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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Struggling with in-law dynamic

49 replies

Mummy3andthedog · 20/06/2023 15:46

My sister in law is 35 and still lives at home with my in-laws. She is completely healthy. She is a nice and perfectly sociable person, but has no friends apart from a couple of local cousins who sometimes have drinks together.

She has a good job but works from home full time. Her parents shop for her, cook for her, clean for her (her mum even strips and remakes her bed ffs). She has zero credit history because she's never had to pay a bill in her life, and she pays no rent as she is "saving for a deposit" (although she has well over £100,000 in the bank). I wonder why she doesn't move out?!

I really struggle with the dynamic. My husband was always encouraged to stand on his own two feet and be independent. The complete extremes in the way they are treated is really strange to me.

This has always been odd, but recently has started to become a bigger and bigger issue. It's the elephant in the room. My husband feels like things are very unfair - he paid rent from 16 until he was told he had to move out at 20 because they wanted to downsize to a two-bed flat. We are taking a family holiday next year for my FIL's 70th birthday, and have all had to pay our "share" of her single-person supplement.

Whenever she is faced with an adult task, my husband is called in to help her. Recently her car needed an MOT, so my FIL asked my DH to drive to meet her at the garage so she wouldn't have to get the bus home. My parents in law went away for a few days last week and my DH had to go to their house to let in a pre-arranged plumber, because she was "worried" about dealing with them...

We are close to my parents in law, but the tension has become quite palpable and it's really started to be a problem when we're with them. And she is ALWAYS there so we can't talk to them alone.

She is not in anyway autistic and doesn't have any other kind of neurodivergence which would explain her behaviour. I think she's both enjoying the easy life and also so institutionalised that she genuinely doesn't know how to function as an adult.

I just... don't know how to bite my tongue anymore!! Any words of advice?!

OP posts:
TheWorstMitch · 20/06/2023 15:50

I think there must be more going on. Sounds like mental health problems if her anxiety is so bad she can’t take the bus or deal with a plumber.

But whatever the reason I think I would the same as your DP. Must feel pretty frustrating. Ultimately nothing you can do though.

TulipofUtrecht · 20/06/2023 15:51

You can't change her, or them, but you can change how you respond to the requests. E.g. only paying for yourself on holiday and declining to contribute towards her costs. Saying no to requests to help her let a plumber in/get home from car MOT.

saraclara · 20/06/2023 15:56

You need to stay fault no.

"Dad, she's an adult. She's 35 years old. She is perfectly able to get a bus/talk to a plumber/whatever. I have far too many adult commitments and responsibilities of my own to drop everything and treat her as though she's 13. She is not a child and as an independent adult I'm way too busy to do this"

Kitkatcatflap · 20/06/2023 15:56

It sounds like as if they treat her like a baby and she enjoys it. You are not going to like this but you and your DH are on on the act. You should have refused to pay a part of her single supplement - especially as she has a good job, no outgoings and savings and your DH should have refused to deal with the plumber in the house she is living in.

Obviously there are numerous variations but these situations where the parents support, cook & clean for adult children are very odd, the person living at home never grows up and the parents always have live in giant baby

PrrrplePineapple · 20/06/2023 15:57

TulipofUtrecht · 20/06/2023 15:51

You can't change her, or them, but you can change how you respond to the requests. E.g. only paying for yourself on holiday and declining to contribute towards her costs. Saying no to requests to help her let a plumber in/get home from car MOT.

This.

saraclara · 20/06/2023 15:57

You need to stay fault no.

?

You need to say no.

MinnieGirl · 20/06/2023 15:59

She gets away with this because you allow it.

Your DH didn’t need to go to the garage….or let the plumber in, and you didn’t need to pay for her single supplement. Start putting boundaries in place.

When booking a holiday refuse point blank to pay for anyone else’s anything! SiL has no outgoings, unlike you. She can afford it. If in laws don’t like thwt don’t go on holiday with them.

If hubby is asked to let the plumber in say it’s not convenient and it’s really rather silky that SiL can’t deal with a plumber at her age.

Stop going along with this nonsense…. If I wad your DH I would be demented….

Raindropsarefallingheavily · 20/06/2023 16:01

Smile smugly that dh will never be needed in ils old age....
Your dh can say no to these requests of helping his dsis....

Janella · 20/06/2023 16:02

You've got some good advice here. I agree with the PP who says you are inadvertently in on the act. Refuse to pay the extra and and say sorry not available to partake in other tasks like letting the plumber in.

If you feel generous some time perhaps talk to her to see what's really going on. It can't have been her plan to be in this position, and having ageing parents facilitating this mollycoddling is making it hard for her to break free and branch out on her own. In a few years time they'll need more help from her (perhaps) and then she'll be stuck that way instead.

Avoidance is serving a purpose for her.

CuriousGeorge80 · 20/06/2023 16:08

My brother was like this (not as extreme). I soon learnt to just say no. No when he asked to borrow money, no when my mum asked me to sort stuff for him. I wasn’t rude or it about it, I just said no every time. I don’t get asked now. That’s all you can do!

Original poster
Mummy3andthedog · 20/06/2023 18:01

Thanks for the comments. You're right there is definitely some MH, but it's not cripplingly bad - she is very comfortable and happy in social situations as long as someone else has made arrangements.

I am happy saying no, but DH is worried about upsetting the apple cart. Honestly I think we need to sit down and be very honest with them all!

OP posts:
Sigmama · 20/06/2023 18:08

If it was directly impacting me, I'd say something, apple cart or no apple cart

AmandaHoldensLips · 20/06/2023 18:08

There is more to this than meets the eye.

