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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Struggling with in-law dynamic

49 replies

Mummy3andthedog · 20/06/2023 15:46

My sister in law is 35 and still lives at home with my in-laws. She is completely healthy. She is a nice and perfectly sociable person, but has no friends apart from a couple of local cousins who sometimes have drinks together.

She has a good job but works from home full time. Her parents shop for her, cook for her, clean for her (her mum even strips and remakes her bed ffs). She has zero credit history because she's never had to pay a bill in her life, and she pays no rent as she is "saving for a deposit" (although she has well over £100,000 in the bank). I wonder why she doesn't move out?!

I really struggle with the dynamic. My husband was always encouraged to stand on his own two feet and be independent. The complete extremes in the way they are treated is really strange to me.

This has always been odd, but recently has started to become a bigger and bigger issue. It's the elephant in the room. My husband feels like things are very unfair - he paid rent from 16 until he was told he had to move out at 20 because they wanted to downsize to a two-bed flat. We are taking a family holiday next year for my FIL's 70th birthday, and have all had to pay our "share" of her single-person supplement.

Whenever she is faced with an adult task, my husband is called in to help her. Recently her car needed an MOT, so my FIL asked my DH to drive to meet her at the garage so she wouldn't have to get the bus home. My parents in law went away for a few days last week and my DH had to go to their house to let in a pre-arranged plumber, because she was "worried" about dealing with them...

We are close to my parents in law, but the tension has become quite palpable and it's really started to be a problem when we're with them. And she is ALWAYS there so we can't talk to them alone.

She is not in anyway autistic and doesn't have any other kind of neurodivergence which would explain her behaviour. I think she's both enjoying the easy life and also so institutionalised that she genuinely doesn't know how to function as an adult.

I just... don't know how to bite my tongue anymore!! Any words of advice?!

OP posts:

Hollyppp · 20/06/2023 19:18

I would just feel deeply sorry for her - what sort of life is that? Sounds awful, no friends, no adult life. Just feel private pity and move on

saraclara · 20/06/2023 19:21

I'd advise against a sit down conversation too, unless they offer a very obvious opening in an otherwise casual conversation.

You and your DH just have to say a vey calm 'no' to all these requests. You don't have to kick off, you just say calmly and without anger "Sorry, but she is able to do this herself. I'm really busy with my own stuff and just don't have time to do things for her that she can do herself'.
If they continue to push, then you remind them of her age, and that you managed to be independent and capable by then. That you like her but enabling her to avoid being independent is not how you're prepared to spend precious free time. Again, say it without anger and hopefully you can avoid any fall out being major.

2chocolateoranges · 20/06/2023 19:24

To be honest, if your in-laws pander to her then it’s really got nothing to do with you. If it bothers you and your dh then your dh Ineeds to say no.

sonjadog · 20/06/2023 19:25

Honestly, I feel sorry for her. She is missing out on adult life. At some point in the future her parents won't be there any more and she will struggle to manage adult life on her own and it will too late for her to have own family.

But what you need to do is say no to these requests. That is the answer to your problem.

latetothefisting · 20/06/2023 19:30

It depends...on one hand from your latest update it sounds like both parties are happy with the situation, and your SIL is technically capable of most aspects of adult living, just chooses not to do so and your in laws enable it. As weird as it sounds to most others, if it's not hurting anyone, what's the issue? Other than the odd request for help (which I agree with PPs you would be completely reasonable to start refusing if you didn't want to do it) the situation doesn't seem to really affect you significantly so not sure why it's annoying you so much.

Some things like giving a lift to an MOT really aren't that unusual - it's normal for family members to help each other out occasionally for stuff like that. My siblings and I used to give each other lifts to that sort of thing. I suspect it's built up to something bigger for you because of all the other issues and because, in her case, it sounds like there's no reciprocity.

