have been through, and you never know what someone else has to come.

But you've already said you're raging (in capitals) so you already know how you feel. Instead of obsessing about sibling and what they've done or what they have, try concentrate on your own life. If you're unhappy with the amount you earn, put all your efforts into maximising your income, go for promotion, retrain whatever. Jealously and resentment will not improve your own lifestyle

I get it. I imagine it’s a mix of emotions, which might be why it feels confusing. I’m all for people bettering themselves and being given chances, but I can see why this might sting a bit. Seems your parents have given your sibling chances and support for good reason though, they believed hemming them and they made your parents proud. It doesn’t matter how much support is offered to someone though, it takes the person accepting support to do a lot of the work. It seems your resentment is more about their job and career development though - how much of that is really down to your parents?

YADNBU - the man is profiting both financially and in terms of intangibles (status etc) off the back of the absolute misery he has inflicted on others?! Of course it's ridiculously unfair. And , it's not exactly a leap of the imagination to think that presumably he hasn't suddenly found a heart and is paying back everything he took from others both financially and emotionally.
I'm pretty interested to know what this new job is though as that might change things slightly or give further insight.
I wonder if he is REALLY.... REALLY earning the type of money you suggest, I bet he's exaggerating.

I am not in any way condoning the awful stuff your sibling has done. But the way you describe them is that they are playing fast and easy and being reckless with the rules of life.

People who take huge risks often at the expense of others sometimes have huge gains (and losses). I wonder it there is an element of you wanting to be rewarded for being nice and playing by the rules and feeling bitter thst they get chance after chance and get rewarded, despite doing lots of bad stuff?

Thank you so much for this considered response.

And no, I do not think the money will change who they are inside. I imagine within a year there will be another disaster because the one thing they cannot do is control their addictions or do the work to overcome them.

And that genuinely makes me sad. I wish money and a job would just fix everything for them.

They are such a troubled person that all the money in the world would not have me switch places with them. And you are right, a moment of self-reflection makes me realise how wonderful my life really is. I am grateful every day for that.

Oh yes, absolutely. And I know my own ego at play here, for sure.

I know a few people who fall in dirt but seem to come up smelling of roses. They are not particularly nice people either , they just get the breaks / money or whatever and can be quite smug about it too.

Justifiably so, in my view. It must be incredibly galling to watch the black sheep of the family have everyone bend over backwards despite them being a total shit, and then for them to end up having a ton of money thrown in their lap.

No wonder the OP is pissed off. I would be too.

I think even if they suddenly became very generous with their new salary, that would also annoy me? Because it would be 'Sibling did this! Sibling did that! Arent they lovely!'.

And they SHOULD do all those things to start repaying the huge emotional and financial debt they owe people.

I do wonder though, if my parents etc so enthusiastically complimenting them doing even the most basic of gestures is a way to help hide the deeper truths and worry they have about them.

Nothing wrong with how you feel however

Sometimes people do grow up.

Let's hope he has.

But I can understand how you feel resentment at his recent achievements.

If you weren't emotionally attached would you begrudge someone else turning their life around even at a late stage in life?

People come out of prison and some are rehabilitated, not all but some and should we have I'll feeling if they make something of themselves?

I think your feelings are completely valid though.

If they are such a big fuck up, it is only a matter of time before they fuck up and lose all that they have gained.

How large a salary are we talking. because the role can’t be that challenging if someone as dysfunctional as you say they are is able to walk into the role and earn really well almost immediately. Is it something that you could do?

Oh God I would be EXACTLY the same!

Anyway, in all seriousness I love the emotional wheel to help work out how I am feeling. Interestingly I don't think Jealousy is included (which seems like an oversight), but I guess it is wound up in contempt!

https://www.6seconds.org/2022/03/13/plutchik-wheel-emotions/

Ask yourself, OP, if you could change places where would you prefer to be and which of you are the happier?

Well, regardless of how they got the job, presumably your sibling is being promoted repeatedly because they’re good at their job? Which has nothing to do with whether or not they are a nice, responsible person, a safe driver, or a good parent. Or indeed an addict, if they can manage to keep their drinking under control so as not to impede their functioning at work. And regardless of whether they’ve never worked a day in their life before, they must be showing up regularly and working hard now?

If their addiction spirals out of control again, I assume the job will fall by the wayside., but for now, you may need to accept that bad people can be brilliant at a job, and be paid appropriately.

The thing that surprises me is that this person managed to get a very highly-paid job without qualifications (assuming from what you say of their past that they don’t have any) and with (again from what you say) with criminal convictions for assault and drink driving.

On the bright side, presumably they are now liable to be pursued for proper child support?

Regardless, just be happy and relieved that they won't be falling back on you.
But, I am curious as to what this job is? How did they manage to get such a great job, keep it and get promoted if they were previously such a fuck up? Didn't they, at least, need references?

Just to answer a few questions that have come up about it - its working as a contractor in the building trade. The boss has taken a shine to them, and has paid for them to to do several courses to up their skill level.

On a very cynical note, how do you know sibling has this salary? Are parents out boasting about it? If so that's cruel, especially if they know you're scrimping.

It sounds like your parents are pouring all of their resources into the Prodigal Sibling. Wouldn't it be nice if they moved heaven and earth to get you into a cushy situation? Or even threw you you a bone once in a while? It's like you're not worthy of their attention since you're not a fuck-up.

Is it in some way more rewarding and dramatic for them to play rescuer to the fuck-up than to have a normal relationship with you?

That's really obnoxious and of course you're fed up. Next time one of them contacts you to crow about Fuck-Up, try saying, "Yes I heard. But I'd like to hear how you're doing, and tell you about the kids. Can we have one conversation about that for a change?"

A lack of justice, perhaps?

Honestly, I know a lot of people in the building trade, and I don’t think many would take on, far less promote, a non-driver with multiple criminal convictions. Are you sure this is true?