Everybody is enabling her because nobody wants to "upset the apple cart" as you put it.

Her having no friends is very telling.

You're probably best to stay well out of it because if you instigate any upsetting of the apple cart then you will be scapegoated and made to take all the blame for any resulting family upset.

Createausername1970 · 20/06/2023 18:12

I think you should address this. Not least because your mil and fil won't be around for ever and may need support themselves at some point in the future. You do not want to end up having to "care" for her in the future.

Iloveacurry · 20/06/2023 18:15

What will she do when they get older? Become their carer? What will happen when they pass away? Move in with you?

IsThereAnEchoInHere · 20/06/2023 18:22

Uuuhhmm…

Not really seeing what the problem is here.
Let them be.
If you don’t want to (your husband to) help, then don’t, but leave them to it.
Stop comparing, that’s weird.

Kilorrery · 20/06/2023 18:27

If your DH feels exploited, then he needs to make it clear he’s not her personal support animal, and isn’t planning to step in to replace their parents once they are no longer around. Otherwise, other than spending less time with your ILs and being less enmeshed in the dynamic, I don’t see that it’s your place to do anything, really. If your DH feels resentful and disadvantaged, he needs to deal with it himself — his parents, his sibling. I don’t think it’s wildly unusual for parental resources to be overwhelmingly poured into the fragile/non-functioning/unsuccessful child. Certainly the case in my own family, and among my mother’s siblings, where the brother with poor MH inherited the family home (which he has allowed to fall into literal ruin over the past 30 years).

Freddiefox · 20/06/2023 18:30

Honestly you don’t really know what’s going on here. Your dh was encouraged to be independent. That’s great and it seems to have worked for you, but sil has been kept close. It’s not so great for her, she has no life outside the home and family.

I wonder what the driver is for both your in laws and sil. I wonder if they have stifled her.

Nyna · 20/06/2023 18:54

I wouldn’t “sit with them and have an honest conversation”. I would just say no every time I was asked. I think that will upset the apple cart less, as you put it. M
But yeah, saying no to all that is definitely needed.

AlfietheSchnauzer · 20/06/2023 18:58

Hang on, you a had to pay a share of her holiday cost (single person supplement is a holiday cost she herself, owed) when she has £100k+ in the bank???? WTAF

DemelzaandRoss · 20/06/2023 19:11

Not your business really. Of course any requests made to you, refuse if necessary. How others live their lives is up to them. Maybe they just enjoy each other’s company.

Original poster
Mummy3andthedog · 20/06/2023 19:12

The point about care is interesting. She has said openly and in front of them that she will not care for them. She doesn't help them out at all nowadays (e.g. will not go to the shops for them or run errands) and has said it is not her job to do it when they're older. She has decided we will sell the house and pay for care (!!).

To be clear, she is perfectly capable of doing these things, she just doesn't. The PIL go to Spain quite regularly leaving her at home, and when they do, she cleans, shops and cooks for herself (well, actually my MIL does batch cook, but SIL will go to the shops for bread and milk). However, she won't vacuum communal areas or make the home nice for their return because "it's not her mess"?!

I care because a. it does impact me and my husband when the atmosphere is so bad and we don't want to upset our relationship with his parents b. I actually quite like her (despite this) and would like her to be happy and live her own life - she says she really wants kids, she just doesn't make any effort to find that. I think the PIL have tried so hard to help her out that they've actually ended up killing her with kindness, I don't know how she's ever going to survive alone!

OP posts:
AlfietheSchnauzer · 20/06/2023 19:13

I'm stunned.

Genuinely, god's honest truth - stunned. She's only 3 years younger than me and whilst I haven't exactly made my parents proud with academic achievements (besides a foundation degree), in the last 22 years I've done the following:

Lived alone at 16
Emigrated to America at 19.
Came back to the UK in my 20s
Got married and had a child at 30
Lost my DH a year later (becoming disabled myself in the same incident which killed my DH) and became a widowed, disabled single parent to a child with special needs and have metaphorically crawled along the ground to survive & provide for (& advocate for) my child ever since (Not much at all compared to some people out there I know).
ALL whilst this woman was having her bedsheets changed for her & her shopping done for her. What?????

I'm sorry but your in-laws have done this. These situations don't just happen, this has been manipulated into what it is, by either the parents or the daughter.
From what you've said, it sounds like the parents. I'm going to speculate that the parents are frightened of losing their 'little girl' and have created a safe little 'nest' with such luxuries that almost anyone would be pained to voluntarily give up. This is abuse

AlfietheSchnauzer · 20/06/2023 19:17

I'm probably going to be ripped apart for saying it's abuse but a parent's job is to teach their child how to survive. Like Birds being led by their mother, Ducklings being taught to swim & hunt by their mother. A human mother's job is to teach at least some level of independence

skilpadde · 20/06/2023 19:18

TulipofUtrecht · 20/06/2023 15:51

You can't change her, or them, but you can change how you respond to the requests. E.g. only paying for yourself on holiday and declining to contribute towards her costs. Saying no to requests to help her let a plumber in/get home from car MOT.

Absolutely this.

OP, your husband should let go of that annoyqnce that it's unfair. No good will come of feeling aggrieved, because neither of you can change it. Better to be pleased that he's not part of that dynamic.

What is within his control is to say no to supporting it.

"No, we're not going to subsidise her holiday; she's more than capable of paying her own holiday costs".

"No, I won't pick her up; she's more than capable of getting a bus or taxi".

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