I can understand if your DH feels upset about being treated differently to a sibling, but that's a conversation for him to have with his parents.

re: paying the single supplement - It's not something I would ever do or expect others to do for me - however there was a discussion on here a while ago where a couple were going on holiday with a single friend, and the OP was asking how to divide the cost of their shared cottage, and it was pretty much unanimous that it would be completely unfair to divide it per room (so couple paid half and single friend paid half) and dividing total cost by 3 (so couple paid 2/3rds) was the only fair way to do it. So perhaps along that logic it's not so weird, although I can absolutely see how it could stick in your throat as an expectation from someone with huge savings and minimal outgoings.

Original poster

Mummy3andthedog · 20/06/2023 19:32

No, I'm 100% with you. I am so scared of my kids being like this that my middle child said I was "a bit of a slave driver, actually" because I made him sort the recycling 🙄

OP posts:

AlfietheSchnauzer · 20/06/2023 19:44

Mummy3andthedog · 20/06/2023 19:32

No, I'm 100% with you. I am so scared of my kids being like this that my middle child said I was "a bit of a slave driver, actually" because I made him sort the recycling 🙄

Yeah it's (in-law situation, not you!) not setting a great example to your kids at all tbh

Daleksatemyshed · 20/06/2023 19:48

Your SIL is being pretty clever Op,she's perfectly capable of looking after herself when necessary but she's managed to convince her DP's she needs to be looked after and has managed to drag you and her DB into it too. If she was ill in some way I think you'd feel differently but as an outsider you can see this unhealthy dynamic more clearly where her family just accept it as normal. She's already said she won't be her DP's carer so no doubt they'll be looking to you and your DH to fill in and you'll probably find out they leave her everything in their will as she needs it more.
Time for your DH to step back and refuse to get drawn into this anymore. She's capable of working and doesn't seem to have any real issues so why do the family see her as vulnerable?

babbscrabbs · 20/06/2023 19:56

It sounds awful. I feel sorry for her in a way, it's embarrassing to be that babied

Maddy70 · 20/06/2023 20:00

Sounds like she's happy and likes family security. Just because it's not "the norm" doesn't make it wrong maybe mind your own business it has nothing to do with you

mosiacmaker · 20/06/2023 20:04

Maddy70 · 20/06/2023 20:00

Sounds like she's happy and likes family security. Just because it's not "the norm" doesn't make it wrong maybe mind your own business it has nothing to do with you

How does it have nothing to do with OP? They are literally paying money to facilitate this weird arrangement.

Aquamarine1029 · 20/06/2023 20:06

My parents in law went away for a few days last week and my DH had to go to their house to let in a pre-arranged plumber, because she was "worried" about dealing with them...

Your husband "had" to do no such thing, he chose to. FFS, stop pandering to their utter madness and tell your husband to grow a backbone. Your in-laws can baby her, you and your husband should absolutely refuse to.

Horizabel · 20/06/2023 20:10

mosiacmaker · 20/06/2023 20:04

How does it have nothing to do with OP? They are literally paying money to facilitate this weird arrangement.

Show quote history

Then the OP should say no to contributing financially. But I don't think it's her place to intervene generally in her ILs' family dynamics.

Horizabel · 20/06/2023 20:11

Aquamarine1029 · 20/06/2023 20:06

My parents in law went away for a few days last week and my DH had to go to their house to let in a pre-arranged plumber, because she was "worried" about dealing with them...

And yes, three people are actively enabling this dynamic. No one 'has' to do anything. Enabling this strategic dependence comes from the parents and the OP's DH.

Shinyandnew1 · 20/06/2023 20:18

Refuse to pay for her holiday.
Don’t go on holiday with them if they do things like this.
Tell your husband he’s bloody mad for going round there to speak to a plumber with her.

You’re enabling this.

If you don’t want to, then stop doing it.

