Help me work out what I am feeling

[anthonybourdainsfurrowedbrow]

I have a sibling who is a very bad person. Addictions, crime, abusive, lazy. Abandoned their young child to avoid paying CM. Stolen from family. Physically assaulted family. Caused bad road accidents from drink driving. Has barely worked a day in their life. They have had every single opportunity of family support over and over and over again. They have done some truly terrible things that are always forgiven. No one seems to ever want to admit they have a serious addiction problem on top of generally just being a massive arsehole. Our parents and family always think that if they just love and support them over and over again, one day they magically will not be an alcoholic abuser. Time and time again, this blows up in their face. With the exception of losing their driving license, they never seem to face any sort of repercussions for their behaviour.

They are now on opportunity 736465, with my parents helping them find a job. They are doing really well, and the manager has promoted them several times very quickly. The result of this is an obscenely high salary.

And I am RAGING about it, and I cant out how to not be.

I have worked my arse off for 20 years, raised a wonderful family. We are really struggling financially atm, but we are going without to make sure out DC have what they need. I have done everything 'right'. I have supported family, been generous with my time and money and love.

And yet my sibling has had a huge salary fall onto their lap (the same as our two salaries combined).

And...its not that I want them to fail? I don't want them to NOT have money and do well, and finally get their shit together. Even if I know deep in my bones there isn't a fairytale ending for them.

Am I jealous? Resentful? I cant seem to find an emotion that seems to describe how I am feeling. Perhaps my own financial stressors are causing me to be extra sensitive about it?

With the track record I doubt the job will last long.

Thank you for updating. Working in construction is very unreliable and it may go to shit but I still think you need to work on yourself and be happy for him in the meantime. Resentment only hurts you, not the other person, easy to say, I know.

You're jealous, a bit fed up and generally just put out. Is this salary and job helping your sibling? Do you think this will help them stay on track?

It's not fair, but if it keeps them out of trouble it will benefit you.

I understand OP. It's a sense of injustice.

As much as we know as adults that life isn't fair and playing by the rules / being kind etc doesn't mean you get 'ahead' in life, it smarts when you've done your best to be a decent person, worked hard etc and others who haven't done those things (who have personally hurt you and loved ones) end up 'ahead' on the tickboxes of success. Even if we know with our sensible hats on that those tickboxes aren't everything and might not even last.

We know it's just that life is not fair and we know that their success / wins don't detract from ours, but it is (I think) only human to get periods of real anger about perceived injustice in this sort of situation.

YANBU @anthonybourdainsfurrowedbrow at all.

It's the prodigal son thing, isn't it?

You've worked hard & done the right thing. As women & girls are socialised to do (because if we didn't, the world would fall apart).

But your sibling (I'm guessing brother - the behaviour seems so stereotypically masculine, as does your parents' parenting) has done whatever he's liked, and wrecked many others' lives, and he ends up rich and without a care (apparently).

But he's still an addict and he's still abusive.

Is there also something here about the differential treatment of the two of you by your parents? (I'm also guessing you're the elder of the two of you). Can you open up a conversation with your parents about your current struggles? Could they help you, or perhaps your DC - their grand children?

On the other hand, you have the satisfaction of knowing you have made a good life on your own terms and by your own efforts.

But I understand the frustration. And that you're uncomfortable with yourself for resenting your sibling so much.

If your sibling were not a family member, but someone your family is close to, what would you think about him [her]? What relationship or attitude would you have to him?

And I know my own ego at play here, for sure.

Please don't beat yourself up @anthonybourdainsfurrowedbrow What you describe, and the "golden child" treatment your sibling has had from your parents, is deeply unjust - not just unfair, but unjust.

You are not a bad person to be resentful of this. Your sibling has behaved very badly and has damaged & hurt others. It is not ego to see this, and resent the support your sibling has had.

I can totally understand this reaction.

I think you have to ask yourself, though, what is provoking this jealousy.

I don't mean to sound sanctimonious but jealousy and envy are rarely about the target of the jealousy, they are about the person experiencing the jealousy.

You are objectively right that it's not "fair" that this person has been given so many chances and has apparently landed on their feet, while you have done everything by the book, played the game right, and been rewarded with much less.

But to be honest that's true of most people who are financially better off. Most billionaires are wealthy through a combination of hard work, luck and circumstance. There's very rarely a linear connection between input and output. What is it that makes you feel so bad in this case?