Pollyputthekettleonha · 20/06/2023 20:23

I would also avoid a sit down discussion with them, it's not really your place to tell them all how to live, as bad as it is, this will probably result in a row. I also feel a bit sorry for her, she will not have much in her life when they die, I think your DH needs to try and view it like this rather than as unfair.
I think parents who do this have failed their child, unless the adult child is actually incapable of looking after themselves due to disability / serious mental health issues etc, they should be ensuring their children are able to live independently without them. My MIL was doing this to my DH until I met him, so there is hope for her.
Your DH needs to say no to any daft requests like letting the plumber in etc. Or if he wants to avoid conflict be vague and always busy , not sure what he's doing that day etc. I don't think you can change this, as pp have said just don't be involved.

gotmychristmasmiracle · 20/06/2023 20:26

I would stay out of it, not your circus not your monkeys. If DH wants to help out that's his decision and he needs to create some boundaries if he's not happy with it rather than moaning to you.

Puppers · 20/06/2023 20:27

You say she has got mental health difficulties (despite having originally said she's completely healthy) but that these are "not cripplingly bad". Well it seems to me that they are the very definition of "crippling", having rendered her completely helpless and dependent on her parents at the age of 35. You're judging her purely on the fact that she appears to be "sociable", when actually almost everything else about her lifestyle is dysfunctional and unhealthy. I'm not sure how she could be more affected by her mental illness to be honest. You must have a narrow view of what depression and anxiety look like.

Is this a lifestyle that you would want? Because it sounds bloody awful to me and certainly not one I would choose to avoid paying a bit of rent or hoovering the lounge. It's very unlikely that she's just choosing this for convenience.

SmirnoffIceIsNice · 20/06/2023 20:30

saraclara · 20/06/2023 19:21

I'd advise against a sit down conversation too, unless they offer a very obvious opening in an otherwise casual conversation.

I agree with this. I'd follow with a question to the parents about if she's unable to do things for herself at 35, then how on earth is she going to cope once the parents aren't around any longer? If any of them dared to suggest she move in with you at that point then I'd start laughing hysterically.

Daisybuttercup12345 · 20/06/2023 20:31

If I were you I'd let husband deal with them and keep quiet. It won't end well anyway.

Grimbelina · 20/06/2023 20:41

I don't think you can really be certain whether there are no MH issues or neurodivergence. I would actually think there was the latter at the every least from a number of things you have said.

However, that doesn't mean that your PIL have made good choices in how they respond to her and any possible challenges... and it certainly doesn't mean that you have to contribute to her holidays etc.

You can only enforce your boundaries, there really isn't anything else you can do. I would also be supporting your DH to disengage rather than encouraging him to get more and more riled by a situation which you might not fully understand.

justasmalltownmum · 20/06/2023 21:03

Is she Asian? Is this a cultural thing?

Original poster

Mummy3andthedog · 20/06/2023 21:09

No, white British. They claim they want her out, but understand it’s “tough” for lone buyers. Well yes, but she has a very sizeable deposit!

OP posts:

UpaladderwatchingTV · 20/06/2023 21:37

What seems strange to me about all this OP, is that no one actually seems to talk to each other. Why don't you ask your SIL why she doesn't move out and live independently? Why don't you suggest offering to help SIL with finding a property of her own? Why don't you ask your MIL or FIL why, they do everything for her now that she's a grown woman. No wonder there's an 'elephant in the room', if no one actually holds normal conversations. I would just say to her, 'I was thinking about you the other day SIL, and just wondered how come you haven't actually bought yourself a place yet, only I understand that you've got a really healthy deposit, is there anything we can do to help you with it, only I know that as a first time buyer it must seem pretty daunting?' She might say 'oh, would you really, I'd love that', then you just encourage her, but DON'T do it for her, ie, have you made an appointment to speak to a mortgage adviser yet SIL? If she says no, ask her why. It just sounds like you're judging her without actually talking to her, although it could just be that you know exactly why things are the way they are, and just wanted to have a whinge about how it's not fair.

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