I suspect at some level you feel resentful that you've done everything "right" and not been rewarded accordingly. You need to use this opportunity to figure out what it tells you about your own life. Maybe you actually regret not taking more risks, not following your heart in many ways etc.

You can't control this person or what your family does for them. And you can't really blame your family. Families will do what they can to bail their kids out. It's just life. Focus on what you can control, which is your own life, and trying to get the best out of it.

I don’t think this is about salaries, I think this goes back to the very fundamentals of childhood and is about how we all compete with our siblings to a degree for the same amount of love, attention and validation from our parents.

Your sibling has done everything wrong and elicited huge amounts of love and attention from your parents.

And you’ve done everything right and have perhaps had less love and attention and validation from them.

That is bloody infuriating for a start!

(In reality, they certainly love you as much as your sibling op, and probably love you more, but in a way that’s much quieter, because you haven’t caused them the same degree of heartbreak, and they don’t show this love to you as much because your sibling has taken up so much “air” time, they need to appear to be “fair” as parents and the parental instinct is to fight fires with whatever child is in crisis at the time and put their attention there.)

I think you have probably been forced to always be the responsible one, and to align yourself with how your parents feel … and you probably have found that their emotions for your sibling are probably not that different to your own …. in that they love them but hate their behaviour and they are probably on tenterhooks waiting for your sibling to screw up the next opportunity but desperately hoping they won’t and out of loyalty, they are of course not saying that to you.

And I think your rage is understandable op in this situation if it has never been spoken about openly within the family. Your op indicates that there has been a lot of covered up emotion and lack of openness. To a degree your parents are covering up the hurt that has been caused to them and to you while this has been going on. And you haven’t had any say or control over it and yet it has affected you deeply.

You probably don’t want to put more pressure on your parents but I think it’s ok to gently remind them that you also value their love, time and attention. And maybe create a few opportunities this summer where you can be together without your other sibling and talk to them honestly. Tell them you are feeling mixed emotions about this.

I think also the other helpful question might be “what purpose is this emotion of rage serving?”

If you explore that, perhaps with the help of a therapist, you might find that its a sign that you need to put some boundaries in place, that you have been drawn in to a family collusion of sorts where hurts have not been sufficiently acknowledged and you now need to draw a line for the sake of your own mh. And it may be a sign that you need to take a step back from your parents and your sibling while they continue to engage in this endless alligator roll of emotion and fire fighting.

Your parents evidently can’t step back from it yet until they decide to do so, because it’s their job to keep trying until they decide they no longer can.

But you don’t have that obligation op. You are an adult and you can free yourself and step back a little and tell your parents that you are doing so. You are allowed to acknowledge the hurt that has been done to you in all of this. And you are allowed to draw a line and say that as far as you are concerned …. “enough is enough”.

If your sibling ever gets to the point where they are fully recovered they may one day acknowledge the hurt that was done to you during your childhood and the huge strain they put on your family as a whole, but that sounds a long way off as yet and you are allowed to step back from them in the meantime.

If this job and salary are that easy to get, why don't your parents help you get the same job

It's the lack of self awareness and self reflection that's really pissing you off. If he "owned" his past and mistakes, I wonder if you'd feel so angry? Also how much help have your parents given him?

Are your parents talking about how great sibling is and how well they are doing? Do they praise him in a way that makes it sound like you are being compared?

If you are having to bite your tongue about the shit things they've done/do but you're expected to join in saying they are great - that's hugely frustrating and rage inducing.

Your sibling has done everything wrong and elicited huge amounts of love and attention from your parents.

And you’ve done everything right and have perhaps had less love and attention and validation from them.

Very wise.

Life, unfortunately, isn’t like TV. Usually on TV good things happen to good people and bad things happen to bad people. It feels right and satisfying to have that narrative. In real life shit bags (like Jimmy Saville for example) often live wonderful lives where non of the terrible things they do catch up with them.
YANBU to feel horrible about this situation

What you are feeling is completely normal. Most people would feel exactly the same.

It's not fair.

But remember, it's also not sustainable. There's very little chance he'll still be in that role in a year's time if he's as bad as you say. They'll see through him.

He sounds like a waste of space. The reality is, it's family and loved ones that make life do meaningful and it sounds like he's been awful to everyone that's ever cared about him. He's missed the true meaning of life, and that's sad.